Maribat Oneshots - A little salt

49. Incorrect Quotes - 3

A/N: These are not mine, from the internet and other platforms, all credit goes to the owners!

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Bruce: I raised 7 perfectly functional children
Jason: You have 7 kids I don't know about?
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Robin: If we are going to succeed then we need an illogical solution.
Tim: A truly dumb idea
Everyone: *Looks at Jason*
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Marinette(grinning): This is the phone of Marinette Dupain Cheng, May I ask who's calling
Dick: Yes, this is Richard Grayson
Marinette: May I ask about your relationship with Ms Marinette and your reason for calling?
Dick: Yes, I do believe my relationship with her is holding the position of bed warmer. I was wondering if Ms Marinette needed any bed warming right now?
Marinette: *Bursts into laughter*
Dick: *Cracking up on the other side*
Marinette: Richard Grayson, I cannot believe you just said that!
Dick: Sorry Blue, I couldn't resist
Marinette:*rolls her eyes* Uh huh, Sure, next thing I know you'll tell me pigs fly.
Dick: Wellll, That depends on how hard and high you throw them.
Marinette: Richard! Shame! *laughing*
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Jason to Marinette: I want you to kill the Joker and make it seem like an accident
Marinette: Sure, Say no more.
(Later)
Batman: Looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet.
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Jason: I like your new pants
Mari: thanks, they were 50% off!
Jason: I'd like them better if they were 100% off. *winks*
Mari: The store can't just give away stuff for free
Jason: That is ... ... not what I meant
Mari: That's a terrible way to run a business Jason
Jason: ... ... ... ...
Damian: Please take me home.
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Tim: I am not love struck
Mari: Really, because a little Birdie told me that you've got dirty diary entries about Stephanie
Tim: What! He told you!!!
Mari: Nope, but you just confirmed our suspicions
Stephanie: Nice going Sherlock.
Tim: OH MY GOD!
Damian: I am not small !
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*Marinette playing 'never have I ever' with her brothers. Lukanette*

Dick:*Picks up a card and reads* Never have I ever kissed the poster of a celebrity
Jason: *About to pick up another card*
Mari: *Picks up her glass, and takes a sip*
Jason and Dick: *Struggles to contain their laughter*
Mari: Oh... shut up
Jason and Dick: *Laughs Harder*
Jason: So Sis, who'd you make out with?
Mari: we're not talking about it.
Dick: I bet it was Luka Couffaine, Jagged's son?
Mari: *Blushes Crimson Red*
Dick and Jason: *Points at her laughing*
Dick: *Falls off his chair laughing*
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Mari: *Answers the phone* Hello?
Jason: It's Jason
Mari: What'd he do this time?
Jason: No, it's me, Jason
Mari: What'd you do this time?
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Marinette: Jay, Why are there bullet holes in the bathroom
Jason: There was a cockroach
Marinette: ...And?
Jason: Then it started flying.
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Damian: Can I go to the restroom?
Dick: It's may
Damian: No, it's January
Marinette and Jason: *Gives a standing ovation*
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10 year old Marinette: *leaves a letter for santa on the table*
Bruce & Dick: *reads it to get an idea about what to get him for christmas*
Bruce: *reading*Dear Santa, I am writing to let you know that I have been naughty. And it was worth it you fat, judgemental, bastard.
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Bruce: Nothing in the world is free
Dick: Love is free
Stephanie: Friendship is free
Tim: Sleep is free
Barbara: Knowledge is free
Damian: Air us free
Marinette: Everything is free if you take it without asking
Everyone: .........
Jason: She's not wrong
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Jason: I just ended a five year relationship
Mari: OMG, Are you okay?
Jason: Yea, it wasn't my relationship.*Dick and Barbara fighting*
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Bruce: What'd you guys get in the year book?
Dick: Prettiest Smile
Tim: Most likely to be a multi billionaire
Jason: Most likely to start a bar fight
Mari: Least likely to start a bar fight but most likely to win one.
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Marinette:*Running on 2 red bulls and a coffee* You know what's creepy about Humpty Dumpty? They never said he was an egg
Tim: *Childhood flashes before his eyes* Hold up
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Damian: I'm seeing a movie with someone I like
Marinette: Oh wow really? When?
Damian: Depends when you are free
Marinette: Next Thursd- Ohhh, you are smooth
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Jason: Four months
Dick: What's he talking about?
Marinette:It's not importa-
Jason: YOU STOOD BY AND WATCHED ME WATER A FAKE PLANT FOR FOUR MONTHS?!?!?!?!?!?!
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Marinette: *Walks in*
Jason: Is that a hickey?
Marinette: What no! It's a mosquito bite.
Damian:*Walks in*
Jason: Hi MOsQuiTo
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Tim: Why are you two always out during rainstorms
Dick: It's just so peaceful and refreshing
Marinette: Jason bet me 12 dollars I couldn't get hit by lighting and he was WRONG
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Jason: I love you Mari, you are the best younger sister ever!
Marinette: What'd you do this time?
Jason: Pixie, Why would you assume I did something wrong? I am very hurt
Marinette: .... .... ....*raises an eyebrow and taps her feet*
Jason: I spray painted the batmobile hot pink and glitters and now Bruce is hunting me down! Hide Me!
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Damian: Richard, How do I get revenge on those who have forsaken me?
Jason: *Exits the room*
Dick: The best revenge is letting go Dami!
Damian: .........
Damian: Jason, how do I get-
Jason: *Walks in with a backpack with a, desert eagle, M2, AK-47, daggers, katana and a crowbar sticking out of the bag*
Jason: Already packed, let's go!
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Marinette: Don't worry, the spider is smaller than you
Tim: Well so is Damian!
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Alfred: Would you call yourself a hard worker?
Dick: Of course
Marinette: We make everything harder than it needs to be!
Alfred: Tell me about it
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Bruce: This is without a doubt, the most IRRESPONSIBLE THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE!
Batboys: *Laughs*
Marinette: Hey, Remember when we had that contest to see which one of us could get the best selfie with a villain.
Bruce: YOU DID WHAT !!!
Selena: *Waiting for Bruce to finish so that they can go on a date* Oooooohhhhhh, I remember that!
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Tim: This trip to Arkham has been 100% successful
Marinette: We lost Damian
Tim: 100% successful
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Batfam:*Running for their lives*
Tim: Ahhh!! I think I pulled a muscle
Damian: You can't pull what you don't have Drake.
Marinette: *Almost trips over, wheezing with laughter*
Jason: GUYS, YOU'RE GONNA GET MY GIRLFRIEND KILLED!!
Bruce: Whaa-
Rest of the Batboys: GIRLFRIEND!?!?
Marinette: Damn you Jason, So much for keeping it a secret.
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Tim: You can't kill me
Marinette: *Smirking* No, But I can cut off the internet connection and for you, it's the same thing.
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Jason: You could say I've fallen for you
Marinette: Jason ... ... You just rolled down, I don't even know, 3 flights of stairs? How the actual heck are you still alive
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Baby Damian: *throwing food at ducks* Do not forget this act of kindness, If I am ever in trouble I expect you and your brethren to come to my aid. Do Not Forget This!
Jason: Damian, What the heck?
Marinette: *giggles* Jay, Leave him alone
Baby Damian: Listen to my wife Todd
Jason: *Growls* SHE IS NOT YOUR WIFE, she's mine!
*Holds up her hand, showing off the ring*
Damian: *Growls and jumps on Jason*
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Jason: *Shooting rubber bullets at Tim*
Damian: *Hunting Dick with his Katana*
Dick: *Jumping over everything and anything and swinging from the ceiling lights to avoid Damian*
Cass and Duke: *sitting in the middle, while eating popcorn and protecting Marinette from stray bullets*
Bruce: *taking deep breaths while muttering* I work alone, I work alone, I work alone......------------------------------
Marinette: LET ME GO
Jason: *high and sick*LOVE ME MARINETTE
Jason: *clinging onto Marinette's legs*
Marinette: GET OUT OF MY HOU-, ARE YOU CRYING???
Damian: *recording all of it* He's yours now, also Father said be nice
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Tim: Why are you dressed in each others suits
Jason: Dick told me to dress up as the cutest thing I could think of
Marinette: Damian told me to dress up as the stupidest thing possible
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Damian: *one year old* *accidentally spills a little orange juice on the floor*
Ra's: *yells* LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!
Damian: *Stares into Ra's' eyes* *Purposefully pours the rest of his juice on the floor*
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Marinette: What're you doing?
Jason: *digging through a jar of M&M's and separating a few* Damian really likes the green ones so I am separating them.
Marinette: Aww, That's so sweet of you!
Jason: What? No! I plan on eating them all in front of him and then running.
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What gives people feelings of power:
Money: 45%
Status: 75%
I am BaTmAN: 100000%
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Jason: *recording*Jason: What does Barbara say?
Baby Marinette: *wags her finger* No No No No No
Jason: *Trying not to laugh* What does Dada say?
Baby Marinette: *tries to look intimidating* I Batman
Jason: *Eyes watering trying not to laugh* What does Dickie say?
Baby Marinette: *Strikes a ridiculous pose* I pretty
Jason: *Bursts out laughing*
Jason: What does Timmy say?
Baby Marinette: He no speak English
Jason: *Rolls on the floor laughing* What does *laugh* Dami say?
Baby Marinette: *Tries to act annoyed* -Tt-
*Dick watching*
Dick: *picks up Baby Marinette* What does jay-jay say?
Baby Marinette: *Finger guns* Blam Blam Blam
*Alfred takes Marinette*
Alfred: What does Alfred say young miss?
Baby Marinette: *folds her arms* No cookie
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Bruce: I don't think I ever made a mistake
Jason: Of course you have
Jason: Just a little one
Jason: About 4'6''
Jason: Called Damian!
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Jason: I am a confident driver
Marinette: You almost just ran over someone
Jason: Confidently.
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Marinette: You really put everything else aside and came all the way here for me? But how did you even get here so fast?
Damian: Several traffic violations
Jason: 3 counts of resisting arrest
Tim: Roughly 13 cans of energy drinks
Dick: Also, that's not our car
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Damian: *muttering to himself*
Damian: Grayson's Nightwing again
Damian: He was the only Batman I could call Dick and he'd just think I was calling him by his nickname.
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Marinette: *Sobbing* Adrien cheated on me with Lila
Jason: *hugs her* Come in, follow me.
Jason: *Opens a secret door in his basement* Take a seat
Jason: *Staring at a wall lines with guns of different types and sizes* Now tell me, on a scale of one to 10 how bad did this guy fuck up?
Marinette: ...
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*Dick, Tim and Damian walk in wearing their own altered "BAT-suit"*
Dick: Hey Bruce, looks who's all adorable and dressed up for trick or treating!
*pulls Damian in front of him*
Damian: -Tt-, I am not adorable Grayson! i Am THe NiGhT.
Tim: This was not my idea, we had a deal, I am going to the Titans tower*
Jason walks in wearing a arkham knight + batsuit outfit
*Bruce: *chokes on his drink*
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Marinette: *explaining to Dick* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Dick: That's deep
Jason: Is ketchup a smoothie or not then?
Damian: Common sense would be to not drink ketchup.
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Marinette: Hey Dami, Wanna hear a joke?
Damian: No
Marinette: Great! What has two butts and kills people?
Damian: .........
Marinette: An Ass-ass-in
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Damian: Pennyworth, I love you.
Bruce: *Chokes on air*
Dick: *Jealous screeches*
Tim: *eyeing his coffee, suspecting hallucinogens*
Jason: *Questions if he is dead again*
--1 day later--
Alfred: Master Damian you must tell your brothers of the "prank". Master Dick hasn't stopped crying for hours, and Master Bruce has been playing it repeatedly on the 98 inch flat screen.
Damian: Drake and Todd?
Alfred: Master Jason thinks he died again and is in his own personal hell, and Master Timothy fears his coffee has been compromised.
Damian: Perfect.
Damian: *pulls a disgusted face* I can't believe Todd thinks he is important enough to have a personal hell.*eye roll*
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Damian: Marinette, since we both enjoy Shakespeare, would you like to see one of the original manuscripts of Othello this weekend with me?
Marinette: Um yes! Is there a museum opening this weekend?
Damian: Actually no, my father has one, it's at my residence, is that okay?
Marinette *shocked* Saturday at 2?
Damian: Sounds great!
*Marinette walks around the corner*
Damian: *pulls out his phone and calls his father*
Damian: Father? Do you remember when you said I could come to you when I am in dire need?
Bruce: *worried because Damian never calls him and accepts he need help* What's wrong Damian? Are you in trouble?
Damian: Father, I need an original copy of Shakespeare's Othello by Saturday morning!
Bruce: Damian, What the heck? I thought you were dying!!!
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Marinette: Showing affection is good. Look: *hugs Dick and smiles*
Damian: Ok, Ok, *goes up to Tim and starts strangling him with a blanket*
Marinette and Dick: No no no
Jason: DUDE, THIS IS WHAT HUGGING IS - BRUCE BRUCE COMERE, LEMME GIVE YOU A HUG!!
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(2146 words)(not incl A/N)

- Toodles