Chim - We Found Love

Chapter 73

I woke up alone on the tour bus the morning of the last day of the tour. There was silence, the dancers having already left to enjoy their last day on the road.

As I had for the previous three mornings I had woken up alone, I grabbed my phone, squinting at the time and focusing instead on the many messages, missed calls and voicemails. All from Cheryl.

She had kept her distance since we had argued in Manchester, but she hadn't stopped trying to get me to speak to her properly. My phone was probably on the brink of crashing altogether, the amount of messages and calls it was getting through from her.

Ignoring everything that bore Cheryl's name, I opened a message from Sarah, rubbing one eye as I did so.

Morning Kimbers... dare I ask how u are? U spoke to Chezza? Xx 

Sorry Saz just got up... no I've not x

Before I could even lie down fully again, Sarah rang me.
'Hi.'
'Hey... you sound terrible.'
'Like I said, I just got up.'
'Yeah I'm sure that's the reason. Why haven't you spoken to Cheryl?'
'Because I don't want to.'
'Come on, it's been days now--'
'Thought you were on my side?'
'I am you idiot, I just hate the thought of you being miserable and by yourself when if you and Cheryl just talk--'
'I've got nothing else to say to her.' I interrupted. Just the sound of her name sent an arrow through my heart. 'And she's not saying anything real to me, so...'
'What about after the tour tonight? If she wants to talk to you--'
'Then she knows where I'll be. I'm not hanging around tonight. I just want to go home.'
My heart twisted painfully again; when I said 'home', I thought of me and Cheryl, together at the house. But that wasn't where I was going after tonight was over and done with.
'You and her can't really be finished.' Sarah sighed.
My eyes filled with tears and I sat up, swinging my legs out of bed. 'I've got to go.' I said quickly, hanging up and covering my face with my hands, crying softly to myself.

The thought of not being with Cheryl any more felt like someone was trying to stop me from breathing. I already knew, from how I had felt over the last few days, that there was no way I could do it.
But at the same time, I didn't have a clue where I stood with her. When she lay with me, looking into my eyes and telling me with such sincerity that she loved me and needed me, I believed her. But when she screamed at me when a pap took a photo of us hugging, and kissed one of her dancers on stage, I didn't know what was going on. And trying to figure out where I stood while trying to make sense of her was giving me a constant headache.

Composing myself, I headed down to the kitchen area on the bus for a drink, stopping at the bottom of the steps when I saw Cheryl.
'Hey.' She said quietly. 'I didn't see you come out with everyone so...'
'What do you want?'
'...You've been crying.' She whispered, the tone of her voice sounding like she was in pain.
'What do you want?' I repeated.
'I spoke to Tre.' She said. 'Just now. I asked him right out if he'd spiked me drink.'
I didn't say anything, slowly making my way to the sink and washing a glass.
'He's really upset. He doesn't understand why I've even asked him that or why I'd think that. I'm pretty sure he'll never speak to us again after tonight. He says he didn't have anything to do with it and I believe him.'

I still didn't answer. I didn't want to admit that I had never really thought Tre had been responsible for Cheryl being so ill that night; I had just accused him on the spot because I was drunk and furious with him for kissing my girlfriend.

'Aren't you gonna say anythin'?'
'It makes no difference, you still kissed him.'
'How many times am I gonna have to tell you, it was nothing, babe, I swear... it was nothin' more than a friendly kiss, and if I'd known we were gonna end up like this over it, I'd never have done that stupid cake thing at all.'
I had a few gulps of water then emptied the glass, running it under the tap and washing it again.
'Kimba, Please look at me.'
I didn't move.
'I can't stand this. You're breaking me heart, you won't even let us touch you... why won't you talk to us, why won't you even look at us?'
'Cos you make me believe things when I look at you, and now I don't know if you meant any of it... I can't, you mess with my head.'
'I'm not, I just wanna talk to you, I know I've treated you badly and I'm sorry it's took this for us to realise--'
'Cheryl I'm not doing this now.'
'Then when?! You won't answer the phone to us and you're gonna leave tonight so when am I supposed to talk to you?'
I didn't have an answer to that so I just stayed quiet, staring into the sink.
'Tell us when we can talk, and we will, whenever you want I just can't stand us being like this, Kimba.'
'We can talk when you've figured out what you want.'
'How many times d'you need to hear, I just want you!'
'You can say it all you want, I still don't know if I believe you.' I said, my voice starting to shake. 'Why did you have to kiss him, Cheryl? Even now everyone's still talking about you two, there are pictures of you all over the place, everyone thinks you're together and you've not done anything to deny it. I was ready to wait as long as you needed to go public but now it's like I don't exist. It's like I never did. D'you know what yesterday's paper called me? A friend who's encouraged you to share your new relationship with the public. That's how they've explained me away.'
'What're you readin' the papers for if it's just makin' you more upset with us?'
'Will you just go, please?'
'I don't want you to go tonight without us talkin' properly. No matter what you think I love you and I'm not lettin' us end. I'm not gonna let you go, you mean so much more to us than that.'
'It hasn't felt like it.' I muttered.