Never Tell Secrets (18+)

Ch 24 - Empty

ATTENTION RADISH READERS! Please don't leave any spoilers in here or you'll be getting a spanking from Alfie. Or Elliot. Or Keira. Whoever you'd prefer. 😘

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We dipped into a bedroom. The occupants left without a word and for once I didn't feel bad that Alfie's presence had people scarpering in fear. I stood in the middle of the room, unsure what to do with myself, unsure who I was that I'd just taken part in something like that. I tried to find comfort in being alone for a moment, away from the madness, but the row of what I presumed were sex swings along one wall reminded me where I was. I turned away from them. I felt like I had stepped very far away from myself in the last hour.

I felt Alfie's presence behind me, close but not touching.

"Would you like me to take you home?"

"No...I just...I need a minute." I took deep breaths. My dress felt too tight. I pulled on the bodice but it didn't help. "You really used to live like this, everyday?"

"Yes but I was a different man then."

"So, this place doesn't do it for you anymore?" I asked, trying to understand why this place made him tick. He sighed, thinking.

"It's not exactly like I'm living it the way I used to. Tonight, I'm an observer not a participant, that's something I've never been within these walls. The freedom this place represents is what I missed."

"Do you enjoy it?"

"It's the same as everything else, Lo. Without you, it's empty." His gaze met mine, the pain behind them easy to see. My stomach clenched. "I've travelled to the most incredible places in the last two years and each one of them meant nothing without seeing excitement light up your face. Food is boring without watching you enjoy it too. I don't care if it rains or shines, I don't care if I get stuck in traffic or my employees fuck up. I don't care about anything in my whole fucking world unless you're in it. But you already knew that, so what are you really asking me?" He stuffed his hands in his pockets, studying me. I took a breath, trying to straighten my jumbled thoughts.

"I want to know what your life is going to be like after our three months are up. Will you come back to this, be what you were before?"

"I can't go back, Lo. Whether you stay or go, you've changed me irrevocably."

"So, the club..." I trailed off and Alfie shrugged, seeming uninterested in the topic.

"I could blow off steam here, the same way my Tellers do, but the lifestyle is gone. I brought you here because I don't want things to be hidden anymore. I'm trying to let you in. I wanted to face my ghosts and show you what used to be a huge part of my life. I'm not trying to convert you to it."

"What if I never want to come back?"

"Then we never come back," he answered easily. I studied him, trying to see if he was just feigning nonchalance but no, he really didn't seem to care whether we came back or not.

"What if I want to go into the black rooms?"

"Then you need to sign more paperwork." He gave me a small smile that I returned. "What else is bothering you?"

"I don't know why I did that...with that woman." I paced the room a little, uneasy with my feelings.

"Does it matter why? You don't have to feel guilty for enjoying something society would shame you for."

"That's not what this is." I folded my arms, turning to face him. "I've done plenty of things with you that society would shame me for and I never felt guilty about it." The memories of him tying me to the headboard and taking me like a man possessed teased me, but the memories of what I'd just done with that woman made my skin crawl. Which made Alfie's current expression all the more annoying. "Why are you smiling?"