I'm not okay. [DISCONTINUED]

I hate you but I miss you

Why do I like him so much?

Why is he making me feel so confused?

I wish I never saw him that day at P.E., I wish I never asked him to dance at the party, I wish I never got his phone number.

I hate that I like him so much I hate that he's making me feel so conflicted.

Maybe I should ghost him.

Yeah, I just need to get over this stupid crush so I can feel like myself again. I need to move on. I need to get over this stupid fixation.

But whenever I think about never seeing or talking to him again I feel sad.

I want him near me, I want him to comfort me, hold me, kiss me. I want him in my life. I want to see him right now.

I miss him.

My thoughts ended up being cut off when I heard the front door open my mom finally arrived. My brother and I rushed down the stairs to greet her. We all exchanged hugs and sat down in the living room to catch up on each other's lives however, my brother and I left out a couple of details.

After we finished talking my mother said she was going to take a nap since she had such a long flight. Jordan and my mother went to their bedrooms leaving me in the living room by myself. I suddenly had an idea so I quickly ran up the stairs to my brothers.

I knocked on the door a couple of times before he opened it.

"What do you want?" he said looking quite annoyed.

"Do you still have the stash?" I whispered.

"No, I only have edibles," he said half whispering.

"Then let me get one," I said getting impatient.

"Wait a second," he said before closing the door in my face.

I hate when he does that.

I heard rustling sounds coming from his room before he swung the door open and handed me a ziplock bag that had a 'rice crispy treat' in it.

"Thanks," is all I said before, skipping back down the hall to my room.

When I made it to my bedroom I locked the door and sat down on my bed. I hastily took the treat out of the bag and broke it in half. I grabbed my tv remote and turned on euphoria. I got comfortable and ate half the edible.

I turned on my back and started getting mesmerized by my ceiling fan.

I was high.

I like this feeling.

I feel like nothing in the world matters.

Like all my problems just faded away.