If Only

Twenty Five

Charlotte Crawford

I stared at the ceiling in thought admiring the cream colored wood with detailing as the light shined on it

"So how would you say it's been lately" I looked up to Kimberly, my therapist as she had her pen and pad in hand

"I've been listening to less Rihanna recently" she nodded her head writing notes

I've been in therapy since 18 the second I could get one on my own. I've had different ones but Emma has stuck for the past 3 years

"I'm only asking because we discontinued therapy for 5 months until today, what's new in your life" she was most definitely hinting at the debatable small food baby or baby bump displayed on my stomach

"If your questioning if I'm pregnant the answer is yes, I'm 13 weeks" I stared blankly at the ceiling again before she could speak I did

"It's not Carters, he's gone. Has been a lying cheating ass hole!"

"Well there's definitely things to unpack, but let's start with Carter and the cheating and make our way up, we have an hour and a half left" I knew she knew about Nate, every tabloid did

"And then we came home from our honeymoon and it's been crickets, we unfortunately live together but I sleep in a different room and we completely ignore each other. Some time I don't come home at all and I wonder if he notices

"Well do you not come home to spite him or just because you're unable to?"

"Both, I just want the man to care, it's a loveless marriage" I sighed as I looked up to her

"But it's not loveless for you, the way you've described him. I mean I'm not you but what it sounds like is that you have feelings for him. That might be your hormones talking, but you liked this guy before you were pregnant"

"You are the only person who controls your feelings. You can act on them to try and find out what they mean or just let them sit there. They might go away, or they might not. You both were placed in a tricky situation with an arranged marriage"

"I've been giving him time, he hasn't missed any appointments but he doesn't see me. He doesn't even want to have sex with me, probably because he's getting it from someone else!"

"Now you can't confirm that unless you have solid evidence. Sure you can think about it but that won't get you anywhere"

"It's just so weird you know, my life just changed so fast. I had a dream about Carter and Alyssa. it was the memory in my head all over again. Had me grateful that at least I didn't marry him, I know the truth"

"While I was looking at rings he was looking at other woman's naked bodies"

Flash back:

Tonight was the night, for some reason it just felt right. I felt ready and confident and I wanted to commit to him. I knew Carter was the man for me, I could trust him

I unlocked the lock to his apartment with my key "Carter, it's Charlotte" I closed the door walking into the living room, I spotted a bottle of whine with two glasses one empty the other with a little bit of red left in

The black pumps and a jacket I recognized that didn't belong to me. I felt my heart race as I heard a noise upstairs, ignoring the  discarded items of clothing scattered.

"Carter?" I charged upstairs as my heart raced, I placed my fingers on the handle hesitantly, I didn't want to know the truth. Whatever it was there was no way he'd do this to me