not a homo; kv ✓

Chapter 37: fish.

It felt weird. The feeling in Jeongguk's chest felt weird and heavy, weighing him down on his bed due to the events that had happened the previous night. He felt sick and stupid, there was deep sense of guilt and regret inside of him since he had lost his best friend.

This time it felt as if they wouldn't get back. Their last 2 day break ended with them making out, but he knew this one wouldn't end like that.

He helplessly stared at the ceiling and sniffled. He thought hard about all the possible ways he could make it up to Taehyung from apologies to begging for forgiveness. Every single one of them were shot down by insecure thoughts he believed were logical.

Jeongguk decided not to go to school and to take a walk outside for to try and ease some anxiety. Then, he planned on trying his best to speaking to Taehyung about everything again — this time without tears and anger.

I wonder how he's doing right now, he's probably so upset. Jeongguk only felt more frustration, he couldn't bear the idea of letting Taehyung hurt without him being there to hell even though he was the reason behind it.

That hurt him more, he hated the idea of being the reason Taehyung was upset and every part of his body was screaming at him to fix it.

"Fuck," Taehyung breathed out, hunching over the toilet whilst a delicate hand was placed against his head.

"Stop crying, look how sick it's making you," Heejin softly spoke, rubbing soothing circles on the boys back, "You did the right thing, why are you still upset? You got it off your shoulders,"

"I know," Taehyung hiccuped, "But I really didn't want to lose him, it really hurts I don't know why it hurts so bad when I know he did something so wrong," he sobbed, crying harder when Heejin cradled him, "I don't know why I feel like this,"

"You two were really close friends and he suddenly ruined something that could've been cute, of course you're gonna be upset, you have the right to be," Heejin wiped the tears from his face not caring how bad Taehyung smelt of vomit.

"It's my fault too, I shouldn't have-" Taehyung stopped and shoved the girl away, gagging over the toilet again.

"Holy fuck, I don't think this is because of the crying. Did you eat something weird?" She worriedly stood up to analyse the boys room to find food leftovers or something.

Taehyung coughed before replying to the girl, "I ate some fish from work,"

"What? Was it contaminated or some shit?" Heejin walked back into the bathroom, "I'm gonna get you some medicine then, and ask if anything was wrong with the food yesterday,"

"Okay," Taehyung sniffled and flushed the toilet deciding that he felt well enough to rinse his mouth.

Jeongguk let out a short breath, stopping in front of Taehyung's work place unintentionally. He couldn't help but peek inside, he didn't go in since he didn't want Taehyung to feel as if he was being chased down and that Jeongguk was desperate to get with him again. He was desperate to fix everything, and he had no idea how to change it.

"Ouch!" A girl screamed when Jeongguk suddenly began to jog again without paying attention to where he was turning.

"Shit I'm sorry," Jeongguk backed away and gasped, "Heejin?"

"The fuck are you doing here? Stalking Taehyung? He's not working so fuck off," Heejin spat at him and pushed past only to be stopped by Jeongguk grabbing her gently.

"Is he okay?"

"Why do you care?" She stepped into the shop and angrily walked over to the counter with Jeongguk following her, "Oi, you, are you the manager?" She pointed at a man who turned around baffled.

"Did something happen to him? Why are you here?" Jeongguk worriedly asked the girl who rolled her eyes.

"He's sick, he's thrown up so many times and he can't stop crying on top of that," She snapped her head towards him, "What's with that face? I didn't know caring for him came along with the using him package,"

Jeongguk looked at her desperately, "I regret it, I want to make it-"

"Well saying that you regret it won't fix anything, and saying it to me definitely won't. If you want to make everything magically okay again you're gonna have to harder than that," She lifted the counter door and stepped towards the staff room.

Jeongguk continued to follow her regardless, he was worried that something regarding Taehyung had happened at work.

"Can I help you?" An elderly woman asked seated by a desk inside.

"My friends violently throwing up and the last thing he ate was free fish from here,"

Shit he gets really weak after throwing up. Jeongguk frowned and felt the urge to run to Taehyung to take care of him, but he knew that would make matters worse since Taehyung wouldn't want to see him.

"There was a problem with the fish yesterday but for policy reasons we cannot disclose this information-"

"Not disclose it? He's sick right now and he has every right to know why," Jeongguk stepped forward angrily.

"An email was sent out to all staff yesterday about it, maybe he should've read it first before sending you two here," The woman scoffed at the two, "It's under investigation, now please leave before I call the police,"

Jeongguk rolled his tongue against his cheek and followed the girl out. It was silent between them and just as they were about to part ways, he was stopped by the girl talking.

"You've really hurt Tae, you threw away those 10 years of friendship all because you wanted to have sex," She started off, crossing her arms and staring at the boy with a disappointed look, "So many people that were close to him have walked out in his life, you were the only one he had genuine trust in and you let some stupid hormones ruin that."

Jeongguk felt a stinging feeling in his heart, "I know. I know I'm stupid I shouldn't have done that, and I regret it."

"Then why did you do it? Why did you use him? Did it even help you figure out anything?" The girl patiently waited for an answer.

Jeongguk felt like there was something stuck in his throat the second memories of the boy began to flash in his mind. They were innocent and pure even though the past two months they had been doing the complete opposite.

One thing that stayed consistently was how throughout every cute date and kiss, Jeongguk was trying so hard to convince himself that everything was just lustful. That there wasn't a single ounce of love in their actions.

Now as he recalled the way his heart would flutter when Taehyung smiled at him or got too close, or the warm feeling in his chest when they'd cuddle after having sex, perhaps there was more than lust between them.

"I was being stupid," Jeongguk bit down on his lip, "I was so set on not being gay because I was afraid of being someone I never thought I'd be that I didn't realise that he liked me- or that what we had going on was more than just sex. I-I was just in so much denial I didn't even realise that whenever I was close to him, I'd temporarily forget about that fear and wanted to stay that way with him forever, I convinced myself I just wanted sex when-" Jeongguk sucked in a painful breath and glanced up at the sky to stop himself from tearing up.

"It was a stupid mistake. Taehyung shouldn't have continued knowing you weren't sure of your sexuality, but you shouldn't have used him as an experiment regardless of the fact whether you're sure you're gay or not. If you wanted to figure it out with someone by experimenting, you should have figured it out with someone who was willing to help! You knew that-" the girl stopped and pinched the bridge of her nose, "I don't think you should throw away that friendship, but I know that it'll take Taehyung maybe years to recover from losing trust in someone he cared for so deeply,"

"I know," Jeongguk sounded defeated, "I don't want to let him go, I want to fix everything- please can you convince him to talk to me?" He pleaded.

"No." She hastily replied, "Go by some medicine for him and take it to him now , if he talks to you then talk, I'm not helping you with anything,"

"Okay, I will,"

This book is pissing me off I hate jks character sm I just wanna end it so I can write book 2 cus 😭