Chatbox thoughts

Dear X

Hey, How are you?

I am not doing so great. The mornings are fine but the nights aren't. My mental health shot downwards a few nights ago. Remember how I told you that I wrote when I was angry? Well, that wasn't entirely it. I write when I'm sad mostly. I started writing when talking to myself stopped helping.

So I was writing Wednesday night and I don't know what I need. I was hoping you might have an idea of what my next steps should be.

So I'm writing this before I gaslight myself into believing I don't need help. I'm already halfway there as it is.

So there is all of my writing. I am terrified that you are going to read this. I'm terrified that you are going to react exactly as I expect. out of love. and I don't know what to do with that. I told you about how I once held onto a dream in the back of my mind that I would cut my wrist and then Someone would fight for me and then they would talk to me and figure out what's wrong, and then It stopped. I don't know what comes after that and I suppose the thought scares me.

It's kinda sad that I would rather hold onto what is probably going to kill me, than move into the unknown

I'm not even writing this in an actual email as I planned. I wanted to reach out Wednesday but I did nothing. and then I broke down Thursday and then you weren't there Friday and I keep stopping myself.

Here's to day 5 of not saying something when I really should be.

Cheers