Sing Through Your Memory (NaruSasuNaru)

When You're Ready

Trigger Warning: Suicide. Skip the dream sequence (italics) if you don't want to read that. 

There are five stages of grief. The first stage is denial. When Naruto first heard the news he didn't believe it. At first he was in denial, believing that everyone must be lying when they said Sasuke died. He asked them why'd they lie about such a thing. If Sasuke didn't want to see him again, he could handle that. He ignored the empty feeling he had in his chest that people said happened when one's soulmate died.

It wasn't until the funeral that it hit him that the man was actually gone. That led to the second stage: anger. Naruto he became angry and had no one to take it out on. He wanted the man that killed Sasuke to feel the same way he'd felt, but that man was in critical condition and they weren't even sure he was going to make it. He drank a lot to try to numb the pain, but it only made him angrier.

Once he was drained of any emotion he entered the third stage: bargaining. He started asking why. He'd cry to his best friend wanting an answer that no one could give. It was an accident, but that wasn't a good enough reason for him to accept. He would do anything to change what had happened, but he couldn't and Sasuke was truly gone.

So he cried until he fell further into the fourth step: depression. That was where he was and he didn't think that he'd ever make it to the final step of acceptance. He couldn't accept that the man he loved was gone. He blamed himself for letting him leave that night. He should have made him stay and work things out. He should have been a better man for Sasuke.

He stumbled to the bathroom, a half empty bottle of vodka in his hand. Naruto looked in the mirror and hardly recognized himself. His eyes were bloodshot, a mixture of the alcohol he'd drank and tears he'd shed. He looked nothing like the man he was when he'd first met Sasuke. When they had first met he had been tan and buff, probably overly confident for a man who came from nothing. Now as he looked at himself he saw a pale, skinny man with tracks on his arm from the drugs he'd promised he'd quit. He felt ashamed with himself that he couldn't even keep the last promise he'd made to Sasuke that night. He couldn't be better.

He felt the necklace around his neck, a cross with Sasuke's name on it. "You left me," he whispered, wondering if Sasuke's spirit was somewhere and could hear him. "I feel so helpless and lost without you," he said, though no one was there to hear him. "In the next life we'll be together forever."

Naruto opened the medicine cabinet, immediately finding what he was looking for. He read the label and it hurt to see the other man's name on it. Sasuke always had trouble sleeping and had been prescribed sleeping pills for the nights when it became impossible to fall sleep. "I'm coming to you, baby," he closed his eyes as he thought about joining Sasuke in the next life. He opened the bottle, pouring a handful into his hand. "I'm coming," he repeated before popping them into his mouth, using vodka to swallow them down for good measure.

The blond stumbled to the bed he once shared with the dark haired man. He thought about the way that Sasuke would fit in his arms so perfectly, despite being a slight bit taller than him. It was only by a couple centimeters, but Sasuke never let him forget it. That never stopped Naruto from being the big spoon. He curled up on the bed, pulling a pillow into his arms, trying to imagine it was Sasuke there instead. He cried as he drifted off to sleep.

Naruto woke up with a jolt. He was breathing heavy as he remembered his dream. "Fuck," he cursed. It had been a long time since he'd had that specific dream. He tried to calm himself down and remind himself of all of the ways he was different from that version of himself. He wasn't a drug addict, in fact he'd vowed to never touch drugs and even limited his alcohol intake. His eyes were a more vibrant blue than the pale blue of that Naruto. His skin was tan from the outdoor activities he enjoyed. While he wasn't overly bulky, he worked out regularly and was in good shape. His muscles weren't bulging, but they were defined, unlike the almost sickly looking skinny man in his dreams. Sasuke never let him close enough to tell exactly who was taller, but from what he could tell they were about the same height, which was what he told himself was the only thing he had in common with that Naruto. Otherwise, they were nothing alike.