Riku Hiroto: Diluculo

Dawn

I have always wondered what it feels like to find light when you're stuck in the abyss. Broken and hurt, a debilitating kind of hurt crippling you till you cannot find your footing, till all the threads of hope are cut off.

"Riku?" Narinig ko ang boses ni Mama mula sa kabilang side ng pinto. The same call every morning since the day that incident happened, my mom calling for my name as she knocks on my door, waiting for a response from me. I shuffled under the duvet hoping that the cold and excruciating pain inside of me will finally be able to feel warmth once more.

I reached for my phone on my bedside table and looked at what time it is already. It's already the afternoon, no wonder my mom is by my door now. Probably checking if I'm still breathing and moving, making sure that no other children of hers would follow their eldest sister to the grave.

"I'm up, Ma!" Sigaw ko sa kabila ng mga unan na nakatambak sa paligid ng mukha ko. I don't want to see the light coming from my window as it shone to the mural in my room, it reminds me of my older sister and the incident that costs us her life. And I'm a part of the reason why.

Muli kong ibinaon ang mukha ko sa unan ko, nararamdaman ko ang pagbalong ng luha ko sa aking mga mata. I miss my sister, the person that had been standing by my side ever since. I miss her so much, I wish I could turn back the time and rethink of my life decisions that time. If not because of me and my recklessness, Ate Clementine would have been still here. She would have been the one waking me up, pouncing me on my bed because I slept in. She would have been the person Tenshi and Rie would have talked about their puppy loves and classroom crushes.

But maybe that's the reason why she was taken away from us very early, because she was too good for this world.

After she passed, our home is like a desert. Mama tried to filled the void she left but it's different. Papa and Mama sent me and my siblings for psychological therapy. My siblings seems to be responding well to it, but I became reliant to most of my medication. I cannot sleep at night because the face of my sister before she died haunts me. I became addicted to the internet that my time around it is unhealthy for a normal person.

I refuse to go further at my therapy, I shut myself in and let myself wallow in the guilt I'm feeling. If not because of me we would still be a complete family.

I wiped my tears and lethargically went out of the bed. Pakiramdam ko ay kinakain na ng bituka ko ang kapwa nito bituka dahil sa lakas ng pagkalam ng sikmura ko. I remember I went straight to bed last night after a tiring game with my internet friends, I lost my appetite when it ended up in a lose streak. I was so frustrated that I raged quit and left our server right after.

Nang makababa ako papunta sa dining room namin nakita ko sina Rie at Tenshi na busy sa binubuo nilang Lego set. Habang si Takeru naman ay nanonood mula sa kaniyang iPad. Nakita ako ng Yaya ni Takeru na bumababa nang hagdan at nginitian.

"Good Afternoon, Riku," bati niya. Tumango lamang ako at nagdire-diretso sa direksyon ng refrigerator namin para kumuha ng pitsel at baso na nasa counter lamang. "Ano gusto mong kainin?" Tanong ni Mama na hindi ko napansing nasa kusina at nagluluto ng sa palagay ko ay meryenda ng tatlo.

Natatakam ako sa amoy ng carbonara na niluluto niya at naramdaman ko muli ang pagkalam ng sikmura ko. "I'd have a carbonara na rin, Ma." Ngumiti na lamang si Mama at tumango. "Tulungan mo muna 'yung kambal sa pagbuo ng Lego nila, ilang minuto na lang tapos na ako rito." Tumango na lamang ako at naglakad patungo sa mga kapatid ko, I stood behind them and rest my arms on the chair back. Pinanood ko silang magbuo ng tig-isang hiwalay na bag ng Lego set nila.

I heard a small grunt from Rie, I looked at her progress and she seemed to made a mistake sa binubuo niya. It got stuck and she can't pull it apart. "Akin na," inabot ko ang piece na pinaghihiwalay niya at walang kahirap hirap na pinaghiwalay ito. "Thank you, Kuya." Rie puckered her lips on the air and gave me an invisible kiss of thanks.