Too Many Maybe's

2012

The third semester was ending and the fourth was about to begin, but first, we had a much-needed winter break.

And this time, a shy girl and a very handsome boy decided, due to their sad circumstances, to up the benefits of being friends with sex. Nearly two years in the making.

Had the girl not been me, and madly in love with the boy, you, it might have worked out fine. But the girl was me and the boy was you.

So naturally, it all went to hell.

***

I would like to say that I remember the first night we slept together. That the build-up to it was romantic and grand. Two people meant to be, finally finding each other. That we collided into a happy ending in a night completely magical like in the movies. The truth is I don't really know what happened anymore.

Or how it happened. Or why.

All I remember is this...

We had spent the first weeks of the new year working tirelessly to finish our projects. It was due just before the winter break in late January. Somehow you and your group ended up working in the same classroom as me, Henry, and Matt most of the days. The rooms were plenty big for all of us. We wouldn't really talk though, but we'd send glances every now and then. Continue the subtle flirting that always seemed to happen when we actually saw each other in real life. Or at least that's what I felt.

It was after a few very long days and one all-nighter, my group finally finished. We handed in the paper after printing it at 5 am two days before the deadline. Henry was going on a ski trip and really wanted to finish a little early, which suited Matt and me just fine. We'd had a few fights and irritated blow-ups like you always do during stressful assignments. But nothing we couldn't shake off again. In the end, we were all pretty proud of the paper we'd written on hydrogen fuel cells. It wasn't the easiest subject and it kind of bored me. I never signed up as a chemistry major to do all that technical stuff. I preferred the biochemical classes, like you. But Henry and Matt both wanted a carrier in Chemical Engineering. So, I did the assignment they chose. I remember they were worried about my parts of the paper, thinking I was being too theoretical when going through the basic proofs. But we ended up getting complimented on those parts after which they both apologized for doubting my work.

You had gone home just before dinner the day we finished and would probably come in early the following day to continue working until the deadline. This time without me and my group to disturb you. It must have been some very long days. And I wondered if you missed having me around for your final hours. If it was you, making sure we kept working in the same classroom? Or just some coincidence? Either way, we were both pretty relieved when it was over.

And so, we made it the first short holiday of the year. And you wrote to me almost right when it started suggesting another evening at my place. Just the two of us face-to-face outside of school. I was surprised but happy you wanted that. After all, it had been a while since the first time, we 'hung out' at my place and since nothing more had happened, I figured you too were happy with just texting. Being modern-day pen-pals. Like Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.

Though they too ended up wanting more in the end.

We had also been seeing a bit more of each other lately. More smiles and secret glances. But even so, we didn't really speak or anything in school. I didn't want to push things. Press me on you like some obsessed groupie. And it was a bit exciting. Having you as my secret. Being yours in some invisible way. Even though it was just all just innocent. Life can so easily get in the way. People judge and interfere with things. By keeping you out of my real life, or most of it, and staying out of yours, I kept us safe from that.