VENT

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⚠️TW: swearing, my life⚠️

I'm such a fucking mess why am I such a mess? I shouldn't be like this, there's nothing wrong with me! Istg I'm just overreacting like everyone says. If there is a problem with me then it's not like anyone else and I bet no one could help me. Not like they'd want to anyway.

But what if I'm just faking it? What if I'm forcing myself into this? Why would I do that? Do I want to make myself suffer? I mean, probably. I recently learned that skin picking is classified as self harm so yeah I've been doing that for LITERAL FUCKING YEARS. And people who just joke about and say things I can't tell what's a joke and shit will hurt me on the inside, but guess what? I'll say "lol" and pretend like it isn't an issue! I've been making so much for so long I don't fucking know what's me and what's a personality I've made for someone else! So if you ask me to just "unmask and show the real me" I CAN'T. I PHYSICALLY CAN'T. Why? BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S ME ANYMORE. There's probably some fancy word for that and I'm gonna find out it's some really serious problem and I need help and blah blah blah SHUT THE FUCK UP. I KNOW I'M A FUCKING MESS WHO CAN'T BE FIXED.

And all my parents see is a "stereotypical pre-teen" who sits in her room all day on her phone. They think she's lazy and ungrateful and addicted to her phone. My parents have no fucking idea what goes through my head on a daily basis. If you want a vague idea, here's a few of the things I've thought in the past week:
"Man I'm so ugly"
"What would happen if I just- died"
"My hair is a fucking mess"
"Are my parents actually toxic or am I just victimizing myself?"
"Don'tpickuptheknife-"
And then guess what they'd do?! Tell me I'm overreacting and to get over it, I don't actually have depression and it's all because of the phone and I need to get out more. AND THEY FUCKING WONDER WHY.

And can we just talk about autism for a sec? I'm very aware I'm autistic, and in fact so is my mum, but she doesn't understand me. Just today, we were working in the garden and there were slugs and rotten plants and shit, and I didn't want to touch it. And I wasn't gonna put on gardening gloves because I hate how they feel. And mum told me to just get over it.

Right I'm just gonna put everything here, get ready...

I'm so fucking paranoid I bet I'm offending someone rn with this vent bc they had it way worse and I'm just a baby making a mountain out of a molehill, so yeah sorry everyone. Sometimes I feel fine and like life is worth living, so when I feel like shit I feel like it's invalid because I need to feel like shit all the time to be depressed. People mess with my head, I know yall don't mean to and I'm genuinely sorry if this offends someone, but sometimes people say things that just make me just wanna kms. I'm not gonna lie, it's hella tempting sometimes. And I feel like I can't kms if I haven't done a sh which is probably stupid but this is the shit my brain comes up with so yeah lesson here is I can't do anything right, not even depression.

Back on the topic of masking, yeah you know when you ask "how are you" and I'm like "yeah I'm good" yeah no I'm not good and never have been. I'm just so fucking good at hiding stuff that no one can tell I'm battling fucking suicidal thoughts inside. And that's also related to autism, so yeah I barely have a personality anymore, just depression, anxiety and headphones.

Is this all connected somehow? Am I just one big pile of shit or lots of little piles or lots of big piles? Idk SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME

And then everyone's gonna come in and say "oH i'M hErE fOR yOu" I DON'T WANT HELP. I just need to put all this shit somewhere and a notebook ain't gonna do it. And maybe someone to hug me afterwards.

And if you made it all the way down here, congratulations and I'm sorry. Now I gotta post this before I overthink this like I do with everything.

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