Daylight [Breakable Heaven #2]

8. It's up to you

Working in July should be illegal! As I leave the unbearable Seville heat behind me entering the school I wonder why I didn't decide to become a teacher for children, so I would have long summer holidays and I wouldn't have to come to work when my mind is already on vacation.

Because you hate kids, that's why, I remind myself. That seems a plausible answer.

I admit that the fact it's summer and I'm not on holiday might not the be the only reason why I'm feeling so tired and so fed up. And not the main one, either. No, my weariness, as expected, comes from the situation with Lilian, a situation that I still haven't made up my mind about. She keeps texting me, asking me to meet, and I really don' know what to do. My getaway with Rory already feels like a distant memory, and it has accomplished little for my clarity of mind. All the problems are still here, waiting for me to find a solution that I don't know where to look for. I just know I can't keep stalling. I have to make up my mind soon, but I'm afraid listening to what Lilian has to tell me would stir up feelings that I don't want to deal with anymore, Moreover, I'm scared it would somewhat affect my relationship with Rory, and this is the last thing I want.

Once again I curse my life for always being so damn complicated.

Luckily today I have a test preparation on my schedule, and the student has to practice his writing skills, which means I have two and a half hours to ponder on the situation, almost uninterrupted. Not that it helps. The more I think about it, the less I know what to do.

Just when I'm about to bang my head against the desk, making a fool of myself in front of the poor student, inspiration strikes. I'm going to make a pros-and-cons list. And not just a simple one, but I'm going to assign a score from one to three to each item so that at the end I can decide which direction to take.

I open a file and create a new table, and I start typing as the student writes his essay on violence in the media.

When I'm done, I have five pros and five cons, but the total score is eleven to nine. Not a huge difference, but maybe it's enough to finally make a decision.

I stare at the first item in the cons column. It might cause problems with Rory (3). That's my main concern. I know that Rory keeps telling me she's fine and that it's my decision whether to talk to Lilian or not, but I can't help to worry that, once I actually do, she would freak out. Rory is a jealous person, and she has trust issues, so I assume this situation can't be pleasant for her.

I should talk to her again, but this time I'm going to beg her to tell me the truth. We need to be honest with each other if we want to make it through this mess. Now that the initial shock has worn off, she needs to tell me exactly what she's thinking and what she's feeling, so I can make a decision taking her opinion and her feelings into consideration.

"Hey, wanna come over for dinner tonight?" I ask my girlfriend during our cigarette break. I don't want to freak her out by telling her we need to talk, so I beat around the bush. "I feel like we have barely spent any time together since we got back from Nerja. You could spend the night, too. If I remember correctly, we're not supposed to be at school before two, tomorrow."

"Sure. You're right, we haven't hung out that much lately. Do you remember if I have a clothing change at your place or do I have to stop home to grab something for tomorrow?"

I smile, thinking at her clothes in my apartment, at that drawer that she has already half-filled with her underwear and tops. I know it's still way too early to think about living together, but still. I love having her in my home.

The last three hours of work drag on, and when we finally leave the school together, both Rory and I are starving. Thank God Jean finished work early today, and she texted me there are plenty of leftovers waiting for us at home. If it weren't for my roommate—and now for my girlfriend—I'd never have a decent meal.

Jean sits with us while we have dinner, chatting about work, then she excuses herself and goes to her room because she has some tests to correct, and I sigh in relief. As happy as I am that my friend and my girlfriend are finally getting along, tonight I want to be alone with Rory.

"What do you want to do?" Rory asks as soon as we're done with the dishes. "Shall we watch a movie, or something?"

I shake my head. "Let's go up to the terrace and talk. Do you want something to drink?"

My girlfriend shoots me a perplexed look, but then she shrugs and starts putting together a gin&tonic, the only drink she actually enjoys. She follows me upstairs and sits down on one of the couches on the terrace, gesturing for me to join her.

"Look," I start, grabbing her hand. "I know this is the last thing we want to talk about but—"

"Lilian," she interrupts me, and sighs. "We can't keep avoiding the topic, and you can't keep avoiding her. You have to make a decision, Sash. It's time."

I am always taken aback by Rory's ability to read my mind. It's like she can see every single one of my thoughts, and she understands what I'm about to say before I even start speaking.

"I'm scared," I confess, and I lay down in front of her my pros-cons list that I printed at work.

She takes it in her hands and reads it carefully, in silence. When she's done, she puts it back down on the coffee table and sighs again.

"Sash, you don't have to worry about us," she says. "I know that's your biggest fear, I can tell, and not just by the points that you assigned to that entry. But I told you, I am fine with it. I think you have to talk, that you deserve to hear her explanation."

"I know," I bite my lip. "It's not just that, though. Lilian and I... over the years we had our arguments, and sometimes we were even about to end it, but somehow we kept going back to each other. Now, I'm not saying this is the case now, because I have no interest in getting back together with her. I want to be with you, Rory, I have no doubts about that. I just—what if we clear the air between us, and we at least save our friendship? Would you really be okay with that? Wouldn't knowing that my ex and I are friends, that we hang out when I go to Los Angeles to visit Rachel, and that we talk over the phone or text bother you?"

Rory doesn't reply immediately. She looks deep in thought, as if she didn't really take that possibility into consideration before, and now that I laid it down in front of her, she needs time to ponder.

"I don't know," she admits. "I can't tell you how I would react in that situation. I can only tell you that I trust you, and I believe you when you say you want to be with me and that you have no intention to get back together with Lilian. But Sash, you need that closure, so if that's what is stopping you, I promise you I'll try to be okay with it. And we'll cross that bridge when and if we get to it."

"So you think I should talk to her—well, hear her out, because I've got nothing to tell her?"

"It's up to you," she says. "I told you before, I can't make this decision for you. I just don't want to be in your way if that's what you want."

I take her hand in mine again. "You're not in my way. You could never be in my way. You're my girlfriend, so what I do affects you, too, and I can't not consider you in my decisions. I don't want to hurt you, Rory."

"You won't" she reassures me, squeezing my hand and smiling at me. "Do what you have to do. I'm fine whatever you decide. And if any problems arise, we'll deal with them together."

I lean in to kiss her. "You're all kinds of amazing, Rory Davila," I whisper against her lips, and she smiles before kissing me again.

Once I cross out the entry about fearing that talking to Lilian might ruin my relationship with Rory, the result becomes clear: I will meet Lilian and I will hear what she has to say. I will get the closure that has been denied to me for so long, and then I'll finally move on with my life.