Elegy

Elegy 1

I'm so tired of fighting this battle we call life.

I can't even put into words how much it hurts, how much everything hurts.

Sobbing on the bathroom floor over a boy who never gave a shit about me.

Sobbing because i want to stay with my mom in the place that always felt like home, not the place i call my "home" strictly because I've lived there my whole life.

Sobbing because my whole life had been a battle.

Only the strongest survive, right?

So, why am I still alive?

I mean, obviously I'm not strong. All i can do is cry at night.

Why am i still here?

That's the question burning in my mind every day for years.

"Oh yeah, I'mdoing really good!" I lie through my teeth as i prevent myself from becoming everyone else's burden.

I feel like I'm already dead.

There's nothingworth living for anymore.

Maybe i should kill myself.

NO, no. I cannot hurt my mom like that.

But wouldn't it be better for everyone?

No.. my 4 closest friends would miss me too much.

They would wonder why they weren't enough. but they're the reason i kept on going, the reason I'm alive right now, in this moment.

I wouldn't wish finding someone dead upon my worst enemy, why would i want to do that to someone?

People have engraved into my brain that suicide is selfish.

How is it selfish if you can't go to or stay at work because you're so fucking depressed that you physically cannot hold yourself together when something slightly triggering happens?

How is it selfish if you're literally hanging on by a thread and the only thing keeping you on the ground instead of in it is seeing your mom over breaks, when the time comes?

How is is selfish when other people gave me every single issue i have?

How is it selfish when you can barely get out of bed in the morning, and the only reason you do is so your father doesnt beat your ass?

How is it selfish when i wake up every day wishing i was never born because of the excruciating mental, emotional, and physical pain i experience every wake day, hour, ever living, breathing, conscious second?

How is it so selfish when i never asked to be here anyway?