How to Avoid Heartbreak in 12 Steps

For Those Who

For those who: fall too quickly, love too fiercely, and never forget.

1. When he grabs onto your jacket, that first day of winter, and asks you if you want to go grab a hot chocolate (in which the long running debate begins, because coffee is much better than boiling chocolate milk) say no. Say hell no, sprint back to your car, and leave him to stand in cold, backlit by the glow of the library and looking like a Christmas miracle.

2. Don't waste your time on someone who calls you 'my lady friend' when you meet his hockey teammates for the first time. He doesn't even act like the same boy you met at a writing workshop last month, when he's around his 'brothers'. To save yourself the trouble, tell him you're actually a lesbian, and he was just one last test run before you came out to your parents.

3. If, although the correct term should be when, he kisses you, don't let your toes curl. Even if it feels like an electric shock is travelling through your body, do not: lean into him, tug at that small curl at the nape of his neck, or groan against his mouth (although you blush profusely when he pulls away and gives you a literally breathless smile). Instead, stick your tongue so far down his throat he will be tasting you for a week. Or, better yet, follow the lead of the black widow spider and rip off his head.

4. Do not look into his eyes. Just don't.

5. Even when he teases you about the teddy bear that dutifully sits in the middle of your bed, don't tell him the story of your dad walking out on you. When he comforts you, it feels like nothing could hurt you, and obviously that theory has been proven untrue if you're reading this. Instead, suggest buying him a teddy bear, because he's going to be needing it after you dump his sorry butt.

6. When he asks for your heart, offer him your arm instead. You can live without one of those.

7. Do not let him kiss you the night of Ashley Hallstead's party. It won't just be kissing, and the bruises on your inner thighs won't go away for a week and a half. Oh, and he will apologize, but it won't be sincere. He will say something like, 'Well, you were into it at first', or 'I didn't think you actually meant to stop'. If he does say that, hope he gets attacked by rabid squirrels and they go straight for the baby maker.

8. You will think about it a lot. Now, whenever he touches you, your stomach roils and you can't breathe. You were a virgin. If he ever even attempts to put his hands/ any other body part down your pants, threaten to cut off all of his fingers. And/or, in the case of the 'any other body part' clause, his slightly-smaller than average penis.

9. When he avoids you around school (which is actually very hard to do considering you have six classes together), make yourself bigger, taller. Make your presence command the entire room's attention, and give him the finger. Make yourself confident again.

10. He won't break up with you. Not officially. It will be a text message of epically lame proportions in which he uses the line 'It isn't you, it's me', about four times. Remind him of what he did to you, and tell him you'll see him in court.

11. Don't actually take it to court. Unless you want to. But tell your mom. Lay your head on her chest like you used to, when you were younger, and sob until you can't breathe. She will make you tea, and scratch your back, and listen to the sound of your heartbreaking while seemingly holding it all together.

12. When he pulls you away from the sea of teeming students in the hallway, and tells you he misses you, tell him to shove a cactus up his ass. Side note: don't let yourself flinch when he reaches up to push some of your unruly hair out of your eyes.

13. Additional Step:

Even when it feels like being run over by a flatbed will be less painful than seeing him with that freshman girl clinging to his arm, remember: he broke you, and now you are stuck picking up the pieces. Find new interests, new friends, but whatever you do, do not find yourself back with him.