Moving Mountains (Patrick Kane)

Goodbyes .14

Valerie

When I was a kid I always quit before I got attached or good at something. Piano, painting, any club or friend group. Right before I get comfortable enough to be scared of losing it I would drop it. People, hobbies, material things. I could always tell when my feelings would change, would feel it in my gut. And I knew what came next, the let down, the heart break. Having that thing ripped away from me with no say at all. The eventually being pushed to the side because everyone and everything in this life is replaceable.

It's not like I enjoy being like this. There are many things I often times wonder if I would have stuck to them where I would be right now. People that could have meant something if I would have stayed. But it's in my nature. I'm not one of those people who is willing to risk being hurt time after time. I don't know how many more times I could lose before I lost my mind.

And so I say goodbye to the place I enjoyed working at the most. Already have a job in a hotel lined up and start training this week. I couldn't bring myself to go another two weeks knowing they would do things to keep me around. Plus I'm no good at goodbyes, no matter how they're said they still hurt. No matter what we say this is the end, why sugar coat it?

Sometimes a goodbye doesn't always sound like a goodbye. Maybe it's a "I'll see you around" with no intentions of reaching out or "I just need a few days" knowing deep down that we have reached the end of our days. If you ask my dad he says good bye by saying "you'll be with your grandma for the weekend and I'll be back." My friends say "I'll let you know when I'm free." Goodbyes suck, therefore I am avoiding my goodbyes, however they would sound. Leave before I get left again.

"You loved working there" Patrick reminds me before tossing some oats for the ducks who kept us company by Lake Michigan. It was another hot one today but we stay by the water to ward off the heat.

"I know. But no one is meant to stay in one place forever. It was time for me to move on, that's it" I defend.

"That's it" he asks.

"That's it" I repeat.

"You know why I have trouble believing you, right" he questions.

"No, not really. This is pretty on brand for me" I shrug.

"Val you can't just give up because you're scared. Something bad can happen but something good could happen too. Those were your friends, you saw these people every day and you're okay with just tossing it all to the side" he accuses.

"They were not friends. We had a common goal and needed the money, that was the extent of the relationship. I made sure of it so when this day came I could leave and there is no ripping off the bandaid. They will be fine without me and I can leave without any issues" I explain. 

"That's insane" he tries.

"That's how it goes" I promise.

"How do you live like that? Going place to place trying your best to forget everyone knowing that they won't forget you. You convince yourself these people are better off without you but you also make it so impossibly hard to imagine life without you. Don't you see? Maybe you can slip in and out of peoples lives but have you stopped to think that these people might think highly of you? There's no way you can just walk out of everyone's life and not feel a thing" he scoffs.

"Patrick that's all I know" I admit.

"So what does that mean for me" he asks and I freeze. I can see the hurt in his eyes. The thought of me using him and then leaving right before it gets good. And even though he doesn't think I think these things through, I do. Making waves like this changes a lot and he wasn't some job or a simple shoulder to lean on. He was more than that to me and I didn't know how to tell him that. "Was this your plan all along? To leave? To let me get close, show me a world I never knew was possible and then just take it with you" he accuses.

"No" is all I say.

"Then what? What's the plan here" he questions.

"I-I don't know" I whisper.

"What" he asks.

"I am not giving up on you, Patrick. You happy? You want me to spell it out for you? For the first time in my life I let someone in. And that's you. Yes I'm scared that you will hurt me just like every other person in my life has and yes I want to run far away from you just to prevent it from happening but I can't. I can't stand the idea of having to go a day without your terrible sense of humor or any sad attempt you make to see me smile.

So yes, I usually push everything away before I get too far in. Always keep a shovel with me to dig out of every hole I fall in. But for whatever reason when it comes to you I will fight to keep whatever it is we have" I say.

He just stares at me with those damn blue eyes. God they were gorgeous. And the way the wind was whipping his hair around he looked like a Greek god. In this moment I wish I could disappear. I wish he was like everyone else and would look right through me.

But he sees me. And he knows why I do the things I do. He doesn't understand but better than anyone, he knows.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you like that" he says softly.

"It's okay" I try.

"It's not. I'm well aware that you are working towards getting better. And it's not all going to happen at once. Commitment is a big thing and you need to build yourself up. One day you will find something that makes you so happy you can't live without it and you'll never want to quit" he insists.

Looking at him it seems like I already did.

"Thank you. And don't let what I said go to your head. I'm keeping you around but you do something stupid and I have 26 years of experience when it comes to saying goodbye. You won't even know I said it" I threaten.

"How would you say goodbye to me" he asks.

"It's hard for me to imagine. I don't think there would be a goodbye, not even a secret one. No "I just need some space" or "I'll see you again." I think I would just have to leave. Couldn't take looking you in the eyes knowing I won't be able to see them again. Or hear you call my name for what I know would be the last time. I think that's a pain not even I could bare" I admit.

He reaches over and places his hand on my knee. He pulls me closer until our legs were touching. Even in this heat he gave me chills.

"How about we don't say goodbye to each other? We can say "come home safe" and we'll know we will see each other again" he suggests.

I look at his hand on my leg as I swallow ever feeling I had trying to make a escape.

"I like that. I always want you to come home safe" I admit.

"And I hope you do too" he smiles.