For the first time ever Bjorn stayed at the cabin until it was totally light, he was not aware of time passing, he had found more of Anna's diaries and as he'd worked his way gradually through them they had changed his world again and again and again. He just didn't know what to even do first, he had been wilfully blind with Anna in so many ways, blinded by love always but also jealousy, pride and stubbornness. All of these had blinded him to what was most important, Anna and him. They should have been his concern, nothing else and his blindness had led to him losing sight of her when they needed each other most.
He read of her suicidal thoughts with horror but she'd been right though Lena hadn't loved the kids and he was grateful for so many reasons that Anna had been strong enough to pull herself out of the depths that she had sunk too. He'd had no idea, she never showed it to him but then maybe she had perhaps he hadn't wanted to see his own guilt reflected in her eyes. It was all so long ago and yet it seemed like yesterday, he wanted so badly to go back and make it right with her that he ached, her written words were unforgiving but at the same time without blame for anyone but herself and Bjorn was forced not unwillingly to accept his own culpability for her suffering, not to mention his but he deserved his guilt of that he was sure. He read on and on, his opinions of Tomas were confirmed beyond his wildest imaginings and it was to be hoped for his sake that Bjorn never set eyes on him again, he marvelled at her bravery with Gert, struggled with his anger at his manipulation of her vulnerabilities and faced the fact that it been so much worse for her than he'd ever imagined. Her writings of himself were deeply personal and he felt oddly uncomfortable reading them, they were heart wrenching as she struggled to reconcile herself with the new life they'd both had. He sighed in defeat as she wrote of her pride in him, her joy in the music that he'd created after their split, her belief that she had held him back and he'd flourished without her, he read of her delight and comfort in his music and despair that his music was better without her. She was so wrong, could she not hear his agony in everything he'd written? It had got so bad without her that he stopped after Chess for a while, it seemed that without each other the music had fallen silent for both of them. He would never share these memories with anyone other than her, all this time and still she loved him then and worried for him, she had been right to do so, she'd been right every time when she said she thought he was sad or struggling, no one else had known, no one else saw him as she did clearly. She had struggled to come around to the reasoning that perhaps she'd got some things muddled but she was still wrong when she wrote of his hating her, of his ice towards her. Damn that bloody ice he thought, he was sick and tired of reading about it, both of them were guilty and when he bloody found her he would make sure she never froze again. He threw the diaries to one side and got up to pace, something was wrong with him, he must be getting old and senile. Christian had told him Anna had gone home where she was happiest, today he'd gone to her first flat in Stockholm where he'd first known her to be before they were even together and it was offices now, he'd been to the flat by the canal and it was an art studio, he'd visited Vallentuna and given the current owner the thrill of her life, he'd even been to Lidingo although he knew beyond doubt she wouldn't be there, too many bad memories for both of them.
He was out of time and really had to go, he was due to see Linda and Christian today , the girls later. As was normal for them he wouldn't see Lena today, this day was for his kids and he couldn't be late. Though it was still early he was leaving Viggso later than he ever had and he was risking real exposure so he hurried to put everything away and leave, he had never felt less festive in his life and as he strode through the woods he knew this was going to be the performance of his life of that he had no doubt.
Christmas Eve dawned much as usual for Anna, the snow lay thick and deep silencing the noise, she lay in bed for a while thinking of her family, her life and doing her normal trying not to think of Bjorn. It never worked9 though and she smiled as she got out of bed, it really was about time she accepted it and embraced it. Now she was here she could so she bounced out of bed and let the dogs out before putting Christmas music on. She was sure that this was the Christmas that would change everything for her.
She spent her morning cooking for herself, icing the cake she made yesterday, she made her dream meal for later, set herself up with snacks also for later in front of the tv and she was if not happy, content.
After lunch she took herself for a walk up to the cabin and her smile was wide and relaxed as she wandered up the steps calling the dogs who had wandered off into the woods barking excitedly, she wandered in and immediately laughed at herself, she could smell Bjorn's aftershave, she'd know it anywhere. He'd worn the same one since she knew him and still it would comfort her when she caught it in the breeze if he was near. Oh this was so nearly everything she'd ever wanted, she couldn't have him but she had been right this was the next best thing. If she could reach through the 40 years that separated them she could touch the young Bjorn who had loved her here and she knew it, she didn't care what others would say and she didn't care if she WAS crazy, these thoughts bought her comfort and that was all she'd ever wanted.
It wasn't until she settled on the sofa to fill her diary with her thoughts from recently that she noticed that the cabin was a lot warmer than it usually was, it was lovely and she frowned slightly, she hadn't been up here since yesterday . She put her diary down and shoved her glasses on top of her head getting up to touch the stove and wasn't surprised to find it verging on hot. She put some more wood on without really thinking to keep it going, she then looked around the cabin but could see nothing else moved or changed. All was as it should be and she didn't feel that anyone had been here that shouldn't have been. Her years of being stalked had given her a sixth sense about these things and the cabin felt wonderfully normal to her, safe and welcoming as it had always been but the stove being hot did concern her, had someone found the key? Was it possible? She dismissed the notion, no one else has found it for 40 years and as Bjorn had sold it without regret he would never come back here, she was his past and he was always racing for the future, he never once looked back even when she'd first known him his eyes were on the horizon, always on to the next thing and she loved his dynamic outlook then and now.
Her stomach fell as she imagined that her idyll had been breached so quickly but her resolve hardened immediately, no one would take it from her, they would not. This time she had no intention of running, she'd waited a lifetime to come back here and here she would stay. Much had changed for Anna over the intervening years and she was able to calm herself fairly quickly and look at things logically, she didn't feel threatened and it was always possible that the stove had just ticked over, no one could get to the cabin unless they knew it intimately and just like that she dismissed her worries, everything was in its place. She got up to check her diaries, as long as they were still hidden she was happy and they were, sat in their boxes in the cubby hole just where she had left them though she was aware that the mechanism was working better than when she'd used it last but she put it down to her putting them away properly this time. She sorted the boxes while she had them out and put them finally in date order, not just in a muddle and put them back oldest at the back and so on, something she'd meant to do for a long time and it satisfied her to do it. Calm and settled now she wrote her diaries for the last few days and watched the view out of the window for a while, she closed her eyes calmly and she must have slept for she could hear Benny and Bjorn playing in her dreams, she didn't want to open her eyes and see that they weren't there in real life so she listened to their melodies reaching through the years. She smiled widely not sure if she was dreaming or she was awake and her mind was helping her, she didn't know and she didn't care. It didn't feel at all like Viggso had been breached and so she accepted that there must be an explanation and let it be.
It was late on Christmas Eve by the time Anna had finished her beautiful dinner, watched the tv she'd picked and spoken to everyone on the phone as she usually did. She was content and more than a little rosy with the wine she had drunk and she indulged in her greatest treat, once a year just once a year she watched the home movies that she had of Bjorn and the kids. She didn't have many, Bjorn must have had some she hoped that he hadn't thrown them away but she saw no reason that he would keep them, he wasn't a sentimental soul maybe the kids had them now. This was the first time she could watch them on a big screen with no fear of judgement or discovery and she relished it, she hoped she'd have this for as many years as she lived. She fell asleep to the sound of Bjorn teasing the younger her with a full heart.
Bjorn on the other hand was a tortured man, he'd had the best of days and the worst of days. He had loved being with his family, he had seen his girls and the children in the morning, he'd been mortified to find out that Lena had told the girls that they were divorcing when they'd agreed to wait until after Christmas, at least he thought they had but when he'd tackled Lena about it discreetly on the phone in the kitchen she'd been nonchalant and said she didn't see the point of waiting, they were old enough to cope. Bjorn had been deeply disturbed that another family of his would have Christmas memories to regret and yet again it was his fault. He apologised to Anna and Emma endlessly but he was surprised to find that neither of them were remotely shocked and in fact were relieved that it was all over. They had both found it difficult to handle the situation for years but they had known no different until they'd met their own partners and realised how abnormal their parents marriage really was. Their conversation crushed Bjorn, he'd thought he was doing the right thing by staying but it seemed that he and Lena had caused damage "I wasn't always like this" he'd whispered in his defence "I'd lay down my life for you two" "Papa, you already have, for 20 years, more even. That's what you've done, you've laid down your life for us and you've forgotten what it's supposed to be like" was Emma's opinion but for the first time Bjorn was brave enough to set them both straight "I haven't forgotten, that was always the problem. I never forgot what it was supposed to be" he sighed "I was so happy when you both fell head over heels in love with great guys. I wanted it for both of you. Everyone deserves it, your mother has found someone that makes her happy and now it is me..." he stopped unable to finish his sentence "Papa" Anna said gently "I see how you are with us, with the kids. You love deeply and for life, tell us what you need" "I can't!!" Bjorn murmured "You are my life you kids, I won't hurt you" Emma sighed "Papa, this has got to stop. We weren't brave enough to talk to you when we should have done, it wasn't our business. You did right by us 20 years ago, you gave us stability and a home but we would have coped just like Christian and Linda did if you and Mama had done what you should have" "Now it's our business Papa" Anna interrupted "because you've gone wrong somewhere and I for one can't stand to see you so unhappy" "I'm not unhappy" Bjorn denied "Maybe it's the wrong word but you've settled for second best and your eyes are sad, it isn't good enough Papa. It isn't good enough for you or us. We are already a blended family, Mama may not like it but we are" she had cuddled into her father "Anna has always been nice to us, I remember her loving us both too when Mama wasn't looking. She wasn't like the normal stepmother, that isn't the right word for her but it's how we felt about her" Emma frowned gently "yes that's right, we could always go to her and she always had something nice to give us, something nice to say. Sometimes Mama was very hard on us when you didn't see. We were so lucky to have you." Bjorn was in total disarray as he absorbed their words "did she?" he asked flummoxed "she did" Anna confirmed gently "she helped us a lot, things we couldn't talk to you or Mama about when we were older, she would never let us tell you, not that we ever would have told Mama" she grinned "Why? Why would she do that? It would have helped me if I had known, I thought she didn't care!" he growled "She said it would make your life difficult so best not to say, she didn't want to make anything difficult for you" "Just what was it you couldn't talk to me about?" Bjorn demanded belatedly and his brows rose as Emma and Anna both blushed furiously "Mama never had time" they excused "and it was girls things" "Girls things? Oh!! My god didn't Mama....." he trailed off as realisation struck "what about Eva? Or Grandma?"he asked "We never saw Eva much, we didn't know her and Grandma was too old. It's how we felt at the time Papa. It wasn't true perhaps but because Anna was kind to us every time we saw her and Linda was kind of the right age it was easier" Emma rolled her eyes "this is an awful conversation to have with your father! I got caught out at Anna's while you were with Linda and Christian downstairs and she helped me, she explained to me the things I didn't know and then I was ready to help Anna" she sighed "it wasn't just that it was lots of things some little, some bigger" "it wasn't all the time, just when we really needed help and when we asked" Anna said in her turn "and when we asked why she would help us she said that we were Christian and Linda's sisters and they loved us and she thought we were pretty amazing too, she said we were yours but we didn't understand that bit until we were older" Bjorn frowned "she loved you because you were mine?" and both girls nodded "damn us both to hell!" roared out of Bjorn before he could stop it "when did you last see her? Actually set eyes on her? Where was she?" he demanded "the summer, she wasn't very well. She had an awful cold and she was in the guest house with the dogs" a confused Anna told him
Bjorn mumbled "she did go to the guesthouse, it was true. When in the summer?" "August, Papa you're being weird" Emma said worriedly "he isn't" Anna said quietly "she's what he needs, Papa is she what you won't tell us? She makes you happy?" Anna had always been the intuitive one, her searching, old, emotional soul had always reminded him of Anna and suddenly a lifetime's promise of hiding his angst from the girls crumbled into dust "Your Mama told me to tell her she was sorry when I went to her" he whispered "but I can't find her. I need to fight it out with her one last time, make it right for her even if not for me but she's gone"
His girls had enveloped him in love and hugs while he got himself back together and were quick to absorb the implications "All this time and it's been her" Emma murmured "Mama did something, Mama's never sorry for anything, Mama did something awful" "As did I " Bjorn admitted "Maybe so but you've been sorry for it for 30 years Papa" Anna said firmly "I'm not sorry for you two!" Bjorn got out hastily "Never, you two make my life worthwhile. I love you more than anything" Anna and Emma both grinned "oh we know that, never doubted it for a second. We love you too very much." "Thank you" Bjorn was more emotional than they had ever seen him "I didn't want a second divorce and certainly not at Christmas, I'm sorry" he said gently once he'd got a hold of himself Mama and I agreed to wait till after Christmas but..." he shrugged "Mama went her own way as usual" Emma chuckled "Papa, we are relieved and happy for you both. This should have happened long ago. This will be a Christmas remembered for a new start, the realisation of dreams and the start of a new family not for sad things" "A Christmas that dreams came true Papa and we both will be right behind you, Mama has hers and now you should go get your dream. It's long enough you have waited" Anna added "Wherever she is, she isn't far. She'd never go far from the kids or you, maybe she just wanted freedom" Emma said surely "Papa" Anna said slowly "she may just have pulled off the cleverest trick of all. She'll be where you least expect it, the one place you didn't look. Where didn't you look? Where would she think you hated to be? Where would she think her memories were happiest? Come on Papa. Where out of all the places you know her to have been where was she safe and happy?" Anna demanded "because wherever that is is where she is. She thinks you'll do your normal and never look back. She's hiding in plain sight Papa."
