My Heart Won't Let Me

All I Ever Need

Chapter 19

‘All I Ever Need’

“I don’t want to get married..”

To say that Ross was stunned at her words was the understatement of the year. He didn’t know what provoked the conversation in the first place, but as he thought more about it, he could see the only reason why she talked about not wanting to get married out of the blue.

“You saw the ring...” Ross stated softly as the revelation hit him.

Rachel nodded and then she sobbed freely at this point, burying her face in her hands. Ross wanted to console her - to make her feel better, but a part of him was broken knowing the fact that she didn’t want to marry him.

It wasn’t like he was going to ask now. It was way too soon anyway, he knew she wasn’t ready. Hell, he wasn’t even ready. But he was still planning to propose one day, maybe on their first anniversary or on Christmas – which was still months away. A Christmas proposal would be very romantic, maybe he’d give her the ring as they exchanged gifts early in the morning. He could already picture her in tears as he kneeled in front of her with his grandmother’s ring, ready to spend the rest of their lives together.

She had said she wanted all that with him - the marriages, children, and the white-picket house. He wondered what caused her change of heart, but he knew whatever it was, it was probably his fault. She didn’t trust him, he wasn’t an idiot. He knew she couldn’t trust him after what he had done that night years ago. But learning the fact that she didn’t want all that with him was breaking his heart in a way he never anticipated it before and he wasn’t sure what to say to make it all better.

“I-I’m so sorry..” She sobbed louder, her body shook vigorously. “I’m so sorry..”

His heart was hurting from her confession, but seeing her like this broke his heart even more. He couldn’t picture a life without Rachel in it and if it meant they’d never gotten married because she didn’t want to, then Ross would take it. Ross would rather not be married to her, than losing her all at once. What mattered the most was the fact that they would be still together, no matter what their legal status were.

He just couldn’t lose her.

He didn’t want to live without her.

"Rach, no.. It's okay if you changed your mind.." Ross sighed, leaning in to envelope her in a tight hug. He stroked her back soothingly, willing her to calm down. His chest tightened as he listened to her sobs and he swallowed a lump in his throat. "It's okay.. If you don't want to get married, it's okay.. I understand. It doesn't matter if we're married or not, as long as we have each other, it's going to be alright. You're all I need, married or not. I won't resent you, I promise.."

Ross could feel the tears starting to form in his eyes as he said those words to her. He really meant it. He didn’t need the marriage, he just needed her. He needed Rachel.

“What?” Rachel broke apart, looking at him bewilderedly with the remnant of tears still present in her blue eyes.

“You changed your mind..” Ross sighed. “I mean I get it, although I’m a little confused. The other day you said you wanted all that with me, so I thought..” Ross paused, looking devastated and it was only then that Rachel realized her mistake.

“I didn’t..” Rachel breathed.

Ross furrowed his brows, confused. “-but you said..”

“I know what I said..” Rachel didn’t let him finish. “I didn’t want to get married now, but I do want to marry you, someday.. But not now or anytime soon.. Or, I don’t know..” She bit her lips, feeling frustrated with herself. “Maybe.. One day?” She whispered, both feeling unsure and scared of what she truly wanted for their future.