There was silence between them. They had been quiet for some moments until Namjoon took the first initiative.
"Hyung, about that day; what you said—"
"I don't expect an answer, Joon-ah," Yoongi interrupted him, his face gentle and tone gentler and Namjoon felt his heart squeeze painfully in his chest. "It's stupid to expect an answer-"
"No, it's not—"
"It is, though. I thought it would be easier if I just confessed but I… I didn't realize I was putting it all on you, I was expecting an answer from you. It's scary– this whole thing, I mean– like, one moment you know this thing about yourself all your life and then suddenly like a flipped switch you start doubting it. I'm sorry, Joon-ah. I really am."
"It was hard, I guess," Namjoon sighed out as he looked out at the river. Standing near the bridge brought back some memories, the horrible ones, especially. "It still is but that's alright." Yoongi didn't know what to say to that so Namjoon was the one who spoke up again.
"Why do you like me, anyways?" And Yoongi looked at him like he said something really dumb. "Don't get me wrong, it's not some self-deprecating thing but I'm just curious. Listen, I might be smart but we all know I have as much personality as a wet tissue paper. I'm just- I don't know, a very mid… choice?"
Yoongi stared at him for a few seconds and then chuckled a bit, looking away. "Yujin liked you, though," he said, drawing out his words lazily.
"I don't really think so," Namjoon replied. "We never really talked that much. It was very recent. We just got beaten up together and helped each other stand up after they left. We don't even know anything about each other! It's- It's kind of weird if someone likes me even without knowing much."
"Is it really?" Namjoon turned to see Yoongi staring straight ahead, not at him but at the sky, a small smile alight on his face. He then turned his face to meet his eyes, wind messing up his hair that grew a bit long. Namjoon wanted to fix his hair for him. "How much do I know about you?"
"You know a lot! You know my favourites!"
"Kalguksu, samgyeopsal, Song of Achilles, Almond, Yun Hyong-keun and Kim Whan-ki's art, Epik High, Nas, Troye Sivan, Twice, and Seventeen. And you love Black, purple and pink. This is a small part of what I know but I don't think I know enough about you. I don't think I'll ever know enough about you. I learn a new thing about you everyday and I still feel like there is a universe's worth of things left to know." He couldn't avert his eyes until he was reminded of something and his eyes widened for a second and then he averted it. "Sorry. I didn't-I couldn't- I'm really sorry—"
"It's alright," Namjoon stopped him, a bit too fast but then took a huge breath. "I guess I… kind of feel flattered. I mean, this is the first time someone, you know, liked me that way."
"Yujin liked you. Even before we talked I'd seen her stare at you. It was gross and disgusting… it was like she would've pooped heart through her eyes if she could. Some girls from other classes like you too. I've seen them ask about you from the asswipes of our class and the nurse. So many people like you." I like you. They both knew it went unsaid.
Woah, this was ridiculous. Namjoon never realized he'd talk about this to someone, much less to Yoongi, leave alone someone who likes him. Namjoon didn't want to admit it but he was kind of glad and also scared that Yoongi liked him.
Gosh! This feels unreal.
"Hyung, does your mother know that you…"
"That I like guys? No. But I'm sure she'll be disappointed if she does. We'll, I hope my father doesn't know." Yoongi chuckled before uttering the next words quietly. "He will kill me."
![ILLUSION [yoonmin] by YoongiAndHisMochi](https://img.wattpad.com/cover/267209164-80-k291178.jpg)
Namjoon stared at him for a few seconds. "Are you not afraid? What if someone knows? Ah, I hope my parents never know. They would kill both of us."
"Joon-ah," Yoongi said as he smiled, placing his hand on his dongsaeng's knee. "I used to be afraid for so long that now, it feels like the same fear doesn't even exist within me. It's okay, I've come in peace with the fact that some people will never let me breathe as long as I exist. It's just unexpected that I never found that issue with you. I don't think I've ever felt more free than when I'm with you."
"That's an exaggeration."
"Yah! Why would I lie?"
"When did I say you were lying? I'm saying you're being dramatic," Namjoon said, smiling a little. The older male shoved him lightly. "Careful, I have a reputation."
"I can destroy your reputation the second I tell everyone how much of a sap you are."
"I'm not a sap!"
"And if I record this and release it online, then what?"
"I swear, I'm gonna drop you on some random alley without your phone."
Both continued bickering, lightening the atmosphere and very soon the confession and rejection was momentarily forgotten. Finally when it was time to go home, Yoongi dropped him back near his house. Just as Yoongi turned to leave, Namjoon spoke up.
"Hyung, can we meet up at your house this Sunday?" Yoongi turned around to look at Namjoon smiling.
"My house?"
"Yes, if you don't mind. The exams are coming up and we can revise the subjects together. Eomma and Appa know that I go to the library on Mondays."
Yoongi felt the overwhelming urge to smile but for the first time, he didn't try suppressing it in any way and Namjoon couldn't help but think how beautiful his hyung looked when he smiled this way; untamed and unsuppressed, gums out. Yoongi's hair was growing long too and under the streetlights, Namjoon wanted to kiss him.
As soon as the thought came, Namjoon's heart stopped. "Hyung–"
"Yes. And don't have breakfast. I'll make something for us. And take care of those wounds, okay?" Maybe it was the thrill of the younger one coming over at his, Yoongi couldn't stop himself from going ahead and giving Namjoon a hug and turning away immediately to leave with a renewed energy. Hands in his pockets and a bounce on his steps, he walked away and then finally drove away from the neighborhood.
Namjoon stood there for a few seconds, wondering what happened to his heart until he finally clutched his bag and headed to his house. As he entered the house, he saw his father typing something on his laptop and barely acknowledged his presence.
"Freshen up and prepare for the exam. Don't waste a second on anything useless. And don't eat the full dinner or you'll fall asleep early." While Minjun said this, he never looked up from the screen so all Namjoon did was nod and walk away.
His mother was talking to someone on the phone when Namjoon walked past her to get a glass of water. He didn't hear her hanging up but felt her presence when he was filling up his glass. "Namjoon." Namjoon turned around almost immediately.
Han Sohyun was a self-made businesswoman who made her "husband's" company what it is today. Throughout the years, she had been called many things. The people of her company called her many names like prude, bitch, slut, whore, uptight, and try-hard for how she ran her business and managed her employees. The insults neither penetrated her lavish office with glass walls nor her steel strong resolve. She knew she was the reason her company was standing and thriving even though she was arranged to marry some broke, lazy, man child who couldn't bother to put a percent of effort she did throughout the years. She knew she was rich, powerful and successful; everything she ever dreamed of, growing up.
However, nothing kept her ready when she saw bruises, wounds and swelling over her son's face, and blood and dirt on his shirt. Nothing kept her ready for the overwhelming guilt, helplessness and anger that surged up inside her. Her finger gently touched his swollen red cheek.
It was just one touch of care and Namjoon wanted to crumble. He wanted to cry and wanted her to hold him like when he was seven. There was a lump on his throat that grew more and more painful by each second. Her fingers trailed up to his eyes where the bruises were. Namjoon finally looked at her face, for the first time after so long. Underneath the fading make up, she looked dull, soulless and exhausted.
"Who did this, Joonie?"
5 years. Namjoon counted. After five years he was hearing this from his mother for the first time ever. The lump gripped his throat, more painful than ever. "Eomma," he croaked out. "Would you believe me if I said his name?"
Sohyun tucked a stray strand of hair behind his ear. "Why wouldn't I? I'm listening right now."
Namjoon gave a watery chuckle, eyes filling up. "Really? You never stayed back long enough to listen." He saw her face start to crumble and a part of him was happy to see her that way.
He loved his mother but the days when he liked her were long gone.
"It's the hyung that called me his dongsaeng. It's the hyung I followed everywhere and listened to like a puppy. He's someone I despise now. But what's the use? Us living and thriving depends on his father's word. It's not like you will or can do anything."
"Namjoon–"
"You never did anything. It's been happening to me for so long but you're asking me today who it is when I had to stand right in front of your eyes. You never really stayed back and looked at me if it wasn't for those formal parties. You haven't asked me how my day was for years. Half of the days I didn't eat breakfast, lunch or even dinner and you never noticed." Namjoon laughed, the situation was becoming ridiculous. "Eomma, you used to be my role model but now, everyday I hope I don't become you. I don't even consider your husband my father anymore and maybe, I was forgetting that you're my mother too. You never cared for me, and now I don't want you to." Because I want you to feel every little ounce of guilt and regret for as long as you live.
Namjoon drank the water in his glass and walked past her but stopped just before he left the kitchen.
"I hope all your money was worth it."
That day for the first time in her life, Sohyun felt something in her break that would never be fixed; not by money, not by any forgiveness.
_________________________________________
Sorry for the late update but I'm kind of in a writer's block but also working simultaneously on 4 other fics and I'm tired lol.
YOONGI IN HIS REAL ELEMENT IS MY NEW RELIGION AND I'M BUILDING HIS SHRINE GDJSJEJEJE
"DON'T EVER SAY LOVE ME" COLDE FT. RM IS MY NEW PERSONALITY. All of Namjoon's collabs are so queer-coded and I'm breathing for it. Beautiful. Masterpiece. Both their voices in this song was like blood in system.
