Two years and 9.5 months later . . .
These lyrics were amazing . . . and so familiar. It was the rock and roll version of a comfortable old blanket.
He looked so happy.
The crowd absolutely adored all of them.
And it was all way too much.
I turned toward Lexi and Sam, who thought they had dragged me here, and told them that I had to use the bathroom. They were too busy jamming and screaming to do anything but nod so I pushed off through the masses of crazy fan girls.
This had not been one of my most well thought out decisions - to buy tickets to attend a LiveSOS concert.
Frickin' SOS... sauce crap, I thought to myself. They'd become a fad. People thought they were another boy band. And I was beyond happy for them. I wanted to make fun of them endlessly, but I was happy for them.
The happiness made me sick to my stomach. I had no right to be happy for them. The happiness was soured in my stomach as it mixed with the memories of sadness and the regret.
The November after that summer I'd left...they'd been discovered and released their first single - Out of My Limit. Even numb and broken as I'd been, it had only taken a few weeks for me to break down and listen to it.
It had been so long now...so long since I'd seen him, any of them.
There was a large part of me that really believed coming along, being convinced to come along had been a big mistake. I wasn't ready to see him, see any of them in person.
But another part of me was more excited than that crowd of crazed teenage girls could ever be.
He really did it...I am so proud of him - of them, I thought. And genuinely I was so proud and excited to see them touring and giving concerts to people of their released and widely popular album!
Still, it was overwhelming and hurtful to be near him after so long. I hated myself for putting him through that, even for his own good. I hated what it felt like to have him absent from my life for two full years.
And nine months, I thought, and a few weeks. I knew it was obsessive to know nearly exactly how much time had passed since I'd seen him, since he'd sent his last letter - one year, four months, three days give or take a day or two.
It wasn't that I was consciously keeping track of these things, but I knew. Every day I marked over that next box on my calendar, I was keeping some subconscious tally.
And I had other things to keep track of for the record!
My life wasn't all doom and gloom any longer. For the most part, I had gotten my life back to a semblance of happiness.
I worked at the music shop every day, I gave lessons in lots of different instruments and I was commuting to Cornell on a full scholarship studying Global Communications and Economics. At the moment, I was treating it like pre law and was working on a Criminal Justice minor.
None of it made me feel less empty...but it kept me busy enough to almost be able to ignore it.
We'd gotten out for a late spring break after Easter just a day ago.
A few of the girls I hung out with were taking advantage of the break to travel to NYC for this concert. I'd say that it took lots of convincing from them to get me to come, but it hadn't. Even when I had a test that kept me there a day after they left, I found myself saying I would drive out to meet them.
What's wrong with me?? I thought, feeling very fuzzy headed.
I went to a refreshment booth and bought a soothing soda to sip on. Knowing my friends would be occupied enough with the show, I wandered down the mostly empty show hall corridor closer to the stage.
This was the Rangers stadium most days.
We'd gotten decent seats - lower bowl. I could see the performance continuing through the periodic openings to the stadium seats. There were plenty of other people milling about - mostly dads - getting refreshments and lingering out of the chaos.
A girl walked past me quickly, obviously rushing to get back to her seat.
There was no missing the pictures of my old friends plastered across her chest.
I wondered dryly if I had entered some kind of alternate universe.
I thought I had been dreaming when I heard their band name on the radio so long ago - 5 Seconds of Summer. The name had always been fitting given how they'd come into their own in those summer seconds at camp... The news about their big hit was still so unbelievable in and of itself and then touring with One Direction? Forget about it!
But sure enough, I was here....at their concert a year after hearing about that 1D tour.
They were famous in their own right now, I mean people loved them. Scratch that, people went nuts for them.
Finding an empty bench, I sat for a moment, thinking, holding back the tears at my thoughts. Even though they were all positive thoughts, I couldn't help but be slightly dragged back to that dark part of my life.
There was so much damage and darkness that I had to keep down and contained all the time - the memories of what it had all done to Ash being just a small fraction.
But part of me had thought that maybe being close to him would ease some of that pain. I could put some of my guilt to rest and think of happier times.
And those happier times were indeed playing like a loop in my head, but they all looked warped, twisted by knowing how it all ended.
Maybe I was wrong to think being so close to him would be a good idea.
"Hold it together Caroline! You've pulled yourself through death of a loved one, AP Euro, and a real college party, you can handle a damn boy band concert with a fake smile," I whisper yelled to myself.
I stood and kept wandering, trying to shake off the old feelings from that last summer with them all.
I glanced to the side and stopped.
There was a door that blended into the wall almost completely that read in big bold letters 'LOCKER ROOM STAFF ONLY'.
I raised my eyebrows, you'd think this door would be crawling with little teenage fans trying to get backstage and attack the boys with their screams and body glitter.
It's probably locked, so no one would bother with it, I reasoned, Or no one has the common sense to realize the locker rooms would be the backstage here. Without thinking about it, I found myself walking over and trying the handle.
The handle turned and the door opened.
Again I was surprised.
There was a stairwell leading down to what I could only assume was the locker rooms being used for backstage.
Or they could be in the other locker rooms so this just leads to an empty room, I argued with myself.
Again, my feet seemed to have a mind of their own and I stepped through the doorway into the stairwell. When the door shut behind me, I immediately thought better of my actions and decided to turn back.
