Submerged

Chapter 1

Alessia

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live a different life? I have. There's been many times I've found myself staring into space, my mind on a different planet as I dreamed up what life I could be living instead of the one I have now. I constantly question why I had to be born into a family who thrives in organized crime when I don't do well with rules. It didn't seem as suffocating when my father was alive but since his death it feels as if my head is permanently submerged underwater and I'm going to run out of oxygen at any moment. I thrash and I fight against the hold but I'm never released, only pushed deeper.

As a child Mamma always said the Italian blood in my veins made me rebellious by nature but if I wanted a good life in this world I'd have to make the choice of when and where to rebel. I've never been a very good judge of that unfortunately. Sure I'm aware of when I'm in the presence of dangerous men who wouldn't blink an eye over killing me but that doesn't mean I always care. I can only hold my tongue for so long which makes being forced to marry a man I don't know even scarier. I'm so tired of living a life where I can't make my own choices, maybe death would be the better alternative.

Today is my engagement party and the first time I'll meet my fiancé. My stomach churns at the title and I swallow down bile as it creeps its way up my throat. I wish I could figure a way out of this but I'm not sure there is one. I may be an adult but I don't have a job, I don't have my own money, my own house or even my own car. My life is a half empty existence that's filled with volunteer work at a local women's shelter for victims of domestic abuse, time spent with my family when they aren't busy, and an obsession with old movies. When Nolani and Giovanni lived just a few houses down from Raf's I constantly visited, I felt happier than I had in a while, but now they live in Sicily so I'm back to being mostly on my own. It probably doesn't help that I had also found myself entangled with a man I shouldn't have been with. I fell in love and he abruptly ended things a few months ago and refuses to talk to me anymore.

I glance down at my pristine white lace dress, the bodice tight like a corset, the short skirt ruching at my hips making me appear even curvier than usual. Attached to the thin spaghetti straps are sheer fabric sleeves that billow out and cinch at my wrists. I've been plucked, waxed and manicured nearly down to my bones. There's not a single wayward hair left on my body and it makes me question that if this is just the engagement party how far they'll take my grooming once it's my wedding day.

Mamma has hired so many professionals to help prepare for everything I can't keep up. I was supposed to help pick decorations for the engagement party but I refused. I want no part in my downfall because when I hit rock bottom I want each of them to know it was them who forced me there.

I reach up and adjust my hair, fighting the urge to mess it up so it makes us late. Since the day I found out about my engagement thanks to a text from my cousin Emilia I haven't spoken to anyone in my family. I could see it on their faces at the dinner table that day, they all knew. How long, I'm not sure, but they knew and that's all that mattered to me.

I've practically locked myself in Raf's house and baked my feelings away. My body got the brunt of that in the result of some weight gain but I don't care. I don't care about much of anything lately. I still don't know the name of my fiancé. What's the point? I want this man to hate me, I want him to despise me so much he can't fathom cuffing himself to me for the rest of our lives. I couldn't care less about his name or who he is.

"Oh, my beautiful girl!" Mamma exclaims, entering my bedroom as I turn away from the full length mirror. "You're absolutely stunning." She wraps me up in a hug that I refuse to return. She takes my cold shoulder in stride, grown used to it by now as she steps back and gives me a smile. "Now please make sure you behave yourself today, leave the bitter attitude at home and put a smile on for your husband to be."