For the first time ever Bjorn stayed at the cabin until it was totally light, he was not aware of time passing, he had found more of Anna's diaries and as he'd worked his way gradually through them they had changed his world again and again and again. He just didn't know what to even do first, he had been wilfully blind with Anna in so many ways, blinded by love always but also jealousy, pride and stubbornness. All of these had blinded him to what was most important, Anna and him. They should have been his concern, nothing else and his blindness had led to him losing sight of her when they needed each other most.
He read of her suicidal thoughts with horror but she'd been right though Lena hadn't loved the kids and he was grateful for so many reasons that Anna had been strong enough to pull herself out of the depths that she had sunk too. He'd had no idea, she never showed it to him but then maybe she had perhaps he hadn't wanted to see his own guilt reflected in her eyes. It was all so long ago and yet it seemed like yesterday, he wanted so badly to go back and make it right with her that he ached, her written words were unforgiving but at the same time without blame for anyone but herself and Bjorn was forced not unwillingly to accept his own culpability for her suffering, not to mention his but he deserved his guilt of that he was sure. He read on and on, his opinions of Tomas were confirmed beyond his wildest imaginings and it was to be hoped for his sake that Bjorn never set eyes on him again, he marvelled at her bravery with Gert, struggled with his anger at his manipulation of her vulnerabilities and faced the fact that it been so much worse for her than he'd ever imagined. Her writings of himself were deeply personal and he felt oddly uncomfortable reading them, they were heart wrenching as she struggled to reconcile herself with the new life they'd both had. He sighed in defeat as she wrote of her pride in him, her joy in the music that he'd created after their split, her belief that she had held him back and he'd flourished without her, he read of her delight and comfort in his music and despair that his music was better without her. She was so wrong, could she not hear his agony in everything he'd written? It had got so bad without her that he stopped after Chess for a while, it seemed that without each other the music had fallen silent for both of them. He would never share these memories with anyone other than her, all this time and still she loved him then and worried for him, she had been right to do so, she'd been right every time when she said she thought he was sad or struggling, no one else had known, no one else saw him as she did clearly. She had struggled to come around to the reasoning that perhaps she'd got some things muddled but she was still wrong when she wrote of his hating her, of his ice towards her. Damn that bloody ice he thought, he was sick and tired of reading about it, both of them were guilty and when he bloody found her he would make sure she never froze again. He threw the diaries to one side and got up to pace, something was wrong with him, he must be getting old and senile. Christian had told him Anna had gone home where she was happiest, today he'd gone to her first flat in Stockholm where he'd first known her to be before they were even together and it was offices now, he'd been to the flat by the canal and it was an art studio, he'd visited Vallentuna and given the current owner the thrill of her life, he'd even been to Lidingo although he knew beyond doubt she wouldn't be there, too many bad memories for both of them.
He was out of time and really had to go, he was due to see Linda and Christian today , the girls later. As was normal for them he wouldn't see Lena today, this day was for his kids and he couldn't be late. Though it was still early he was leaving Viggso later than he ever had and he was risking real exposure so he hurried to put everything away and leave, he had never felt less festive in his life and as he strode through the woods he knew this was going to be the performance of his life of that he had no doubt.
Christmas Eve dawned much as usual for Anna, the snow lay thick and deep silencing the noise, she lay in bed for a while thinking of her family, her life and doing her normal trying not to think of Bjorn. It never worked9 though and she smiled as she got out of bed, it really was about time she accepted it and embraced it. Now she was here she could so she bounced out of bed and let the dogs out before putting Christmas music on. She was sure that this was the Christmas that would change everything for her.
She spent her morning cooking for herself, icing the cake she made yesterday, she made her dream meal for later, set herself up with snacks also for later in front of the tv and she was if not happy, content.
After lunch she took herself for a walk up to the cabin and her smile was wide and relaxed as she wandered up the steps calling the dogs who had wandered off into the woods barking excitedly, she wandered in and immediately laughed at herself, she could smell Bjorn's aftershave, she'd know it anywhere. He'd worn the same one since she knew him and still it would comfort her when she caught it in the breeze if he was near. Oh this was so nearly everything she'd ever wanted, she couldn't have him but she had been right this was the next best thing. If she could reach through the 40 years that separated them she could touch the young Bjorn who had loved her here and she knew it, she didn't care what others would say and she didn't care if she WAS crazy, these thoughts bought her comfort and that was all she'd ever wanted.
It wasn't until she settled on the sofa to fill her diary with her thoughts from recently that she noticed that the cabin was a lot warmer than it usually was, it was lovely and she frowned slightly, she hadn't been up here since yesterday . She put her diary down and shoved her glasses on top of her head getting up to touch the stove and wasn't surprised to find it verging on hot. She put some more wood on without really thinking to keep it going, she then looked around the cabin but could see nothing else moved or changed. All was as it should be and she didn't feel that anyone had been here that shouldn't have been. Her years of being stalked had given her a sixth sense about these things and the cabin felt wonderfully normal to her, safe and welcoming as it had always been but the stove being hot did concern her, had someone found the key? Was it possible? She dismissed the notion, no one else has found it for 40 years and as Bjorn had sold it without regret he would never come back here, she was his past and he was always racing for the future, he never once looked back even when she'd first known him his eyes were on the horizon, always on to the next thing and she loved his dynamic outlook then and now.
Her stomach fell as she imagined that her idyll had been breached so quickly but her resolve hardened immediately, no one would take it from her, they would not. This time she had no intention of running, she'd waited a lifetime to come back here and here she would stay. Much had changed for Anna over the intervening years and she was able to calm herself fairly quickly and look at things logically, she didn't feel threatened and it was always possible that the stove had just ticked over, no one could get to the cabin unless they knew it intimately and just like that she dismissed her worries, everything was in its place. She got up to check her diaries, as long as they were still hidden she was happy and they were, sat in their boxes in the cubby hole just where she had left them though she was aware that the mechanism was working better than when she'd used it last but she put it down to her putting them away properly this time. She sorted the boxes while she had them out and put them finally in date order, not just in a muddle and put them back oldest at the back and so on, something she'd meant to do for a long time and it satisfied her to do it. Calm and settled now she wrote her diaries for the last few days and watched the view out of the window for a while, she closed her eyes calmly and she must have slept for she could hear Benny and Bjorn playing in her dreams, she didn't want to open her eyes and see that they weren't there in real life so she listened to their melodies reaching through the years. She smiled widely not sure if she was dreaming or she was awake and her mind was helping her, she didn't know and she didn't care. It didn't feel at all like Viggso had been breached and so she accepted that there must be an explanation and let it be.
