Lisa – A few weeks later
"Lisa, what were you even thinking?" Even my father couldn't believe I almost went through with the adoption and what made matters worse, he was pleased when I told him Mr. Sung had crossed my plans. Though, he didn't show any interest when I asked him to keep it all calm because I was in a store, pushing a shopping cart around the store and among countless shelves. "Dad, I'm in a public place, could you please not scream at the phone so much? Also, can we talk about anythi..." I didn't want to discuss my ultimate fail. I was already feeling bad about everything, I didn't need anyone else, especially my Dad who's close to me, to tell me I'm a big dumb idiot.
He didn't care much about how I was going to defend myself and he coldly interrupted me "I swear to God, Lisa, I sometimes don't understand you." He took a small pause, then returned with even a bigger scolding hour "I don't think you're shy, overall uncomfortable or lack confidence. Pff, what am I even talking about, I know none of those things that I've mentioned even describes you! There are no barriers on your way to pursue a woman and build a family with her! Just look at yourself in the mirror, look at your social status, look at the apartment you own and you still think adoption is the only way?" While he was speaking, I sighed a few times and pinched the area between my eyes. The scolding journey just wouldn't end and I was getting really tired. But then Dad said something that was stronger than caffeine from six coffees and 4 red bulls mixed together. "Is this about Irene?!"
"What?!" I choked out. "No!" A guy who was looking for frozen pizza anxiously glanced at me. Maybe he thought what I yelled out was meant for him. I stiffly pushed the cart and ran away from his disturbing sight. "Are you sure?"
"I don't need to explain myself to anyone, I'm an adult!" I barked back into the phone and after I calmed down, I proceeded "The adoption was my idea, okay? It was a bad one, but hey, who cares." I knew I sounded like a pissed-off teen who just got into high school, but I was in no mood to build up a special, organised character in control. My Dad didn't say anything, he waited for me to say more. He knew if I ever talked about my own feelings, I talked about them only with him and nobody else. "I was just... getting really excited about it." Dad knew what every word I uttered meant. He understood how I felt if I swallowed the last syllable or if I raised my voice at the end of the word. "I'm not trying to offend you, but maybe it's for the best. Raising a child is not an easy job, it's a huge obligation that demands your whole world to shrink from fun, job and women to the small baby in a crib. I know you can pull it off, but no one really knows what it's like raising a child until they actually have one."
"I know, I know. But it wouldn't be so hard for me as everybody thinks. Okay, maybe I'll have some PMS syndromes, but every parent has them. The child wouldn't be in any great danger of starvation or hatred if it was under my care and you know it! I took care of Aidan for so many times, I can't count them on fingers of my both hands." I stopped next at an aisle with chips of all sorts. Flavours glared at me invitingly, sour cream & onion, cheddar cheese, salt & vinegar, barbecue, multigrain, baked potato, grilled shrimp, tortilla chips and millions of others. They were all calling me, whispering my name and I asked myself if I was in a self-destructive mood. Yes, yes, I was. But I didn't take the chips. Dad's voice was reassuring and soft, like always when he spoke to me and I was getting emotional. He's been nothing but supportive of me and even when I was crumbling down and drowning in self-pity, he found a way to make me feel better on the inside. Sometimes that was confirmation what bad luck I have and how I don't deserve it, sometimes he'd just listen and every now and then murmur 'Mhm', 'Yes', 'I see' or 'I understand' and sometimes all it took was some cruelty and reality, then I managed to use my stubbornness in a good way and picked myself up. "I know all about it, Lisa, but watching over a kid for one weekend or constantly being one's hawk-eye parent isn't the same thing. I don't doubt you'd be a good parent, but let's just say things sometimes happen for a reason. Maybe now you'll change your mind about finding the significant other, who knows."
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"No." I barked.
"Lisa..."
"No, Dad. I'm sick of talking about this with pretty much everyone. Everyone's been trying to change my mind about it, using a reason I'd be happy if I changed my ways. But you all fail to realise, I'm happy the way I live and the way my life is organised. And I'm happy there is no serious commitment in my life except for my job, which I adore." I was done explaining this to so many people. Maybe that was so because nobody would listen and they'd just keep pushing it their way, no matter what my interests were. Dad didn't hang up, but he did remain quiet. I knew how much he was unimpressed with the way I've lived, but he never criticised me for it. "Alright, if that's what you want. But I think you're making a mistake. I'm almost sure you'd enjoy having a girlfriend or a wife."
Usually, someone mentioning the 'wife' word would make me explode. I despise marriage. No one in the whole fucking world will convince me into marrying anyone, anywhere, any when. No bloody way. But Dad didn't mean anything bad, he was just hoping to bend my knees, which would eventually make me change my mind. "I don't like the thought of doing that anytime soon." While talking, I glanced at my shopping cart and its contents and I am remembered by the view that I really really really need a new cologne. The last one I bought soon became a subject of worshipping. I got all the sweet ladies with it. But I did run out of it when Hae-in dragged me with him on a date. He chuckled just like he did whenever I called him as a kid and he and Mom were already divorced. "You really are one of a kind, kiddo."
"Thanks, I try." More chuckling followed from his side, but this time it was contagious and soon I was chuckling along with him. I walked past the fruit and veggies section as I continued to talk to him "How's Evelyn?" His chuckles died down and after a brief moment, he sighed "Lisa, you don't have to ask me about her. I know how you feel about it."
"What? Dad, I asked you about her because I want to know." I protested and checked a cereal box with forest fruits on the shelf before I put it back where I found it. "Are you sure? I can tell when you're lying." I shrugged and stopped the cart "If you really know me, then you're aware that I don't do things unless I want to." Dad laughed loudly and I had to hold the phone a few inches away from my ear. Hearing his laughter over the phone wasn't a thing that I appreciated very much. It was always too loud and booming, but in my early teens, I found it comforting when I got the chance to hear it. In reality, though, his laughter could brighten up any mood and cure serious mental illnesses. "That's exactly what worries me." He laughed again and after he finally stopped, he took a breather first "Yeah, otherwise, she's okay." I could feel the bitterness in his voice and I let him find the power to tell me on his own. During the waiting, I walked around the store some more and got myself a loaf of cornbread. One of the best things in the world.
"She's still bugging me. Well, she never stopped." He finally said it and even I froze in my place, with my hand still in the air, holding onto the loaf of bread. "Might as well give in." That hurt me more than it should. Dad having a new kind of family. "Y-you will?" When Dad spoke again, his voice was full of regret. Maybe because I didn't get his joke and it made us both feel a bit depressed about it. "Heads up, kid, it was only a joke." He forced out a chuckle that sounded more like a sob "A bad one, apparently."
"No, no, no, Dad, I'm sorry, I just... I don't know, I guess I kind of expected you to give in eventually." I stuttered in the call. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes to get my life back on right tracks.
He scoffed so loudly his phone barely processed it and I nearly went deaf by the crackling sound "No woman will ever convince me into having more children!" I laughed at how easy-going he was about it and I began to push the cart slower when I reached the long wall of refrigerators, full of milk and milk products "You sure she isn't powerful enough?"
"Pretty sure." He said reassuringly and truthfully "You remember what I told you when Evelyn first started with the 'I want kids' thing?"
"Still, things can change," I said and took a random carton of milk. Dad's voice changed completely. The moment I heard how he began to speak to me, I was taken back when he moved to Seoul after the divorce. We'd talked every day and he would always tell me how much he loved me. That right now was the same voice. "Things between me and your mother didn't work out, but I know she gave birth to great kids and I love you all. I don't need more than what I already have and I don't want it either. I have Evelyn and I am happy with her, she's a wonderful woman, but Bambam, Rosé and you are the only kids I want."
"Dad..." I murmured and stopped in an aisle where no one else seemed to be shopping. I hated that man for how emotional he could make me. Whenever we shared a moment like this, my heart's desires were the same as twenty years ago when I just wanted to be next to him and tell him in the face how much I always loved him. "I feel the need to remind you, you were the only one planned, Lisa." I was left laughing until tears sprung to my eyes. Maybe those were from laughter or from the previous launch of emotions, but it didn't really matter. I heard him laughing on the other side of the line as well and it warmed my heart. "The only one planned and the only one to be the most disappointing. Seems logical."
"Bah, Lisa!" He growled at me "You are anything but a disappointment. So, this adopting thing didn't work out for you, but many other things did. Nobody becomes the head engineer just like that." I smiled at the thought. Hearing it coming from him made me feel more confident and prouder. "I suppose so," I said when I heard the door close on his side of a line and figured Evelyn probably arrived home.
He first mimicked me "Suppose so, suppose so. Be proud of what you've accomplished, Lisa and you're not even halfway through." His intonation went down when he said through and I knew this probably meant goodbye. "Kiddo, I gotta run. Talk to you soon, okay?"
"As always, Dad. Bye."
"Bye." He was the first to hang up and after the beeping sound that announced the call has ended, I put the phone in my pocket.
