3am. Her crying was unbearable to a mother's ears. The gut wrenching feeling you have listening to the sobs of your own child caused by your own mistakes is horrific. She was 6 years old terrified of her own mama. I sat outside her bedroom with my knees to my chest and my hands on the sides of my ears. Rip laid in bed with her trying to calm down what was left of Jennings innocents. She continued to scream at her father "she's gonna kill me daddy! She's going to hurt me!" She cried. Rip reassured her nothing would hurt her. "Your mama loves you Jen. Your mama would never do anything to hurt you. She was in a situation where she had to protect herself "
"No! She's not mama! She's a monster! I hate her!! I hate her!!" She spoke louder. Rip stayed quiet as he listened to her hyperventilating cries. Rip began to worry about her health at that moment. "Breathe Jennings. Breathe. Baby look at daddy, you need to calm down" her small hands clawed at her own cheeks with overstimulation. Her eyes were red and sore from the tears. I knocked on the door. Rip stood up and peeked his head out. His eyes were filled with hate and anger, not for me. Not for her, but for the man that caused this. He watched me with empathy. "Don't let the monster in daddy!!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. Rips eyes squeezed shut at her screams. He was filled with so much pain. "G...give her this..it..it'll help her sleep" I handed him a glass of juice that I had put a very small dose of Prozac. He nodded as he shut the door behind him. I could hear him calming her down with small words. I could tell from outside the door she was drinking. "I don't wanna sleep with her here daddy! She's gonna kill us!" She cried. Rip didn't say a word as he was trying to remove her mind from the situation. I curled up with my hand la back on my ears. I squeezed my eyes shut thinking some how I can wake up from this nightmare. After another hour rip steps out. I look up at him with streams down my cheeks. "You can't...stay here anymore" he says quietly. I stared back down at my feet. "I know" I whispered. I stood up slowly. "I should've never became a mother" a whispered once more. Rip didn't reply. He hung his head. "I'm sorry" he spoke. "J..just let me...grab some of my thing..." I limped into my bedroom. I grabbed some clothes some of my belongings. "Why did you do that. Just why?"
"I didn't know she was there rip." I zipped up the bag keeping my eyes away from him. "How didn't you know?"
"I didn't have time to look around rip"
"So you just go up behind some guy and killed him?"
"Some guy? Some guy!? Rip! Rip he fuckin-" I felt myself get dizzy. I chose to stay quiet pulling my bag over my shoulder. "You know what he did to me twenty years ago. You were there"
"I understand that Twitty. But our daughter was there"
"I didn't know she was there! I was being attacked rip!"
"You could've shot him" he nagged. My breathing got heavy as I was still in shock, still very distraught. "No!! I couldn't have!"
"Yes twitty you could! You could've ended it all sooner! Before she even made her way to where you were!"
"He was fucking holding me down rip!! He had my own gun to my fucking head!!" I gasped as I sobbed. I slammed my hands together as I spoke with each syllable. I gasped once more through my tears "he destroyed my body! I'm bleeding intensively! I tried rip!! For fuck sakes I tried!!" Rip watched me as I cried more than he's ever seen. He gulped the pain down his throat. "I tried! I fucking tried" I wiped my face quickly then cleared my throat after shaking the weakness off. "Don't you tell anyone. If anyone asks, just don't say shit"
"Twitty... You can talk to me"
"No. I ain't gonna talk about. Shit didn't happen. You didn't hear shit. You don't know shit. I'm gonna ago stay at my dad's or something. Now... I think you gotta take jenny camping this week with you...get her mind off of everything she's seen"
"What about you?"
"Don't worry about me rip. I'll worry about me" rip sighed sitting on the bed. "Please?" I begged. He nodded before rubbing his face. "Thank you..."
.....
Walking into my father's home I hear small yammering with Delighted speaking. I stepped through the kitchen following the laughter. There I met Beth and my father, sharing drinks by the fire. They both glance up at me. "What are you doing up so late?" He questioned. I poured myself a strong stiff drink. I took a dark swig. "Could ask you both the same thing"
"Just talking and enjoying ourselves until you came in and ruined it" beth snickered into her drink. I slammed my empty glass down. They both jump. "Oh I'm sorry! did I ruin your fun beth? Did I ruin your fun daddy? How about your life daddy? Did I?"
My father looked up at me with confusion. "What are you on about Twitty"
"Tell me daddy. What would you do if Beth got punched?"
My father furrowed his brows with a head tilt. "I don't know Twitty"
"You'd probably find the guy who did it right? Beat him back right?"
"I guess so?"
I wandered to the front of the fire place in front of them. "What if a man molested beth? Maybe even Casey? Lee? Jamie? What would you do then?" "Jesus Twitty" my father responsed. "Answer my fucking question daddy! What would you do then!?" I raised my voice. My father rubbed his face and waved his hand from his forehead. "I would probably kill them" he says. My heart sunk. It broke. "So why wouldn't you do the same for me!?" I clenched my jaw. "Huh!? Why wouldn't you do the fucking same for me!!" I swatted the glass from his hand shattering it into the fire place as I screamed my anger. He stared up at me with emotionless eyes, almost an angry glare. I gasped through my anger to catch my breath "you lied to me!!" My loud voice began to break "you fucking lied to me you son of bitch!! For what!? for what daddy!?"
"I never lied to you Twitty! I don't lie!"
"You told me you killed that fucking man!! That fucking monster! You told me you killed him-"
"I never said that!! I said I took care of him! I told you I took care of that son of a bitch!"
"He fucking touched me daddy!!" I bent down into his face as he sat in his recliner "he touch your little fucking girl and you didn't give a FUCK! about it!! And now because of you my daughter is scard for fucking life! FOR LIFE! DADDY! do you know what that means!?" I pointed into his chest "this is on you you son of a bitch! If this was beth! Or Casey!! You would've killed that fucker with your own bare hands! Why not me daddy!? You never defended me! Ever! On anything! Why do you hate me daddy!? Or should I even fucking call you that!" I pushed off him. The room was quiet. Beth was taken back, disturbed even. My father had no words. No remarks. "Who told you?"
"Out of everything I just said that's what fucking struck you!? I already knew! I'm not fucking stupid! I was there when you found out! The first night I killed a man! I knew!" Beth looked at my father than back at me. "What is happening right now?"
"This is between the adults beth. Don't you have a married man to fuck?"
"Jesus Christ!" My father scoffed. "Enough!!" Dad stood up. He paced the floor in front of the fire. "How much did she see?"
"Everything. Every little detail. My own fucking daughter can't even look at me. I can't even sleep in my own home with my little girl!" I gulped another swig of whiskey from the bottle. "What is she talking about daddy?" Beth questioned. John didn't reply. He just rubbed his face in defeat. "If you'll excuse me I'm going to..clean myself up" I stepped out of the living room heading into what used to be my bedroom. My room was cold and empty, nothing left but my bed and dresser. I peeled my clothes off my body as I squeezed my eyes through the agonizing pain. I let out small yelp as a gash on my back revealed my secrets. "What happened to you" beth spoke. I jumped at the sound of her voice then covered my body with a bed sheet. "Do you mind!?" I yelled. "What happened to you Twitty" she asked once more. I hung my head then spoke with Shame in my voice "I was attacked beth.."
"Attacked how" she sat down on my bed watching with sadness in her eyes. I sighed. "When I was younger....early twenties maybe? I was picked on by the older cowboys. One imparicular was extremely fond of me... It once came into conversation that I was a virgin...he didn't believe me...so he uh...he uh held me down and did some things to me... Rip..rip watched... He saw.. I was told wade was taken care of... I didn't know that meant just fired...I would've taken matters into my own hands if I knew"
"Twitty...so what happened to you now? What did he do to you now?" I stayed quiet. I was embarrassed. I slid open my bedroom door turning on the hot shower, trying to avoid the contact as much as possible. I stepped back into the bedroom. My eyes weld as her eyes watched me with sympathy. She was scared just as much as she was worried about my answer. I took a deep breath as a slight sob released from my lips "he raped the shit out of m..me beth" I broke... My voice shook underneath my breath. Her eyes widened and her posture saddened. I stared at her as i couldn't believe the words coming out of my mouth. I began to cry infront of her for the first time in decades if ever. With shaky hands I pushed my hair out of my face. "I...I don't e...ever w...want a m..man touching me...me again" I sobbed. She sat on the bed dumbfounded. Beth's face was pale. She looked sickened. "I wouldn't wish this against my worst enemy beth...
This is..w..why I ever w
wanted you going out w...with just..any old cowboy.. .that's...why I ..I was so hard on you growing up... for..r..reasons like this" I wiped my wet cheeks. "Don't you ever repeat this to no one"
"I won't Twitty...but..what happened to the guy? What did Jennings see?" She questioned. I took another deep breath. I shut my eyes. "I beat him with a rock. His head, into the ground. She saw everything. She saw me kill him..."
"And....what...what do you mean... About..not calling daddy...daddy?"
"Do you have to know everything beth? I swear to God if you repeat anything I am saying I will kill you beth. I will take my two hands and destroy your fucking life"
"Okay! I get it Twitty! I won't speak a word! I give you my word! Please just tell me!" Her nervous hands gripped the bottom of her dress that stopped above her knees. Her knuckles were turning white with anticipation. "I had to be around twelve... Remember the wolves?" Beth nodded "sort of" she claimed. "Well... Arter That night mama tucked you guys in... Got in an agreement with daddy. It got real heated. I don't remember what the argument was about, I think it had to do with me because they went outside to fight. I remember their faces being red, I watched them through the window... Came out that John isn't my daddy. The reason they got married was because she was pregnant with me. Turns out she tricked him..." Beth was taken back. Her breath was shallow as tears poured down her silent face. "I think that's why she hated me so much and the reason daddy didn't care much about me either..... I was a reminder of their flawed relationship" I spoke quietly. "So...you ain't even a Dutton huh?"
"That isn't true. I sure as hell deserve the fucking title! I've done way to much to be shoved aside!"
"Do you know who your father is?" She questioned. I shook my head. That I will never reveal.....
