Kunikidazai Oneshots

The Guilt Complex Strikes Again

(A/N: I regret to inform you that I must add an angst warning to the upcoming oneshot, for it's going to get sad. For those of you who have read The Forgetful Kunikida, which was my first fanfic, this will be a sad callback to a certain chapter in it. I hope y'all enjoy)

In a shocking turn of events, Dazai actually showed up to work for once. He figured that Kunikida would be proud, and naturally, Dazai wanted to make Kunikida proud. He wanted to see Kunikida smile when Dazai walked in, not only because Dazai finally showed up to work on time, but because they got to see each other even more than they already did.

Or at least that was the plan.

But alas, things don't always go according to plan.

Upon entering the agency's headquarters, Dazai quickly realized that Kunikida was not only not at his desk doing paperwork like he usually was, but he was nowhere to be found. This was too strange. Since when did Kunikida of all people skip work? Dazai began to look around. Naturally, he was worried since this was way too out of the ordinary.

Forget it. Dazai would have to make Kunikida proud by showing up to work some other day. Kunikida wasn't at work anyway, so Dazai didn't feel like making an effort this time. He concluded that his most urgent mission was to locate his quite possibly missing boyfriend.

The boyfriend in question was currently at home, trying to fight the thoughts that currently plagued him. Today was undoubtedly the worst day of the year for Kunikida: the anniversary of his student's death. It was that distressing event that led him to quit teaching. Sometimes he still wondered if that had truly been the best decision. It wasn't like the deceased student had been the only one Kunikida had, he had had plenty of others and there were times that he wondered if they felt betrayed by his departure despite the fact that he had explained things to them, not to mention apologized multiple times. Sure, they had told him that he should do what he thought was best for himself, but part of him felt like they were just saying that so he wouldn't feel bad. Not only did he feel guilty for not being able to save his student that had lost their life, but he also felt like he had just abandoned the rest of his students and by extension, felt guilty about that, too. They had been suffering from the death just as much as Kunikida had, and yet he still left.

Kunikida wasn't only thinking about his student (though that was his current main focus) but also of all the other people he more recently hadn't been able to save while on the job. The kid with the grenades that had killed themselves in front of him especially came to mind. That particular event had rendered him unable to join the battle the agency had been facing at the time. It was that bad. Heck, it was still that bad. Kunikida felt like every moment of his existence was consumed by guilt. He never truly stopped feeling bad about not being able to save everyone. Let it be known that it was a true curse. On one hand, he wished he could just stop feeling guilty because it was really hard to constantly be having thoughts like that. But on the other hand, part of him believed he deserved to feel that way since he couldn't save people who had every right to live. Either way, it felt like the guilt was here to stay. It rarely, if ever, left. However, it always got a hundred times worse on this specific day. Most likely because to this day, the death of Kunikida's student was the worst he'd ever experienced. Every death was bad, but this one especially stood out since Kunikida had cared so much about his student.

Kunikida then got up. It was time to visit his student's grave like he did every anniversary of their death. He walked out the door and towards the cemetery.

Before long, Kunikida reached a familiar grave, gently laid some flowers on it, and sat in front of the grave. He took a deep breath. This never got easier, even after all this time. "Hey...I know it's been awhile and I'm sorry about that. I really am. I couldn't prevent you from meeting an untimely end, and I can't even visit you in death that much, either. You must really think I'm the worst...and that's completely understandable. I deserve it...and I wish you were still here...you didn't deserve to die the way you did...you didn't deserve to die at all..." Kunikida's voice cracked and he started to tear up as he just gazed at the tombstone. Just a few short years ago, his student had been alive and well and ready to take on the world...and now here they were, permanently gone and never to return again. As unrealistic as it was, sometimes Kunikida still hoped that one day he'd wake up and find out that this was a nightmare and his student was still here. But that wasn't true, and it never would be. And that knowledge absolutely crushed Kunikida.