He - A Monsta X Story

thirty-seven.

I'm not sure what waits for me when I go home. I asked Hyungwon to take the kids to Jooheon's for when he came to pick me up. The one thing my therapist told me I had to learn was how to not shut him out. Although he himself is a traumatic memory for me, he's also my person. She helped me make a pros and cons list of everyone who had potential to be my person and he won by a landslide. Jooheon? Pros, he's always defended me and held me accountable for when I was wrong. Cons, he struggles from things he won't talk about and is learning to be like the old me. I can't have old me counseling new me. Minhyuk? Pros, he gave me my daughter and tried to put my heart back together after losing Hyungwon. Cons, he almost intentionally fucking killed me because I'm trans. Changkyun? Pros, he protected me when he could in school. Cons, he probably gave Minhyuk to idea to kill me. Or at least hurt me really badly.

Hyungwon though? Pros, he cherishes me, he's a wonderful father, he gave me my son, he gave me a new lease on life, he killed for me, he brought my best friend back even though that best friend grew to hate me, he protects me without a second thought to what that means for him. Cons, he faked his death, he's a recovering addict and he could relapse, he also almost killed me unintentionally. It took quite a bit of arguing between me and my therapist to even think anyone else had my back more than me. But that's what got me in the psych ward. Carrying all my hurt myself.

When I saw Hyungwon, I burst into tears as I began running up to him, longing for his embrace. He held me tightly, kissing my head. "I love you," I whispered, relaxing into his arms. I had been wanting this for three days. I couldn't let myself see him, or else I'd fake it to get out of here. So I limited myself to phone calls.

He couldn't let go of me either. "I love you too, Kihyun. I'll never stop loving you." Hyungwon kissed my forehead softly as he rubbed my back.

"Thank you for loving me," I said, pulling away. "I'm ready to go now," I smiled softly as he took my hand to walk out. With my belongings in my right hand and my lover in my left, it felt like I was where I belonged.

As we got in the car, Hyungwon sighed softly. "The kiddos really miss you. Why did you want Jooheon to take them?"

I took a deep breath, looking in my lap. "I have to learn how to let you in. I felt like my first day out should be dedicated to working myself back into our life. And I don't think I could mentally handle consoling Benji and convincing him I'm not going anywhere." I knew he didn't like the sound of that sentence, but it was the truth.

"What do you mean?" He asked, taking my hand again.

It was silent for a moment as I gathered my thoughts. "I love my kids. I do not, for a moment, regret my kids. But I have been an adult for far too long and I never got my introduction to adulthood I should have. I threw myself into fatherhood and that leaves no room for me to really focus on myself. I just wanted to focus on myself today. I was not going to be able to come home and immediately revert back to being Dada.I would learn nothing and go right back to acting like the world hasn't hurt me to be strong for my kids." Hyungwon nodded seeming to understand. "Your twenties are for figuring out your life, how you want it to look, growing and maturing through any trauma you had and learning to manage yourself through life's stressors. I need just one more day to do that before I become Dada again."

He nodded, kissing my hand. "Okay, baby." Hyungwon didn't let go of my hand as he pulled out of the parking spot, heading home.

When we got there, the conversation had to start. We walked into our house and it was spic and span, which tells me Hyungwon was stressed out to the max. "How have the last three days been?" I asked, hanging my jacket up. "And please don't lie to me."

Hyungwon sat on the couch, waiting for me to come over. "I did something not that great," he admitted, guilt dripping from his voice.

"That being?" I asked, sitting down next to him.

It was his turn to be silent. "I smoked actual weed," he sighed softly after a while. "It was only the first night you were gone. I may have also called Changkyun to make sure I wasn't alone."

I was upset, sure, but I didn't want to show it inappropriately. "I know I added a lot of extra stress to you. I know that getting high is your escape. I am glad you didn't get high alone, in case anything went wrong. But I am disappointed that you did. I never want you risking your sobriety for me." That felt fair enough, right?

"I understand," Hyungwon said, turning to face me. "I just got weak. And for once, it didn't help me feel better. So I really don't want to do that again." I nodded, satisfied with that. "What did you talk about in therapy?" He asked.

I turned to face him as well, looking deep into his eyes. "Being hyper independent and how it's because I learned that I couldn't trust. I couldn't trust my mother, her flavors of the month. I built trust with people who let me down, so I decided it would be best to build a brick wall and never trust anyone ever again. I used to think the reason I still haven't trusted you was because of you cheating on me. And that's not it. I'm built this way. But you're the only person I kept tearing my walls down for. And then you supposedly died. There was no need to keep those walls down if the one I wanted forever wasn't going to be with me. And then you came back, and now I don't know how to tear those walls down again." I took a deep breath, tears coming to my eyes. "I love you so fucking much and I want to tear that wall down for you again."

Hyungwon took my hands into his, rubbing the tops of them with his thumbs. "I know it's hard to trust. It's earned and so easy to break. It's been taken for granted for you, and no one's respected your trust and loyalty." I nodded, feeling like he was understanding it all.

"I've been carrying so much pain that little me took on. And I haven't figured out how to put it down. Men ruined me. And damn my luck to be attracted to them. There's so much of me that was broken that I never got to put back together. Splinters of wood and slivers of glass, just swept away. I have never been whole. Ever. Now, it feels like there's none of me left for me." I was lost and torn in so many directions. I needed so much from myself that I'd given to others.

He nodded, leaning back into the couch a bit, never letting go of my hands. "I want you to take a day a week to yourself. Go out and do something for you. Be by yourself. We're not in Renton anymore, we're in a safer city for you to do so. You're a man, you're viewed as a man, the likelihood that you're harassed is low. You've never let yourself experience life alone. So, while being a parent is a full time job, I still want to see you use your vacation days." He pulled me into a tight hug. "I want you to go to the park. Read a book. Go out to eat by yourself. Just spend a day a week alone. I can handle the kids alone, you'll be home for dinner. But be by yourself and enjoy yourself and what you have to offer yourself. It's okay to admit to needing a break."

I nodded, fully relaxing onto his chest. He knew what I needed and gave me permission to do so, without me having to ask. That is why Hyungwon is my person. He'd grown to know me more than I knew myself.