Kintsugi

Chapter 18: No Future In The Past

warning: this chapter contains a graphic depiction of violence against another human being, resulting in death

_

Hana felt shivers travel down her spine. The atmosphere in the room got darker, almost suffocating. Hisoka was looking at something distant through the window, so she couldn't see his face. He hadn't moved for a few minutes but it felt like hours had passed.

➺ "That day we went out to buy me a new pair of shoes for school," he finally continued. "I remember being excited about going to school for the first time..."

*

➺ "Hisoka, if you aren't downstairs in 5 minutes, we are leaving without you." His mother knew how excited he was about going to school - he had been on his best behaviour for the first time in forever. Of course she used that to her advantage a few times: getting him to do chores was her main struggle for years. Now that he was offering to help willingly, she wasn't going to pass on it. Especially since she knew how quickly he would get bored with school - forcing him to do homework every day was going to be an issue. He always got bored with routines very quickly.

➺ "I see you enjoy having some control over him, my love." Hisoka's dad smiled, giving his wife a passionate kiss.

➺ "Ew, is that why you were rushing me?" Young Hisoka was surprisingly grown-up for his age. His parents always found that endearing.

➺ "One day you will understand this feeling, son. You could be in the busiest of places during rush hour, but your eyes only see one person, and the notion of time ceases to exist," his dad explained on their way out.

*

Hana listened patiently, without any interruption. She wanted to match his pace instead - it was his story after all.

➺ "You know what's funny? I've never had that first day at school." Hisoka let out a deep sigh. "We had spent the whole day looking for the perfect pair of shoes, but they either didn't fit, or weren't good enough. Everyone was having fun though, it wasn't often that we got to spend the whole day together. My dad was working a lot, mum was always tired - the pregnancy was taking its toll on her..." Hisoka's voice trailed off, cold as ice. Tears rolled down Hana's face. She felt the weight of what happened crush her. It's one thing to take someone's life, but taking the life that hasn't even arrived to this world yet... She hated the very idea that those kinds of people existed. "It happened at night, on our way home. We just left this fancy restaurant: dad had a few drinks, so we decided to walk back. It was only a few blocks away from our house." Hisoka still remembered every detail of that dreadful night after all these years.

*

➺ "Are you happy that we've found your shoes for tomorrow?" Hisoka's dad asked, hugging his wife tighter. Young Hisoka smiled at them.

➺ "I can't wait to meet my little sister."

➺ "What if it's going to be a brother?" His mum asked sweetly.

He thought for a moment and then said:

➺ "Then I need to grow up faster to protect him from bullies." Both of his parents laughed.

Suddenly, a man appeared in front of them. Hisoka's dad stepped forward, shielding them from the suspicious stranger.

➺ "Is everything okay?" He asked the man. Before he finished talking, the stranger yanked him with inhuman speed and strength, smashing his face against the ground. He then took out a long pickaxe and stabbed his father's lifeless body over and over again.

*

➺ "I can still hear mother's screams in my nightmares. My dad was killed in an instant. I tried to protect my mum, but I was too weak..." Hisoka's voice broke slightly. "When I realised I was helpless, I started begging him not to hurt my pregnant mother. He looked at me for a long time and then said: I am giving you the blessing of trauma." Hisoka was emitting strong waves of hatred. Hana felt uneasy at the evil aura, shrouding the man she cared about. "He let me live," he continued eventually. "It wasn't much of a life after that though. I survived on the streets, until one day I was found by a circus troupe. The ringmaster taught me how to use Nen. I quite enjoyed performing with them throughout my teenage years. Until one night, after the show, I found out the ringmaster was an infamous serial killer. He used Nen to change his appearance, but that night I finally got to see his real face. I recognised that disgusting face." Notes of anger flashed in Hisoka's voice. This was the first time Hana saw the usually calm and balanced Hisoka showing other emotions. "I enjoyed killing him. Ironically, in his last moments he begged me to spare him because of his young daughter... He was right, it was a blessing to feel such power." Hisoka stayed quiet for a while. Finally, he concluded with a smile: "Well, that was my childhood. Told you it was tragic and boring ♠."

Hana was overwhelmed, her sapphire eyes were still wet. She got up from the sofa and walked up to Hisoka. Without a word, she hugged him. He was surprised at first, but relaxed instantly in her arms. They stayed like that for a while. Hana couldn't imagine how he managed to be the way he was, when he went through something so horrible at such a young age. She had immense respect for him for not breaking down. She knew she didn't have the right to judge, whether it was wrong of him to kill that awful man. It was entirely his decision to choose what would bring justice to him as a victim. For the first time in her life she felt such genuine connection with someone. It wasn't because they both grew up without any family, nor that they both had experienced close encounters with death. It was the shared feeling of utter loneliness. They both knew the depth of emptiness when there is no one who can truly relate to you. They both knew that need to grow, to improve, to be the best you can be, because you are the only person you can rely on. Well, maybe not anymore... Hana wasn't scared of him, nor to bare herself to him. She felt free. She wanted to take that leap of faith regardless of the outcome.

Eventually they moved back to the sofa. Hana grabbed his hand and spoke softly.

➺ "What happened to you is terrible. I've never heard of such cruelty. I can't imagine how you must have felt..." Their eyes met for a split second. Hana saw immense pain in his golden eyes. "I know what losing someone special is like. My best friend, my only close person in this world was killed. Her name was Anya. She is the reason I'm here, taking this exam. Although, lately I've been thinking there was another reason I ended up here..." Hisoka smiled gently, pressing her hand to his lips. He didn't say anything, but she saw it in his eyes - he felt the same way.

_author note_

this chapter has been the hardest to write so far, it even set off my migraine attack :( I think this will be the only dark-themed part in this fanfic

p.s. on a lighter note, did you recognise the excerpt from the summary? it's taken from this chapter