Random writing excerpts

Feelings and Deciet (P)

as i sit here, typing out my little rants and vents, the little things that happen to me, I realize that, I am in fact, not okay
My mental health isn't the best, I've lied to myself and to others that I am okay
I've told them this because I made myself believe it out of fear that they would worry about me
I don't want them to be worried
but being worried is natural

Not having the best mental health is natural

but so are lies
and so with the lies, I continue
to them, to me

I use many versions of online entertainment to escape from reality, to make myself believe that it'll be alright
to lie to myself once again

and it's all because of my fear
and it's not even a reasonable fear
why am I scared of them worrying about me? about them knowing I'm not alright?

Because I lie to myself even more
I tell myself that I'll push through it
but I can't do that alone, I realize
but I tell myself that I can

I tell myself that I can get through it without anyone else's help
that I will just tell them I'm alright
I tell myself I'm alright, to hide the pains that are there

I'm sure somebody close will listen but, I refuse to talk
I refuse to be true to them
I refuse to be true to myself

and realizing this makes me feel worse
for lying and deceiving them over the past few months

they can't see into my head, my brain, my mind
which may be a good thing for the most part
but for this, it's not

I have to tell myself that I cannot be positive and cheery all the time
Positivity will not fix these problems
I look for the silver lining in everything as to not feel upset
this isn't healthy

bottling up isn't healthy
yet
I continue to
I continue to hide the horrible feelings
from both myself
and those who truly care

They don't deserve that treatment
they don't deserve to have to put up with me
I don't deserve their love, care, and affection
yet they give it to me
and in return
they get my fake happiness
the positivity I use to distract myself from the reality

it's okay to be upset 
it's okay to not be happy
it's okay to not be okay
it's okay to have a bad day/week/month/year/ whatever
it's okay to not be positive all the time

yet I lie to myself
I tell myself that it's not okay
that it's wrong to feel this way as others are worse off
but I have to remember that emotions are natural and complex
that no matter what, nobody, in any situation, is always positive and cheery
but
my brain never remembers the important stuff

maybe I should tell them all this
but I can't
because that fear that they'll stop talking to me if I show that I'm not okay
If I show them that I'm just a nasty liar, just a giant liar
they're the reason I even get a bit of happiness sometimes
I can't have them leave like that, not so suddenly
especially now that I can only talk to them online

I joke about not being okay because I want to show positivity and humor
not to only fool them, but myself as well
to make it seem as if I'm okay

and I know I keep repeating myself like a broken record but
I've bottled up the negative feelings for too long

don't do what I do
tell others when you aren't okay
when you aren't feeling the best mentally
tell those who you trust will support you and be there for you

tell them, even if you risk losing them
if they leave because of you not feeling positive and happy all the time
they never deserved you in the first place

we all deserve love
and acceptance
and if those you surround yourself with don't give those to you
you might need to find other people to surround yourself with
you'll find your people
and you'll know when you find them,  if you haven't already

I know, I'm a hypocrite
a contradiction of a human being
but I'm okay with that