I stared at the notecard, my hands shaking. Everyone wanted Yamazaki dead. Well, maybe just Imamura. But... I don't think I could kill him. Even if I wanted to. I placed the notecard down, before twiddling my thumbs, trying to think.
Why would I ever kill Yamazaki? I've never had a problem with him. Or... maybe I had. My eyes went wide, as I covered my mouth with both hands. What... what about the file? The one that Yamazaki had been threatening me with? If that ever got out... no one would ever trust me again. I gulped. If... if I killed Yamazaki... then the secret would be safe... right? Sweat rolled down my face.
Was... was I seriously going to do this? My breaths became heavy. The color drained from my skin. This was horrifying. An image flashed through my head. I gasped, grabbing my head and gripping onto my hair. My breaths became thin an meaningless.
No... I wasn't going to... was I? The image flashed over, and over, and over again. I'd pushed that memory far down inside of me. I thought it had disappeared... but now... it had returned to torment me.
I looked down at my hand. My eyes went wide. Long lines of open wounds, trickling blood everywhere. No... no I was just hallucinating... there was no way this was real. Had the motive for Morita's case come back?
I took a deep breath, distracting myself. I'd already subconsciously gotten up from my bed, walking to the door. I had already grabbed the door handle. I started to panic, grabbing my wrist with my other hand. This... this was for the greater good... right? If... if I killed Yamazaki... we'd all be let out of here... right? B- but... I didn't... want to kill... anyone. But it didn't matter. I'd already subconsciously made a decision. I was going to kill Yamazaki Kazuki.
I wandered out into the hall. The first thing I would need... was going to be a weapon. If I had the gun it would be a lot easier. Even though this wasn't what I wanted to think about... my mind had already been corrupted by the motive. I started walking to the dining hall, not paying attention to see if anyone was there.
I walked inside, immediately turning to the kitchen. I felt myself moving without control. I entered, staring directly at the knife rack. I felt my hand reach out, and-
"Hello Hirano." Kajiwara said. Suddenly, it was like a pop in my head. Like I'd been snapped out of a trance. I looked to Kajiwara, who seemed to have just put his mask back on, though I didn't see him do it. On the kitchen table was a half eaten sandwich, which only continued that thought. I stared at him for a moment, almost astonished that I hadn't seen him when I walked in. "Are you nervous about the motive?"
"I- I..." I began, looking back at the knife rack. In a panic, I pulled my hand away. What... what had I even been thinking!? Kajiwara back and forth between me and the knife rack.
"Ah, I see." Kajiwara replied. I stared, as he walked over to the refrigerator. He opened it, pulling out a sandwich encased in plastic wrap. He placed it in front of my, closing the refrigerator back up. I stared at the sandwich for a moment, before slowly grabbing it off table and pulling off the plastic wrap.
"Whose is it..?" I said.
"It's mine. Otani makes me sandwiches that I can eat later on in the day. I want you to have it." Kajiwara replied. I took a small bite of it.
"Um... why don't you eat with us? You're always with us in the morning... s- so why don't you eat then?" I asked.
"I'm not a big fan of the germs. And my time is mostly focused on keeping Sugai in check." Kajiwara responded.
"Speaking of Sugai... where is he?" I replied.
"Well... I'm not quite sure. Last I checked he went into his room. Most likely to check his target." He explained.
"Um, do you know your target?" I responded. Kajiwara nodded.
"I suppose you know too..." he said. I looked away in shame. What had gone through my head? He sighed, moving in closer. "I won't stop you if this is what you wish to do. But, just so you know, that whatever you decide to do will affect your life forever, and you cannot undo it. It will be a burden that you will never forget. If that is what you wish to do, go ahead. And I trust that you will make the right decision." Kajiwara said. I stared at him for a moment, before looking back at the sandwich in my hand. My grip tightened around it, a pitiful feeling coming over me. "Ah, I see. I would rather not die... if that is fine with you."
"No, no, it's not you..." I replied. I took a long sigh. "I- I'm really sorry... I don't know what came over me..." I said. Kajiwara stared at me for a moment.
"You know, a long time I used to act first before I used my head." He responded.
"... really?" I replied. He nodded.
"I was a very big troublemaker." He said. I paused for a moment.
"... is that why you're helping Sugai?" I asked. Kajiwara paused for a moment.
"Yes... but I'm not sure if I can help him." Kajiwara replied.
"What do you mean..?" I responded. He took a long pause.
"Well... I could... but I'm very sure that it would require years of work. These issues are some that cannot simply be solved with small bits of discipline." Kajiwara said. I nodded.
"Yeah... that makes sense." I replied. I sighed. "Hey... um... thank you for snapping me out of it..." He remained silent for a moment.
"You're welcome..." he responded. He paused, before taking a long sigh. "You know, I think I'm very disconnected from the group."
"... how so?" I asked. He looked at me.
"Well, for one, it seems like no one wants to talk to me except for when they want help dealing with Sugai." He said.
"Well, I wanna talk to you." I replied. He sighed.
"It doesn't seem like it." He responded.
"Why not?" I asked.
"I tried talking to you awhile ago. I spoke to you before a meal talking about how I wanted to chat with you, and then afterwards you never came and met me." He said. I gasped, covering my mouth.
"Oh god, I'm so sorry! I completely forgot!" I replied. He chuckled a bit.
"It's fine. You'll not the only one." He responded. "I just haven't had time to connect withe the group because of Sugai. He's pretty high maintenance." He chuckled to himself a bit.
"Oh... well..." I paused, putting a hand on his shoulder. "I promise I'll try and talk with you more. I'd love to get to know you better."
"Thanks." He said. He seemed to be smiling, but it was hard to tell because of his mask.
"Um, hey, what did you want to talk about?" I asked.
"What do you mean?" He replied.
"When you had asked me to talk with you after we finished eating... did you want to talk about?" I asked. He shrugged.
"I just wanted to have a friendly chat." He said. I sighed.
"I'm really sorry. I need to get better at talking with people. It's a big problem." I responded.
"Well, as long as you're trying to improve, than it's okay." He said. I nodded and smiled.
"Yeah." I replied.
