Chapter 28
Great Love
raeminiscence | #WDLFUwp
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I have never felt so lost in my life.
After all of my aspirations and passions, I never grew tired of chasing after it. Malinaw ang vision ko sa kung ano ang dapat kong habulin. Nilista ko na lahat ng dapat kong maabot pati na rin kung paano ko dapat maabot ang mga 'yun sa likod ng talambuhay ko.
Being so driven by my career choices, I forgot I put my relationships on the line.
I risked people along the way. I shut my gates too soon and shoved people at the back, then completely threw them out of my life like they never got involved with me.
The moment I finally had someone to figure out life with and sort out its drastic parts, I knew I was never going to get any luckier even though I barely believed in it most of my life. That's ironically comical, wasn't it? Aside from Darcey, Maddox was the only one who made me think people are made for each other, made to be found by the right people despite the time.
Kumapit ako nang napakahigpit doon. Kahit ano mang mangyari, kasama ko si Maddox kaya okay lang 'yun. When the negative air dissolved, I had Maddox's light anticipating to meet me at the front of everything. I had my years of comfort and relief hanging on to that thought.
Was it reasonable for me to throw four years down the drain? As simple as that?
I must have been mad. And insane. Maddeningly insane. Or maybe insanely mad.
But whatever it was, my heart told me I trod the right path. Kahit na tanggihin ko nang tanggihin 'to, deep inside alam ko na gagawin ko 'to.
It felt wrong but I had the need to do it.
Noong nag-usap kami kagabi na magkita kami ngayon, may maliit na boses sa utak kong nagsabing ito na 'yung panahon na 'yun, na gawin ko na. I weighed down every ounce of thought. Bawat oras na natitira bago kami makapagkita ulit, ginugol ko 'yun sa pag-iisip at pagpapaplano ng kung anong gagawin ko. It was already reckless of me to think about breaking up with him, yet it would be more reckless of me to go to him without anything beforehand.
However, despite my preparation, no time would ever be the right time for me to do this...
I wouldn't exempt us from the pain, I would be prolonging it for us instead.
Nag-text siya sa'kin na hindi niya nakalimutang magkikita kami ngayon. May ilang minuto pa naman siya bago 'yung napag-usapan naming oras. Kahit na pinayagan na sila ni Miss Kyr na hindi na mag-practice ngayon dahil sa pakiusap ni Maddox, may mga kinailangan silang puntahan ngayon na hindi na maiuusod pa sa ibang dates.
When Maddox called to tell me all about this, I figured early in the call he was overly explaining and compensating. Pansing pansin sa boses niya na nagpa-panic siya noong nagkausap na kami. I didn't talk much not because of calmness but because of familiarity with the sequence of events.
Magmula noong tumawag na siya sa'kin, alam ko na kung saan pupunta 'yung usapan namin.
He told me in our call that he'd be here by four but it's already an hour past that.
He was late... Again.
I couldn't keep on holding on to lax promises. It was nothing but one disappointment after another. As much as I'd been patient, the fine line separating me from it was washed away with the waves and the sand.
Hinabol niya sa text na may fitting sila ngayon—kung para saan man 'yun—at patapos na sila pero hindi na ako tumugon doon. Sumisid na lang ako pailalim sa karagatan ng mga iniisip ko.
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