The bell above the door chimes and I look up, it's not him. Just another customer. Damn where is he? His drink is going to go cold before he even gets here, and that freaken thing was expensive. Only my friends would drink something this obnoxious. I cup my hands firmly around my own mug, trying to absorb the heat from it as my frozen fingers grip the porcelain. The little cafe was heated but even still, the autumn chill was more than enough to warrant cracking out the old, knitted gear. I hover over my hot chocolate, the smell wafting up my nostrils and the steam rising up to my chin; when the bell chimes again. Finally. Alex comes bounding in waving his arm, as if I couldn't see him through the crowd of three people. Before pulling out the seat adjacent from me and plotting himself down.
"Bruuuh it's a cold one out there today, isn't it?" He says unravelling his scarf from around his neck and placing it on the table next to his fingerless gloves.
"Ummm. I murmur back, picking up and sipping my hot choccy. The feel of the hot liquid flowing down my throat and instantly warming my entire midsection.
"Is this mine?" He points down to the drink directly in front of him and I can't help but give him a look of 'really dingbat?' No one else in their right mind would drink that.
"Yesss," I sigh. "Do you know how ridiculous I feel ordering that for you? It never gets any better. A soy chai latte, three pumps caramel, 2 pumps hazelnut and a cinnamon stick."
"But the taste is 100% worth it!" Alex grins picking up his monstrosity and blowing the steam from the froth. "Now tell me missy, how have you been? I haven't seen you in what, like, two- and a-bit weeks?"
"I just saw you in class!" I rebut. "And on Tuesday night."
"Ooh I'm sorry, for all of what...like three seconds? School doesn't count anymore when your too busy with your nose in your phone to even look up, let alone eat lunch with me anymore. As for Tuesday night, spare me the insult of considering gathering more clothes for your new home an interaction, please. Jack and I have barely seen you in 3 months! Not since you and Leo got serious anyways."
He was right of course, but he didn't have to be so flippant about it, or condescending. I hadn't meant to fade him out, honestly. It had just kinda...happened. The last few months had been a whirlwind of nonstop pleasure, intimacy and emotions like I'd never experienced before, and I had become swept up in it. Completely and voluntarily. I knew I had let my friendships slip, all of them; and I could see by the look on Alex's face it was hurting him more than he was willing to admit. But the craving, the sheer need Leo had created within me to be constantly in his presence, overtook any guilt I may have once felt in such a situation. I sip my drink and stare into the froth, watching it form little pictures on the surface that I try to decipher. Like clouds that move through the sky I watch in wonder, as Alex reposts the question.
"Soo?"
"I've been fine."
"Fine. Really? That's all I get. Come on Lizzy. I've known you for how many fucking years and you're going to go with fine?"
"Okay...really fine."
Alex slams his mug down, the liquid sloshing out and spilling over the table. The suddenness of the act makes me jump. I wasn't expecting such a violent response. "Okay chill."
"No Liz I will not 'chill'. First time I hear from you in weeks! My best friend and you're dicking me around. We use to talk about everything! There wasn't a single thing that happened in your life I didn't know, and now...now I feel like I don't know anything. Like I don't know you at all, and it sucks Lizzy! It's shit. I thought maybe, maybe if you were asking me here today you actually wanted my guidance or help or even just to fucking gossip like we use to, but I guess not. I get that relationships change, and friendships change. Okay cool, I accept that, but please babes, don't cut me out completely. You promised you wouldn't."
By the time he's finished every patron in the cafe is staring at me and him, wildly breathing and horribly worked up. His little outburst capturing everyone's attention. I sip my chocolate again, pretending that the whole display had not just completely reminded me why I loved this guy, before resting it down again.
"Would you truly like to know why I asked you here today?"
"Yes, please. Thats all I ask."
"I need an option...of sorts. I can't ask Leo for obvious reasons, and all the good psychiatrists are booked for weeks."
A smile instantly dawns on Alex's face. "Oh yes darling and cost an obscene amount of money."
"An exuberant amount." We both burst into laughter at our terrible posh accents. It felt good to laugh with my friend again, even if only for a moment.
"So what did you need an opinion on?"
"Well," I say taking a deep breath in, "it's about Leo."
"Shocking."
"And my feelings for him. I'm just...I don't know. I think I'm just a little confused and overwhelmed. The last three months have been some of the best for my life. I know I haven't been around much and I'm really, truly sorry about that. I never intended to abandon you. But I have been discovering apart of myself I didn't know existed these last few months. A part that had been lying dormant all my life and has finally been awakened, ignited by Leo's passion for me. His devotion to me. He has honestly changed not only my life but who I am. I owe him everything. He has shown me a new world painted in vivid colour and laced with the scent of desire, and I want nothing more than to explore this newfound utopia with fresh eyes and an open mind. Yet there also lies the problem. As freeing as Leo's passions have made me, they have also caged me to him. As liberating as his desires have made me, they have just as ultimately trapped me. I care so deeply about him, about Leo...but I know his feelings surpass mine. He dominates harder. Fucks harder. Loves harder. And I just don't know how to match his feelings, or if it's even possible for me to do so."
Alex just sits there and stares at me for a moment. A look of bewilderment on his face, as though I had just told him he was the father of my child. "Yes...well that is a real pickle."
"Well thanks for stating the fucking obvious Sherlock. Thank goodness you're here." I roll my eyes at him and slump back into my seat.
"I just mean I can understand you needing to talk to someone. All that can't be easy to figure out on your own." He takes my hands in his across the table and I instantly feel my lips shake. The more I try to form a smile the more they quivered, as I feel the tears trying their best to break though.
"So then what would be your advice Dr. Alex?"
"I wish I had the answers for you Lizzy. Honestly, I wish I did. But no one can tell anyone else how to love. I can tell you what love feels like for me, what it looks like to me. But even if you followed everything I said, my version and yours would always be two completely different poems from the same book. I can't promise you your happily ever after Lizzy."
"You know Alex, that's extraordinarily unhelpful."
"Hey, I never promised good advice, just advice. My degree is in photography, not psychology. But if I could say one thing as an artist, it's that you two strangely complement each other in a way that's both beautiful and slightly...irregular."
I stare at him slightly bewildered. "How do you mean?"
"Well, the times I see you two together; when he brings you to class, picks you up, whatever. You two always have this...well I really don't know how to put it, this focus on one another...that kinda cancels out everything and everyone else around you."
