I Think About You Ronnie Anne

3

       I'm in school. I have the cupcake and I made it extra purple—her favorite color. (From what I can tell, she wears a lot of purple clothing so that could be the only logical conclusion, right?) Now my job is in effect. The task: Find Ronnie Anne and give her the cupcake. We don't share any classes, so I suppose I'll aim for Lunch. Isn't this quite a dynamic? I mean, my search for her kind of reminds me of a wolf and a rabbit. A hunter searching for prey. But that concept is so much more malevolent, isn't it? I search for her because of love—not to devour her. I would never hurt her, because who would hurt a god? Anyhow, the bell has just rang, which means my time for action has come. I pick up my notebook, walk to my locker, stuff it inside, and then head off down the hall to the cafeteria. This period is the craziest of them all, and frankly, it's comparable to a zoo if all the animals were released from their cages (or in this case: classes).

       You see the strong animals and the weak ones both fighting, spreading rumors at one table, and sticking gum under another. I see two girls whisper to another smaller geeky one, who then stands up, walks to another table, and sticks a wad of chewed bubblegum into another girl's hair. (They must have told her to do it.) The girl who now struggles to rip the gum out, runs out of the room crying and humiliated. It's a savage ecosystem with extremely meager order. When I scanned the room for Ronnie Anne, I spotted several tan girls that looked similar, but none of them were her. Luckily, my eye happened to glance to the corner of the room, where I saw her sitting next to a few friends. She seemed to be happy talking with them. I wonder if she's faking that smile. I weave around tables, dodging food that is tossed through the air and people returning to their tables with trays full of slop. Now I'm right behind her. Her hair shines so much brighter up close. I can smell a strawberry scent... no, it smells more like a rose. I forget to say something, so I'm just standing there staring at her. Her friend points a finger at me and she finally turns around. "Oh, hey! Louis, right? I know this guy," she tells her friends. "We've met a few times before. What's going on Louis?" I don't know what to say. It's hard to talk to someone. Words seem to hide from me when I need them the most. My lips get ready to speak, but nothing but short breaths escape. I'm scared... she's hunting me now. She's the predator. She's the enemy.

       Her friends look creeped out. They must think I'm crazy. One is looking at me from the side, and the other is covering her mouth to hide her laughing. What am I doing here? Why did I try to approach her? It's genuinely escaped my mind! This is humiliating! This is emasculating! I'm the rabbit, and she's the wolf who is about to tear me to bloody shreds. "I made... a cupcake. It's a cupcake for you." One of her friends snickers. "It's my favorite color! Thanks, Louis!" She waits for me to say something, but I don't say a word. I can't say anything, because my own throat is choking itself. My throat's so tight that my Adam's apple is almost pressed against my tonsils. My mouth is dry now, too. I need to escape. I can't die here; I have to get out! "Bye!" I say, and quickly I dash away to an empty table on the opposite side of the room. I can't believe I messed that up! She got the cupcake, but the cupcake was nothing but a tool. The real goal wasn't transporting a stupid cupcake, it was to show my true self to Ronnie Anne! What have I done?! I've ruined my chances. I've slaughtered my own sheep. My own clean, white, stainless sheep, with wool so soft you could lie on it like a pillow and fall asleep in no time! But it's no use! I've killed the sheep! I've cut right through its center and its wool is stained with blood! I've ruined it all! My heart is racing, my head is thumping, my hands are cold and sweaty... I think I may pass out. What have I done? Oh god, what have I done?

       My own sheep... My sheep.

       I don't pass out, but my body becomes so exhausted and overwhelmed by my worsening stress, that I fall asleep. The bell wakes me, and I peel my cheek off the table with a string of drool flowing from my bottom lip. I'm so fatigued. My brain is overwhelmed, and I am still humiliated by what I have done. Or rather, what I hadn't done. If I could only be more sociable. If I could only have one conversation with her, then that would be enough. But I'm too weak right now and I don't know how to get stronger. Stronger not in the context of muscle, but of mind. My introversion, my taciturnity, and my fear. I need another chance—I deserve another chance! I can do it; I know I can! I see Ronnie Anne dump the remaining scraps of food on her plate into a garbage can, then place the tray on the counter and leave the room. Her friends follow behind. One of them looks over at me and the other follows her gaze. They both stare at me as they leave, sharing one last ridiculing laugh as they exit.

       J'ai honte.