Counting on you (Suicidal Ash)

Stay but Go

It surprised me to see sister Joy coming towards me, tho one can hardly speak of walking. This woman was running towards me and the look on her face was the exact expression I didn't wanted to see.

Sister Joy: Ash... Finally I found you.

Me: Sister Joy?

Sister Joy: You can't just leave like this Ash.

Me: I am sorry.

Sister Joy: Where were you even heading without anything?

I can't tell her that I was about to go and search for a way to offer myself.

I mean... She will stop me.

I wonder why Greninja is here tho.

Me: A way to get back home.

Greninja: Greninja!

Sister Joy: Thanks for stopping him for me Greninja.

Now looking at the Greninja, I saw it once again. His eyes were analysing my ever move and under them I felt as if someone was looking right into my soul.

Me:...

Sister Joy: Now come on. Let's get you back kid.

Me: I am really fine.

Sister Joy: I highly doubt that besides you haven't eaten anything yet.

Me: Thanks for everything but I am really not hungry.

Sister Joy: You have to try and eat something kay?

Me: Mh.

Sister Joy: Alright, let's get back.

To be honest the pure thought of eating something made me sick. I didn't needed or wanted to eat anything at all. However I also couldn't be rude to her at all. She after all took her time off her work to help me. It is a waste but I couldn't be rude to her.

So in the end the 3 of us went back to the pokemon center where she put me and Greninja back in the same room I just left a couple of minutes ago.

Me: How did you even find me?

Greninja: Ninja, Greninja, ja!

Why am I even asking him?

Did I really expect an answer?

This is useless...

I can't tell him that tho.

I mean he somehow found me and got me back... What a waste of effort.

Greninja: Greninja!

I was starting once again to slither down into a dark and deep hole called depression but the sound of that pokemon, my old one made me snap out and look at him.

Me: What's up?

Greninja: Ninja?

He pointed at my shoulder which only made me cringe. There was once Pikachu's place and it was obvious what he wanted to ask but the thing was. All this time, I avoided thinking about the good times after what happened. I even forgot that I was wearing Pikachu on my shoulder or that he was usually there like a dead accessory of some sort. The more I thought about it, the more  I hated the thought of it.

Me: Oh, he is gone.

He deserves soo much more.

How could I be so foolish as to stick around and carry hin around for all this time?

He certainly put up a lot if my dumb shit.

I can't believe I was wearing him like clothes around my neck.

Looks like I did more than just mistreated him.

Greninja: Ninja?

The next he did was point around my waistline where I usually had my pokeballs with me but to be honest, that was even just accessory. There were definitely better ways of carrying them around as well as keeping them save. Oh how many times did I lose one of my pokemons to team rocket? How many times did I had to go after them for my stupidity? Way too many times that was for sure. The worst thing was that I haven't even learned from it.

Me: I.. I was on my way to the Galar Region so I didn't had them with me.

Lies!

All lies!

They ditched me and I knew that I deserved it too.

Could I tell that to this Greninja who just saved me?

No.

Greninja: Greninja! Greninja!

Yeah there was no way he would believe me in the first place.

I mean he is bright and all.

How dumb can I be?

But I don't want to say it.

I don't want it to be true!

I had a feeling if I would say what was on my mind and what happened that things would look different. Not only that but I started to feel sad again. The sudden wave of emotion hit me way too hard and just like that I inhaled sharply and closed my eyes for a bit.

This is for the better!

Don't even think about it.

They did the only logical thing after all.

Yeah...

I deserve this.

While I tried my best to wash away the feeling if sadness this emptiness was creeping up at me again. However all of the sudden I felt a hand on my shoulder or should I say paw. It was Greninja who wanted something from me. Be it to get me back or reassurance whatever it was I couldn't tell it.

Greninja: Greninja. Ninja-ja!

Me: Thanks buddy.

Greninja: Ninja?

He looked at me as if he wanted to know more. I couldn't tell him a reason. It felt wrong betraying the ideas of his image of my team since he asked where they were. Maybe he wanted to know if they were with me? Maybe he wanted to know if I got rid of them or tortured them? Maybe just maybe he believed that they would stick with me forever. Who knows what was going on in his mind.

Me: I-

I was anted to answer him but it was at this moment that Sister Jiy came into the room with something light and some berries for Greninja.

Sister Joy: I know it can be hard to stomach this after seeing how long you were unconscious but please try to eat as much as you can.

Me: Sorry but how long was I out?

Sister Joy: I don't know how long you were out there in the ocean but you were here for the past 2 weeks.

2 weeks!

I.. I can't believe I troubled her soo much.

This can't go on any further!

I won't let this go any further!

She has soo much work to do and now she has to watch over me too?

No.

I am just a watse of space in here.

There are soo many trainers which need this room more importantly than me.

I can't inconvenience her too.

I just want to get out of here and be gone.

I will find a way tonight.

If I can't walk out, I should be able to sneak out...

Maybe there is something I can use to end it.

My heart felt heavy, as it was filled with sadness and loneliness. Was there really a place for me in this world to begin with? Oh I doubted that very much.