A weird world

confused ....

I stand here....in the most famous spot in my city .
Where i learned that life can be easy , but it's not . And we can live in peace , but we don't .
We spend hours creating new plans and weapons to destroy ourselfs . Am not talking about guns and bombs here . And am not talkikg about world peace too .
I don't give a damn about those two .
I got no intrests to change anything in this world , since the human lived in this earth first time and the battles are hitting in everywhere in this planet that's how human built , sometimes he agree with other and sometimes he doesn't , it's all about the way he fix things up with others.
I live in my own world ,Where everything is a question mark to me .
Too many question come to my head that ruin my mood .
Like why we even exist in this world ? What's the point ,My best guess is : to suffer .
Some people will answer with answers they read in some books or came with their relegion .
I do not deny that am a religious person , but am also realistic , i follow logical ideas . I can't live with supernaturel beleives .
Overthinking has always been a desease inside me , eating my brain's cells slowely .
However am tired at night , i can't sleep until i think about stuff aren't even my problem .
Or overthink about people actions with me , how were their face reaction and their way of talking with me , i usualy end up to the result that they don't like me and am inwanted to them , so i just back off with my dignity .
That's what make me end up lonely or apologizing for things I didn't even do or things don't even matter or maybe those people didn't even notice .
But i do notice , i notice everything , i see things coming even before they happend . And that's the advantge of being an overthinker . You read every possible way of things can go .
I keep chasing some dreams so hard , I keep telling myself that am doing that to show those people that am not just another stupid young man , with extra emotions who try to look like those deep teens .
I chase my dreams cause working so hard is all i know , and i even have fun in doing that .
I suppose that's better than talking shit about other people or fuck their mental health for no reason .
I don't mind being called with harsh names like : freak , weirdo , lonely .......cause the truth is i am  a lonely freak .
Somethhing about my conscience keeps dragging me to a darker place that feels good when am in it .
Even tho my physical appearence did other people's thought about me wrong .
I never hurted anyone , and i never intend too, i can't even think about the idea of making someone suffer of something that i cause .
I guess my darkness is whiter than some people's hearts .
But sometimes i think about giving people what they expect me to do , be a bad person and hurt them , but i simply can't .
The problem is in this last months is that something inside me has changed , nothing can turn any emotions inside me .
My corp is being moved by a dead soul . I used to feel that goosebumps in my whole body when i listen to a nice song or watch a nice movie or even when i pray .
Non of those can bring my soul's flame back anymore .
I spend my days hoping that something can help me to turn on that flame back again , Am not even sure if that thing exist .....