The Bible of Shrek

The Creation

Shrek created everything. He looked at the blank world and thought "It needs more swamp" so he did. He put swamps on Earth. Then he made people. Why? Dunno. But he did. Then he blinked his brown, shit looking orbs and smiled his yellow teeth. He made the sun and the moon because he thought the world needed some kind of light. Lord Shrek is scared of the dark so he made sure to make the sun super bright. 

He wanted a test run before he filled the whole Earth with people, so he made 2. Ronny and Jane. Shrek told Ronny, "You, little man, you can eat anything here. I don't care. Just don't eat those Onions, ok? Cool." and Ronny asked Lord Shrek, "Why? Will it kill me?" Shrek laughed and said, "No, what the hell? They're just my Onions." Shrek then turned to Jane and whispered, his holy onion breath burning her eyes. "Blessed is the one who grabs your little children and smashes them against a rock. Psalm 137:9." Jane cried and Shrek laughed. 

After a little while Shrek got bored of just watching Ronny and Jane fuck all the time so he made more people and sent Ronny and Jane to Well. It's like Hell, but when you get there you just sorta go, "well." It's not too bad of a place. It's blue, it has room temperature water, the pillows are warm all the time, the blankets are always cold in the winter and warm in the summer, there's always little lego pieces sitting in your shoes and grains of sand in your socks, there's always crumbs of some kind in your bed, and the shower water never gets to the right temperature. But you get your own studio apartment, a cat, and a tiny cactus. And the weather is that nice temp where it's warm enough to sit outside but it's still a little windy. (winter-y spring kinda vibe). 

Then there's Geaven (means 'give' in Dutch). It's like Heaven, but it's not quite the same. You get your own house, an animal of your choosing, you can do whatever you want. Basically Lord Shrek gives you free range like you're a bunch of Chickens. Lord Shrek also made is possible to where you get an unlimited supply of Onions. He's such a generous king. 

Shrek made everyone in his divided and unique way. You're all Lord Shrek's Ugly Onions and he kinda hates you all. It's kinda like when you draw something that took you a really long time so you feel like you have to love it but it's really ugly and you secretly hate it? That's how Shrek feels about you.