Shut Up and Write - Activity Book

Reading Activity #1 - The Blue Mark

Reading Activity #1 - The Blue Mark

Activity Information: Books will be given out to be reviewed by our members. You'll be expected to write a minimum of 500 words and explain how the writer could improve the book. We would like you to read a minimum of two chapters and you will be given ten days to complete this activity. 

Timeframe: 7/5/2023 -  17/5/2023

Date Submitted: 12/5/2023

Review Word Count: 678 (excluding original story quotes & suggestion examples based on those quotes)

Note: This review is based on the first three parts of -KaylaWinchester's book, The Blue Mark, which are The Prophecy and Chapters 1 & 2. Therefore, this review will not be reflective of how the author's writing evolved from the first chapter to the most recent chapter. I hope this is not only taken with a grain of salt but still provides enough value to be useful.

Thanks to the ShutUpAndWriteClub for accepting my application for this activity.

The review has been done in point form for ease of reading.

Review of the Blue Mark:

1) Caring about the characters - 

Firstly, I love how the story starts in the middle of the action. In the middle of a really dangerous or life-changing incident. This approach is one of my favourites and can really make an impact when executed well. However, the sense of urgency seemed to be a bit bogged down.

This could've been because the reader is getting to know the character so sympathy has not been established but, in this case, it's more relevant to the descriptive aspect of the narrative.

Some of the descriptions felt a bit loose or clunky. For action, sentences need to be concise, straight to the point and pack a solid punch but it also needs to be immersive. This can be remedied by using stronger verbs and cutting out filler words that make the story a bit difficult to get through.

Some sentences were concise but they still felt less impactful. Weak, shorter sentences can be redone to make a better impact and still read quicker, even if more words are used. 

This would also help increase the urgency within the reader as they imagine the situation unfolding, even if they haven't yet started caring for the MC.

Example: 'The smoke from her burning home blurs her vision, making her brown eyes water, and she bumps into a table with her shoulder.'

Suggestion: 'Acrid smoke and heat engulfs her home, her vision blurring in a watery sting, and her shoulder rams into a nearby table.'

2) -LY Adverbs -

There aren't many '-ly' adverbs in the chapters reviewed. However, based on the adverb choices I saw, those particular sentences have the potential to be tighter, sharper and more impactful. 

I highly recommend sourcing an extensive list of verbs and suitable replacements.

Example: 'Her heart beats wildly...'

Suggestion: 'Her heart hammers/pounds/thrashes...'

3) Sentences with He/She & Showing vs Telling -

I appreciate these types of sentences when it comes to fast-paced action and the need to deliver information in short bursts without being overwhelming.

However, we enter Chapter 2 with relative calm where a variation on these sentences can be welcomed without being too grandiose or flowery.

The sentences are good, the imagery is there but the impact is lessened or dulled when the flow of the prose seems to be somewhat robotic or mechanical. I think this is because of 'telling' sentences. I'm being told what the character feels and what to feel for them rather than 'seeing' how those feelings are portrayed in their actions, in their body language and the snap decisions they make.

More importantly, I realized that a good amount of these sentences can stand on their own without needing to refer to the subject, whether that's by pronoun or name, in an excessive manner. Especially in the case where they aren't interacting with other characters. 

It also allows for condensing of multiple sentences without being too wordy.

Example: 'He runs to the front door, swinging it open and letting it slam against the wall, uncaring. Stepping out onto the grass, his feet sink into wetness, but he pays it no mind.'

Suggestion: 'Barreling through the front door with a powerful slam, his feet land on wet, marshy grass but he pays it no mind and dashes off.' (the first 'He' is dropped; two sentences are condensed into one so it reads quicker; stronger verbs are used)

Example: 'His eyes grow large and his heart drops into his stomach.'

Suggestion: 'His gaze widens, heart plummeting to his stomach.' (only one of the 'his' is dropped but the readjustment of the sentence adds variation)

That way, there is some spice and musicality in the prose without having to use he/she/his/her too many times. Cut them out in a sentence where possible.

There will be instances where he/she/his/her has to be used frequently but ensure that they're not in excess. 

Also, despite the changes being minor, it makes a real difference because the anticipation is heightened and the storytelling is more nuanced.

4) Strong Chapter Openings - 

That being said, the imagery is there despite the encounters with 'telling'. Chapters 1 and 2 had excellent and strong starts but after that initial excitement, it feels as if I - the reader - am just going through the motions.

I could feel what feeling is supposed to be evoked but not on a level where it was at the forefront of my mind. I wasn't 100% immersed like I wanted to be. That grips my heart or makes me fear for the character.

There is tension, the action is nice, but it wanes quicker than expected. I prefer to be kept on my toes with every sentence and seduced into scrolling to the next chapter. 

Some readers prefer prose that are emotive but not too emotive to the point that it becomes a discomfort to their reading experience. They prefer to be taken to the edge without having to fall all the way into that pit of emotion but yes, it has potential to be heightened for a greater impact without being too overwhelming.

Overall, I liked the premise and concept. Definitely has a good foundation to improve on and become a gripping, edge-of-your-seat story. 

Hope this helps and again, I ask that this be taken with a grain of salt. Thanks so much for reading.

Rissa Corbyn.