ALPHA

CHAPTER 1

I've been staring at the ceiling for hours, thinking of the most random things. From butterflies to lions. Iceland to Arizona. I am not ecstatic nor melancholic. Bored is the simplest word to describe this empty feeling.

Is it really boredom? Are you sure it is boredom, Noa? A question I've trying to contemplate for years.

"Ah! So, what to do now?" Asking myself after letting out a loud sigh. "Okay, being organized is the key. I will list down all the things I need to accomplish. All of my goals whether small or big. This will help me to track my performance and help me to achieve the result I want."

That's me, Noa. And yes, trying to talk to herself again. Addressing myself in the third person. Not that it's a bad thing. It's just how I am sometimes.

Self-talk is healthy. It is necessary to process our thoughts and emotion. It is unhealthy if I refer to myself as another person. Which I don't do. Thank heavens!

I let out a sigh for the thousandth time.

I can do this.

I have to do this.

These phrases became my mantra.

I get up and as I walked past the window, I came to a realization that I left it open again last night. I mentally remind myself to close it tonight. Hoping I will remember or maybe I will forget it again. Maybe the fireflies will help me to remember.

Barefooted, I went straight to the bathroom while stripping off my boyleg shorts and loose white top. Step into the shower and let the cold water hit my skin. The water is ice cold but I like how it embraces me. How it soothes me.

I should eat after this. Haven't eaten anything last night. Another healthy mental talk.

After a few seconds of enjoying the water, I grabbed a bottle of body wash. I gently run my soft bath sponge onto my body and I felt my nipples harden when it touches my perky breast.

I looked at it. Admiring it. Those pink little gems look so desirable right now.

I suddenly felt the urge to touch it.

Feel it.

Play with it.

Massage it! The voice inside me yelled.

I looked at it once again while contemplating if I will do it or not. But desire hits so hard. All my rational side is gone. I used my forefinger to feel it. Gently touching it and I felt little waves of pleasure.

This is good.

My back hits the cold tiled bathroom wall as I use both of my hands to squeeze and massage what's in front of me. I have to satisfy my need. I let my hand travel to the place I wanted to explore.

As my fingers touched my center I let out a soft moan.

I need sex.

Lots of it.

It's been years since I let someone touch me. After my last break-up years ago, I didn't sleep with anyone.

My soft moans turned into loud pleading. I don't know how long I stand there pleasuring myself over and over. After a few seconds of ecstasy, I am back to reality. I grabbed a towel to cover my wet body. I step out of the bathroom and head straight to my closet. I didn't know I'd been in the bathroom for almost an hour until I checked my phone near the sink.

I hastily applied lotion to my body. As I dress up, my mind wanders again to the event earlier. My body exploration inside the bathroom. I love it but at times, I feel waves of guilt. It never goes away.