A Survivor's Diary of the Apocalypse (TWD/Daryl Dixon)

S9Pt9 - The Five Stages of Grief

I've learned that you go through five different stages of grief after you lose someone you love. I thought that after all this time, after everything I've seen, it would become something I could live with.
Not anymore...
Not after this one..
Not this time.
Then I thought, maybe there is a limit to grief, and that there is only so much grieving I can do before I reach a point of equilibrium. Yet again, I was wrong...
The reality is, I will grieve forever. I will grieve what we had and all we shared. I'll grieve all the important things they have missed and will miss. I'll grieve the future we were building that we were supposed to have together. The list goes on... and grief is a complicated thing. But I also learned that—
The only cure for grief is to grieve.

~~~~~ Denial ~~~~~

It's been a day since the accident, and every single moment has been passing by slowly, and it felt like I was standing frozen as the world continued to move around me. Everywhere I looked, I felt as if Rick was still around, and I felt as if the accident was just another bad nightmare. This nightmare felt longer than usual, but here I was, indulging myself in some sort of preferable reality.
The next few days, Daryl and I have been outside in the forest, searching the woods surrounding the bridge, looking for any sign of life from Rick. Daryl insisted we search for him, and I couldn't let him go alone. So here we are, refusing to believe that the inevitable has happened.
Those days turned into weeks, which then eventually became months. We've never stopped searching, always kept moving, but we haven't found anything. At this point, we've backtracked over our trails several times, becoming tangled in a web of dead end leads.
I took a minute to stand still and think. Something in my head clicked and I began to barely—just barely— think about the real reality of the situation.
"Daryl." I said while looking up at the sky.
"What?" Daryl said and he watched me.
"We've been here before." I sighed.
I heard leaves crunching as Daryl turned around and looked at our surroundings. He then huffed and I saw him point in a direction.
"We haven't went that way." Daryl said and held his crossbow. "Let's go."
I just shook my head and didn't move. "Daryl." I said again.
"What, Kell?" Daryl asked and turned around. "Come on."
"Daryl, what if.. if, I— I mean, don't you think we would've found him al—" I began to say but Daryl cut me off
"No." Daryl said, and then he walked a few steps forward and shook his head. "He's out here— somewhere, he's— he can't be... I can't."
I just covered my face with my hand and took a deep breath, and I felt my chest getting heavy and my mind becoming foggy.
"Why don't we take a break, regroup— just, take a minute to— to process what's happened." I suggested and sighed to myself
"No." Daryl said again. "What, no. No. Nothing happened. Rick's out here, and I'm going to find him. He's out here— and, and I'm gonna find him..."
"Daryl." I said, but he already began walking away. "Daryl."
But he didn't stop, Daryl just kept on walking.
This time, I didn't follow. I needed to think for myself, I needed to stop denying Rick's death, and finally
begin to accept the truth.

~~~~~ Anger ~~~~~

It's been six months since Rick's death. Daryl still is thinking Rick is out there somewhere, alive, but just disappeared. I didn't keep denying what's happened though. I knew what had happened; Rick was dead, Daryl started leaving for days on end out searching for a ghost, and I was angry.
I was angry at the world for taking Rick away from us. Since then, Michonne has been struggling on her own putting Alexandria back together, especially when she found out she was now pregnant. Maggie has been distant, and taking care of the Hilltop while raising Hershel. Carol left to the Kingdom with Ezekiel. Oceanside returned to keeping to themselves, and only interacted to trade, and we haven't heard anything from the Saviors. Judith has been taking Rick's death pretty easy, because she doesn't yet understand the concept of death. She would cry most of the time, after I told her that Rick was gone. Sometimes she still gets nightmares that wake her up in the middle of the night, but then I'd lay with her and she'd go back to sleep. Since then, she's been adjusting, visiting Carl's grave and seeing a small cross next to it for Rick, who's body has still yet to be found.
Yet, I was more angry at Daryl. I understand Rick's death impacted us all, but Daryl was acting delusional. He barely stayed at the house, barely interacted with the kids anymore, and spent every waking second out in the woods with his stupid map. I was sick of it, watching him leave through the window, never saying goodbye or being awake when he got home. He didn't talk to me anymore, didn't touch me, didn't want anything to do with us... and that's— that's what I knew.
It felt like any other sad day today. I woke up, fed the kids, and they went about their business playing in the front yard. I walked back inside and opened the sliding doors to the office when I saw Daryl standing at the desk. I just stared at him and he stared back, until he went back to looking at his map. I then closed the door behind me and crossed my arms, watching Daryl.
"What are you doing now?" I asked.
"Nothing, just—" Daryl grunted annoyed. "Tryin' to figure out where to look next."
"How long are you staying?" I asked him.
"A minute. Not long." Daryl said and circled some spots on the map and crossed out others.
I then walked forwards and pulled the map out from under him. He slammed his hands on the table and glared up at me.
"Give it back!" He said loudly.
"So this is what I have to do to get you to look at me when you're talking?" I said and held up the map.
"Kelley, give it." Daryl grunted at me.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I asked as I tossed the map back on the desk.
He quickly snatched it up and shoved it back in his bag, and then he glared at me rudely.
"You care more about a fucking map than me?" I said and threw up my arms. "My god, you're really fucking delusional."
"Oh, screw you Kelley." He said, and pointed at me. "You know, you're the one who's delusional."
"Me?" I asked and scoffed. "How? Says the one who's chasing a fucking ghost out there!"
"You think everything is just fine and can go back to normal, but it can't. It never will!" Daryl yelled at me.
"You think I don't know that?" I said. "I do, I do."
"No you don't." Daryl said and shook his head at me. "Because you don't understand."
"What don't I understand? What you're doing, how you're treating us?" I asked. "I know you're treating us like shit— treating me, like shit!" I yelled and stomped my feet out of frustration.
"Goddamn, you're acting like your father." Daryl muttered.
"You do not compare me to my father!" I instantly yelled, and pointed at him. "More than anything, you're acting like your own father, abusing his own wife and kids."
"I am not!" Daryl yelled back.
"Yes you fucking are! You fucking psycho!" I screamed.
Daryl then grabbed a statue off the desk and threw it across the room. "Fuck you!" He yelled as he grabbed a book and threw that too, and it soared passed my head.
"Oh, you want to throw shit!" I yelled, and grabbed a paperweight off the desk and threw it at the wall, then grabbed a chair. "I can do that too!" I said and tossed the chair over the desk, making Daryl jump out of the way.
He then ran around the desk and ran up to my face, and he towered over me. He glared down at me viciously but I held my ground.
"Do it." I muttered and inched my head up at him. "Fucking hit me. I know you want to.. Show me who you really are."
"You fucking always ask for this." Daryl yelled in my face. "You always put yourself in these situations, and then you want to fucking complain about it."
"I didn't ask for this!" I yelled back. "I never asked for anything!"
"You're regressing. Going back to how you used to be. It's pathetic!" Daryl yelled and stepped forwards, pushing me backwards.
I then shoved his backwards and screamed at him. "You're a fucking hypocrite. You're gaslighting me, don't you see that!"
Daryl just stared at me, and I shoved him again. I pushed him again, and again, until he backed into the table and finally shoved me away from him.
I stumbled backwards and just stared at him, and I didn't even realize who I was looking at anymore. I just scoffed and shook my head, and ran my hand through my hair.
"You know, people used to tell me that you were too selfish to care about anyone other than yourself, and I defended you. I did everything I could to tell myself that they were wrong, and that you cared, but look at where you're at now." I said and shook my head. "They were right. You're a fucking villain."
"Oh, you want to play victim. Make me seem to be the bad guy. Fine! But you and I both know that you blew this up. You started this." Daryl said and pointed at me. "You want me, until you don't. You continue to use me, and play me, for your benefit."
"I do not." I said and crossed my arms. "You're never here anymore. You're the one who only comes back if there's something in it for you."
"You always made sure that if something goes wrong, you blame me. It's my fault that this happened. It's my fault that that happened." Daryl said and started pacing the room. "You know what Kelley, my life with you has only been painful. There's nothing good that's came out of it!"
"So what?! You're just gonna run away, and not fix anything that's broken here?" I yelled.
"You shouldn't be upset I'm not fixing anything, you should be upset that I don't want to fix anything with you!" He yelled at me.
"Do you hate me?" I yelled, feeling myself wanting to start crying now.
"No!" Daryl said, but then pointed at me. "But you do. You hate me."
"I never stopped loving you, ever, Daryl. You're the one who hates me. You are pulling away from me." I yelled back.
"You stopped supporting me. You started to pull away from me." Daryl said. "You used to search with me, but then you just stopped!"
"Because I have to think about the kids! I have to think about the reality of what happened. I can't just run away from everything to chase your crazy ass every time things get too hard for you." I said and pointed at him.
"You are the crazy one around here, after all the shit you've put me through. I loved you, I was there for you, but I am still me. I can't be suffocated by you anymore. I didn't want to lose myself, but I kinda did, because of you." Daryl yelled.
I stood their silently and listened to everything he was saying, his words individually piercing my heart. I felt the tears streaming down my cheeks.
"You want so much! All the time!" Daryl yelled and waved his hands. "Fuck it! There's so much I didn't do because of you."
I just wiped my tears and scoffed. "Thanks for that." I said sarcastically.
"You're welcome." Daryl spat at me and paced the room.
"I can't believe that you never loved me!" I cried and threw up my arms angrily.
"You're fucking insane!" Daryl yelled and punched the wall, making a hole in the drywall.
"Are you kidding me?" I asked and more tears streamed down my face. "I just wanted to be with you. I already lost so much, but now I know you didn't love me as much as I loved you."
"What do you know about loss?" Daryl said and glared at me. "What?!"
I just opened my mouth in astonishment and scoffed. I just shook my head and felt my anger rising, and my lid was about to pop off.
"You're so caught up in your own selfishness, you don't even think it's selfishness anymore. You're such a dick!" I cried.
Daryl then turned around and stomped over to me, pointing out his finger and chasing me down. I backed up defensively and ran into the desk, and Daryl towered over me aggressively.
"Everyday I wake up and I wish I never met you! Like, if I could guarantee that Rick was still here, and everything would be okay, I wish that you got bit and never made it out of Atlanta alive!"
We both stopped talking and just stared at each other, too upset to say anything. Daryl was shaking fiercely, and then I saw tears swelling up in his eyes. He started sobbing and quickly grabbed his bag and stormed out of the office. I stood there in shock and started crying. I looked around the room that was now trashed, and began picking up the chair and papers that were scattered across the floor.
"Mommy?" I heard Lee's quiet voice say.
I looked up and saw Lee was standing in the doorway, and he was looking at me with a worried face.
"Hey, baby, mommy's okay. Me and daddy just had a little fight. It's okay." I said and wiped my tears. "Just— go back outside, I'll be there in a minute."
"Okay." He said quietly and hovered at the door.
"Shut the door please." I said, and he slowly did. "Thank you..."
The door then clicked closed and that's when my crying took over again. I dropped all the papers I picked up and fell to the ground on my knees. I sobbed loudly and then covered my mouth to try and keep Lee from hearing anymore. I just closed my eyes and shook my head as I replayed the last thing Daryl said to me, and I just couldn't stop crying.