When Depression Takes Over

Chapter 6: 8th grade

8th grade started, I thought it would be a good year. I thought wrong. Already on the first day I was being called a whore and a slut. by Jake. I was hoping it would all end. I knew I was one but they didn't need to remind me. I didn't want to be I just turned into one, and that tore me apart on the inside. The one person who called me it the most though was Jake. He didn't know it hurt me, I just hid it by a laugh so I acted like I didn't care, like I didn't take it as a joke. What I really did was I would be stabbing myself on the inside, I'd break not being able to change it.

Everyone thought I was a whore. They heard what has happened, what I've said and planned on doing, also all the pictures.

A month later and all of this I still happening. Each day goes by, hating myself a little more every time. "Why do I have to be so worthless?" I tell myself. Even if anybody knew how I felt nobody would care. They only care if you pretty or dead.

I thought he would stop calling me this by now. Couldn't he tell I have had enough. I just smile it off and act like its all a joke, hell I acted like everything was a joke.

One day, the word went around our grade about the picture I sent to Jake. Why the hell did I start sending pictures. Still being called a whore everyday. Making me seem like I'm an easy slut.

Whore, slut, prostitute, go back to the corner, Austin fucker, why don't you just go back and fuck him. AGAIN. That's everything I heard. Daily, even though we never actually had sex. Why doesn't anyone believe me? I'm telling them but its just like I'm invisible.

Weeks went by, nothing getting better. Only getting worse. All through the local schools I'm know as the slut. I was even compared to this girl named Tristine who had sex, well I don't know how many times.

One day, I just had enough. This was in November. Whore,whore, whore every time I was at my locker I heard those words. God I hated myself so much I wanted to die. I still kept a smile on my face for everyone. For them to think I don't give a shot what everybody thinks. Well they were all wrong. I was depressed, since September but I faught the urge.

On that day I just lost it. I got home ran up to my room and balled my eyes out. Everyone hates me. So I got out a pair of scissors, got undressed, hot into the shower so nobody could her me crying. I'm really going to do this? After all this fighting,I'm done. I sat on the floor of the bathtub. I'm going to do it.

I gotta scissors from the floor outside of the tub. I first thought couldn't there be a better way? but it was to late. I turned on my music, to the song watch me bleed. I got the scissors to my skin, crying. I started to press, pulling it across my skin as it starts to bleed. I just dropped the scissors. What have I done.

I just sat their watching the blood drip from my wrist being relieved from some of the pain. As watch me bleed still plays over an over. A grin appears on my face. Thinking if they were all here seeing this, it would make it so different. "Yeah.. watch me bleed you bastards.." That's what I said to myself. That night I slept good, I felt numb but I was happy. Happy that I released my pain.

It's time for school again. Shit, how ami going to hide my wrist from everybody?! I just decided to keep my wrist glued to my side. Hell, it wouldn't matter if I just let it go anyways nobody cares because I'm the whore.

I walked into school. Ready for what was going to be thrown at me. Again the names. I had a way to cope with this now. It still hurts when people say it. Still hating myself more and more everyday. Everyone makes mistakes. I only made a few bad decisions but nobody's perfect, do why judge me? I'm just so helpless, nobody knew.

Until Alex saw me cut in reading class. I was playing with my scissors in my own little world. Running around looking for an escape from everything. In school I cut my fingers, it was the easiest I could do. Alex watched, which I realized when I looked at him.bI think he saw my wrist. Fantastic. So I told him that night I would explain.

It came time to tell Alex, I told him.. I cut my self. He was shocked. Kept asking why but I'd never answer. I trusted him, that he wouldn't tell anybody. Now I know, I can't trust him.

A week or so later, I get a text from Jake "I know your secret" "What secret?" I thought it was just another rumor he was going to tell me, then call me a slut afterwards. But no... The least expected was said "You cut yourself:/" I started balling. Worst if all I was face timing my good friend Baylee at the time. How the hell did he find out!! Well 2 people found out that day.. great. So I told Jake why... I said "because the names... I couldn't take it anymore its been 2 years I'm just done. Nobody cares anyways." That was probably the worst night of my life.

Of course I still cut. To get the hatred I had towards myself out. Some people still called me names. Which Jake no longer did. Finally, after a year I'm not hearing the word whore from him, or any name things have changed.

Now I realized if was me calling myself names. A new one added to the list everyday. Even though Jake said he cared I had a feeling he didn't, that still nobody did. I was all alone. No one knew how I felt.

Every night I'd sit there calling myself names. Whore, slut, worthless, not good enough, nothing, prostitute, hooker. Cutting as I said each and every word, I was helpless. I wanted to stop so bad. I just couldn't.

Thanksgiving came along, I was going to my cousins house. The one who about raped me during the summer. Which I realized I didn't put that story in here. Here it is:

I was in the room with him, in only my bikini. We were watching funny videos on You Tube when all if a sudden I feel my bikini strings slip off, him pulling my top off of me. He's always asked me if he could see my boobs but I never let him, I still never will. I covered up as I fell to the floor. Still covering me from his touch. He gets on top of me and threatens me. Saying he will feel me up and hump me. I still protected myself. When he starts to dry hump me and attempts to finger me. I jumped and flipped over as he removed my hands. I wouldn't budge, until he try's to finger me again. That's when he got my arms off. Then he started to feel up my tits. Yeah I was helpless, being forced on the ground but I flipped getting him off me.

Yeah rapist cousin... So back to it I went to his house in Virginia for Thanksgiving. He tried to feel me up again until I punched him across the face then kicking his stomach saying never fucking touch me again or bad things will happen so he left me alone. Until he saw the cuts. He started freaking out but I told him it was the cat. It works every time.

I was back home now, still cutting every night but I moved to a new location, my thighs so nobody knew. Perfect. The first time I cut my thigh it was a little hard, but the second time I went a little to far.

Note:

Well that's how it all started. Only half of my journey. How will it turn out next chapter?