josh's point of view
i don't know why i agreed to help with the dance committee.
sitting in the meeting, everyone is suggesting all these creative ideas. i got nothing.
i feel bad that i can't contribute more to this part, but i'll be of much more help when it comes to setting everything up.
when i get home, it's already five. it's probably too early for dinner, but i'm starving, so i opt to go ahead and start cooking anyway.
when the food is almost done, i take out my phone and decide to text tyler. i haven't seen him outside of school in the past few days and i... miss him. i can't even bring myself to make up an excuse.
josh: hey, do you wanna come over for dinner? no worries if you already have plans.
tyler: i'd love to! be over in a sec :)
josh: door is unlocked for you, you can just come in
i put my phone down and finish up the food. he walks in a just a minute or two later, closing the door behind him.
"i always feel weird just walking into people's houses," he says, smiling a little. he adds, "thanks for inviting me over."
"don't thank me. come make yourself a plate," i say, holding one out to him.
we both make our plates at the same time, which means we're standing pretty close to each other. being in close proximity with him always makes me feel slightly nervous. i'm always worried i'll mess something up, take something too far.
i grab us both bottles of water and we sit at the table.
"so, how have you been?" he asks.
"alright. i signed up for the dance committee. are you planning on going..?"
he hesitates before answering, which makes my stomach turn.
"um, i don't know. sydney mentioned that guy i had talked to for a little bit. she said he was thinking about asking me," he says.
oh.
does this mean i've read everything completely wrong? did i do something? what am i supposed to do with this information?
"well, i mean, that's... is that a good thing?" i ask, hoping the disappointment and confusion aren't too evident in my tone.
"i dunno really. we don't want the same things, and i feel like none of the kids in my grade... get me, you know? i'm already a step ahead of them in life. but, both of my friends have dates and i want to go too, just not alone." he shrugs a little, not looking up from his food.
"you could go with him just as friends. or, um, whatever would make you happy. it's not my place to tell you what to do or anything. i know it kinda sucks to be a third wheel though. i spend a lot of time with hayley and taylor so i'm used to it at this point," i ramble a little, feeling incredibly awkward now.
i'm not really sure what i'm supposed to think or say here, but i know it would kill me to see him at the dance with someone else, whether i have the right to feel that way or not. i'll be there as a chaperone. i'll be forced to watch him laugh and flirt and dance with this person.
i see his face change, a look i can't distinguish painting his features. i must've said something wrong though, because whatever the expression is, i know he's some form of upset.
"yeah. maybe i will," he mumbles, taking another bite of his food.
we eat in a more tense silence than usual and when we're finished, i walk him to the door.
"thanks for having dinner with me and stuff," i tell him. i feel like i should be apologizing for something, but i'm still not one-hundred-percent sure what happened.
"right... and stuff." he nods, his gaze pointed to the floor.
i take his hand in mine and squeeze it. i'm not sure if it's more for me or for him.
"i'll see you tomorrow, yeah?"
tyler looks up and sighs a little, the small smile that's usually paired with pink cheeks and flustered sentences is now tinged with sadness instead.
he shakes his head. "you are a confusing man, joshua dun."
"what do you mean?"
i have a feeling i know exactly what he means, but i don't think i can be the one to admit it.
he hesitates again and i can tell he's trying to read my face, to guess what i'm thinking. he doesn't want to say it either.
"i-i mean, i guess i could be reading everything wrong, but our relationship, whatever it is, walks the tightrope between platonic and... more than that. and i know i-it's kinda complicated, but i'm just getting, like, mixed signals? i mean, i-i think? i'm not too sure about anything really, but i just feel kind of, um, embarrassed," he stutters through his words, his eyes now on our hands.
i know it was hard for him to say all that, that this is a hard conversation for both of us to have. it's awkward and sticky and we've been tiptoeing around it for awhile now.
"oh. i-i mean, well, i didn't mean to make you anxious. i just... i can't lose my job, you know..?" i stare at him, trying to read his face just as he was mine.
"i know, but... would you even... want me in that way..? like, is that even something you would want?" he asks, his voice soft and small.
can he really not tell? is he just as oblivious as i seem to be? has he been overthinking everything just as much as i have?
"tyler," i only say his name at first.
i bring my free hand up to cup his face and his eyes are wide when they look back up to mine. i take a deep breath to try and think of how to word what i need to say next.
"i'm not trying to hurt you, i promise. i just can't lose my job," i start, regret already pouring through my words. "if things were different, i would love to have that with you. you're so smart, so funny. you're the kindest, strongest, and most hardworking person i've ever met, and i know we have a lot in common," i pause again, gauging his reaction carefully. "and i think you're absolutely beautiful, tyler... i just can't. at least, not right now," i finish, finally dropping my hand from his face.
i watch as he processes everything i said and we sit in that silence for a moment before he speaks again.
"i wouldn't expect you to wait that long just for me. i-i don't want to make your life harder," is all he says, the words almost whispered as they fall from his lips.
i wish i could kiss him.
i pull him into a hug instead, my arms wrapping around him like that's where they're supposed to be. i kiss the top of his head and then step back again.
"you could never. now, you go get some rest, okay? we've both got school in the morning."
he nods, the familiar roses returning to his cheeks. "right. okay. i'll see you tomorrow."
"i'll see you tomorrow, love."
i open the door and wait until he's back inside his apartment to close it.
holy shit.
-
at work the next day, i'm looking at the calendar for the next few weeks, and i notice that tyler's birthday is thursday.
i have to get him something. but what would i even get him? does he know that i know? i bet he doesn't. it'll be a surprise, which makes this even better.
when i go into the cafeteria for lunch duty, i overhear tyler and his friends talking about doing something friday night instead of thursday, which is perfect.
rachel walks up to me and interrupts my train of thought.
"hey, josh! how are you? i saw you're on the dance committee for the twenty-third. maybe we can stand together while we chaperone, huh?" she asks, all smiles and brightly colored earrings.
"oh, hey. yeah, that'd be cool," i agree, mostly to be polite. i don't really care where i stand anyway.
but then i watch her smile brighten when she hears my answer. did she... was she asking me on a date? shit.
she continues to ramble on for most of the lunch period. i didn't realize how much she talked before now i guess, but i don't participate much in the conversation.
she's a sweet woman and i know she means well.
i'm just too distracted at the moment.
-
i call hayley as soon as i get home to tell her about tyler's birthday.
"oooh, the big one-nine, huh? let's throw him a party!"
"i don't know, i don't think he'd want a whole party or anything."
"fine, fine. do you at least know what you're going to get him?"
"no, that's partially why i was calling. i was going to ask if you would go shopping with me? we can go to dinner after, my treat."
"hell yeah. free food? i'm there."
"i'll be there in twenty."
(an: soooo it's been... addressed. kind of. and the next chapter is tyler's birthday, hehehehe. how are we feeling? i hope you're all well! spring break is next week for me so that's cool. i don't have any plans though, haha. if it's spring break soon for any of you, do you have any fun plans? <3)
