Suicide Notes, Quotes, & Poetry

obsession (writing)

her gorgeous body glistened in the moonlight

she knew she wasn't the only girl,
nor was she his favorite.

but he wasn't hers either.

she missed the way he would call her beautiful, the way he told her "i love you" every night and morning, how he would buy her little gifts, how they were both to shy to hold a conversation. she missed starting at him from across the classroom, how they would make eye-contact and both look away blushing. she missed talking to him every night, pretending she was mad so he would apologize and tell her he loves her. she missed his voice, how he would say her name over and over when she would ignore him. she missed how he would only save her chats and she would only save his, it was their thing. she missed the time when he would ask what she saw in him, she missed the time when he wrote her a long paragraph about when they first started talking, about the feeling they use to have. she missed typing out toxic paragraphs and deleting them because she would never want him to feel how he had made her feel. she missed when they would call and she would force her voice higher so he'd like her more.

whenever he'd complement something about her she'd make sure it stayed that way. her hair was naturally curly, "you looked really pretty today with your hair straight." she would straighten it every day, damaging her hair. "i like that shirt on you." she wore it whenever she could. "why are you so loud." she spoke soft, to soft. "why are you so quiet." she stopped speaking to him. "why don't you talk to me more." she spoke to him often, to often. "stop blowing up my phone." she would only text once a week. "im dating ___ again."

that one crushed her.

she would change everything about herself if he would give her another chance. she would do anything for him back. now, he ignores her calls and texts. he doesn't speak to her or even look at her in the halls. it kills her. how he acts as if they never had anything.

he was her first love.

sure, she had been with other guys, and other girls. but she REALLY fell for him. she spent her entire first year in middle school talking to him. they never were together, but she would reject any guy or girl that would try and talk to her. she only wanted him. he lost interest quickly when he noticed they wernt getting anywhere, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't let him go. she held onto him as long as she could, people caught on. she was called a homewrecker, bashed by his girlfriend and her friends; she knew she was technically in the wrong. but the thing is, she tried. she really REALLY tried. she wanted to let him go. she wanted nothing more than to move on. it kept her up all day and night, it made her fall behind in her classes, skip more often, fake sickness to stay home because she couldn't stand the sight of him, or the two together. his girlfriend would give her dirty looks and bump into her in the halls. she felt terrible, she wanted to blame him, she wanted to blame his girlfriend, but it was her fault. why couldn't she just let him go? she would skip class in her favorite teachers room while she didn't have a class, she would ball up on the floor behind chairs and cry. he was just a dumb middle school boy, why was she so attached? He wasn't even all that good looking.

she could have anyone she wanted, but she wanted him, and only him.

now, she looks for him in every guy she meets, any guy that looks remotely similar to him. any guy that will give her the same attention he did. but they're not him. they don't even come close. she cries herself to sleep thinking of him, she carves his name into her thigh, she carves their initials into her wrists, she never misses any of his posts, when he posts a story of another girl, her stomach drops, tears fill her eyes, and she finds herself scrolling through his following. the girls are nothing like her. she would change anything and everything to make him love her again; and she tried to. she lost weight, took care of her skin, changed her style, got better at makeup, listend to the music he liked, watched the shows he was into, and more. it was never enough. SHE was never enough.

he ruins every relationship she's tries to get into. she tried to destract herself with many guys throughout the summer. they never compared. she could've had something good with one of them, but her love for him ruined it. she will never truly be over him. he may have fallen first but she fell a million times harder. she knows he's over her, that she doesn't stand a chance. yet she can't help but hope; that maybe, just maybe, he would fall for her again. that maybe he would realize that she's all he needs, that she's the perfect girl for him.

but until that time comes, she will wait.
she'd wait a thousand years if that's what it took.

she cries herself to sleep at night reading through their old messages, thinking, "why, why did i have to ruin it. maybe there's still hope." she prays. she stares at him in the hallways, sometimes he looks back. at least she thinks he does. in all reality, she knows they're gone. that they will never be. yet she can't get him out of her mind. she can't stop loving him. she's tried for over a year now. why? why did he make her fall in love? he knew they would never be anything other than friends. she couldn't help but wonder if he was toying with her the whole time. i mean, the girls he'd been with were gorgeous; and she was the exact opposite. she looked nothing like them. she didn't dress like them, talk like them, have the same humor as them, do her makeup like them. and maybe, some guys like girls that are different, but guys like him, they have a type, and she knew that she wasn't it.