Sleepless Nights

It's ok to cry

Joyce looked into Hopper's eyes as she held onto both the switch and the belt. His eyes flicked from the approaching Russians, moving to hers. His gaze told her everything she needed to know.

You have to do it.

You need to save everyone.

It's ok.

As if it wasn't enough, he gave her a small nod, she closed her eyes. How could she look at him, considering what she was about to do?

She didn't want to.

She didn't want to.

She didn't want to.

But she had to.

She flipped the switches, heart breaking with every movement. There was a huge explosion, and a bright light. When she opened her eyes, it was all destroyed. All that was left of the Russians was small piles of goop. It was done. And she had done it.

Joyce's eyes wandered to where Hopper had been standing.

It should've been her.

It should've been her.

It should've been her.

Tears poured from her eyes as Murray came in. She'd killed him. She'd killed Hopper. Her best friend. Her only friend. The man she was quite possibly in love with.

Hopper shook her awake as she screamed out in her sleep. She awoke with tears running down her cheeks. She wasn't breathing properly. She was hyperventilating, he'd seen this type of thing before with El, it was the begin of a panic attack.

"Joyce, I'm right here, ok? You're safe, you're ok. I'm right here with you." He spoke to her, desperate to help her calm down. She looked at him, but her eyes were hazed, as if her mind wasn't really there. "Joyce, I need you to listen to me. I need you to look at me. I'm Hopper, Jim Hopper. I need you to focus Joyce. You're safe, you're not there, you're here, in your house." Slowly but surely, her eyes focused on him, properly. She was still crying, but her breathing was calming down now. "Can I hold you?" Joyce simply just nodded, unable to speak.

He pulled her into his lap, and held her closer than he ever had before. He ran his fingers through her hair, and she relaxed into him. He's right here. It's ok. I'm ok. I'm ok, as long as he's here. "Don't leave." Joyce muttered weakly into his chest.

"I wasn't planning on it, Joyce" Hopper responded softly. Why would she think he was going to leave? How could he even think to leave her in such a state? Unless she meant... Oh. "I'm not going anywhere, Joyce." He pulled away from her, his arms still firmly holding onto her shoulders. He looked deep into her eyes. His mind wondered back to what she was saying in her sleep. 'It should've been me.' His heart broke for her. If he had been in her position that night, he knew that he never would've been able to pull those switches. It must have been so hard for her, to ultimately make that decision, to save everyone.

"It was so hard for me, that day. I nearly didn't turn those keys. If it were just our lives on the line, I would've died with you. But I had to, because of Will, El, Jonathan, and all of them. It should've been me, Jim. I should've been the one to-"

"Joyce. I'm not dead, We're both here, we're both alive." He reassured her.

"But you could have! You nearly did for fucks sake. I did that! I nearly killed you, and you don't even give a shit!" She was so confused as to why he didn't hate her. She had basically chosen to kill him.