Quietly weeping in the night without letting anyone know you put your hand over your mouth to ensure not even a squeak comes out and your other hand pinches your new cap so the pain you give yourself is greater than the pain you feel inside. The uncomfortable feeling your not sure where it's coming from and yet you weep as you are in pain.
If somehow someone has managed to find you, the backup plans you keep inside fool those that care for you while feigning a smile and using your kind-looking eyes to observe their actions and their facial expressions to further trick them into a white web of lies.
Sometimes you humour the idea of releasing the small and insecure girl who is waiting to be free and sure your deep and dark problems to her family but possibilities of making them walk on eggshells on top of the hurt and guilt that your mom and dad might feel for not being able to recognise that their daughter is in pain and how they may start having doubts if her smile as she jokes around were all a facade her pulls on your the heart. Only she knows the truth and she is willing to take it to the grave.
These days remind her of how mentally unstable she is.
Although she knows the answer is to walk forward and live but her methods leave her somewhat stagnant as she tries to slowly untangle herself and slowly figure out how horrible she is inside scared her.
Even though she is actively trying to tear down the illusion she made and keeps it up until she can "fix" herself.
Burnout will sure hit her and if it does she will remain stagnant for more days to come until the courage to stand a work once again pushes her forward. Questioning if she has any right to be mentally unstable although she had a relatively perfect childhood. Does she deserve to be like this? This is the question that hits her the most.
(From the third person it slowly changes to the first person because from the beginning she was talking about herself as her thoughts reach deeper in her mind.)
How dare I will be like this?
There are much bigger problems that people face and people that deserve to be sad but why are you sad?
I wonder to myself if I can ever accept myself being depressed or angry instead of writing it off as undeserving.
Will I be able to normalize this?
Will I ever have the answer I'm looking for?
"I need to go to therapy" this exact dialogue is what I tell myself but if I ever went to therapy my family sure as hell will never find out and I will make sure of that.
With problems, I deem okay to share I will then introduce them and seek their advice and then like a fairytale the problem will be checked off and they would feel proud as my family and it would bring them a sense of security and happiness as they have helped their family member with their troubles.
The reason I will keep doing this is so I can put them at ease without hurting them with the truth and to avoid all eggshell walking that I previously put them on. I will be a filial daughter to her parents and a true daughter who will have deep talks and disagreements with their thoughts but also provide everything they want from me the best I can. I will trap them in a white web of lies.
But then again who needs to know that except myself they don't need to know about everything going on with me and this is an individual problem that's for sure.
I feel satisfied somehow, although this might be an illusion , I like it.

YOU ARE READING
Not Sure yet
Short StoryThe thoughts of a 16-year-old girl who is unsure of herself or life.This story gives you a sight into her inner thoughts as she carries on her daily life and the life of her older self. THE PICTURES IN THIS STORY ARE NOT MINE ONLY THE STORY ITSELF...