His WCKD love.

Her numbness.

{Trigger warning} - self harm and suicidal ideation. 

Y/n Pov:

"No newt, you never did." I say turning my head to the boy sitting so uncomfortable... 

"Well, it was the day of my second year in here." He starts. 

"I was a runner, i had been basically since my first day in the glade and i would run every day with Min." he takes a deep breath before speaking again.

"I can't remember the last time i had a break from running when i did." I move my whole body to face him as he continued. 

"It was my way of hurting myself without people seeing." and he rolls up his shirt sleeves, under the moonlight i see his skin, each inch of his arms, coated and covered in scars. Self inflicted, self harm... 

"Newt." i say reaching for his wrist before any sense in my body could stop me. My fingertips trace over each bump and disfigurement slowly enough to feel each emotion seep from the closed cuts as if they never healed. My hands hold his arms as he looks down at me and smiles. "It was my way of pushing my body to pure exhaustion, instead of using a blade. It worked for a little while." 

My hands part from his embrace and for the first time i felt a feeling of emptiness, a feeling i had never felt toward this boy, my body felt cold and unfulfilled.. "The last six months leading up to my second year were my own personal hell, It was as if all the feelings a person felt within a lifetime came crashing down." Tears started to form in the boys eyes but he doesn't let that stop him. "It was a constant cloud of overwhelming fear and hate, toward myself and the fuckers that put us in here." He turns to the maze walls. 

"So, i let the self hatred and the fear win, on my second year i got up before anyone and ran myself into the maze. I found the tallest wall and i just started climbing, the ivy doesn't go all the way to the top so i went as far as i could, every feeling and every emotion that i had felt seemed to disappear from my mind as if someone turned them off with a switch and i knew that if i felt so peaceful before death, what would it be like after." His tears fell and he started again. "So i let go, and fell. I broke my leg in three places and bled unconscious on the floor for about four minutes before Minho found me and carried me back to the glade himself." His eyes leave the maze and turn back to me. "Alby, Clint and Minho are the only ones who ever knew and after that we never spoke of it again although Minho checks in with me as much as he can." 

I don't say anything, i just stare at the boy feeling all sorts of emotions that I'm unfamiliar with. 

"You don't have to say or do anything, i told you this so you can know that i understand and that i'm here for you if you are ever in need Y/n." 

He begins to stand and before leaving says "Please, don't make the same mistake I did darling." and places a small kiss on my head and walks away.

Tears started to threaten my eyes, the image of seeing Newt so miserable makes every bone in my body shift, he says he understands and i feel that he might... So before i could stop myself im up and running toward him. He hears my footsteps and turns, i don't dare say anything but i crash into his body holding his frame as he warps his arms around me. 

Newt's Pov:

She's hugging me... 

'Y/n?" i question as i look down to her, i had never seen her like this. 

She is normally so clueless about emotions. It has been six months and i had never heard her genuinely laugh, never saw a proper smile and never felt any other emotion besides numbness from her. 

"Darling?" i say lifting her head to look at mine and she complies, allowing me to hold her is also a first, you even touch Y/n on the shoulder and you risk being thrown three feat.

"What is wrong?" I say, hoping to finally get an answer to what has been going on with her the past few months. 

But she doesn't say a word, she just steps back from my embrace and lifts her shirt over her head and reveals a number of fresh wounds and cuts running up and down her ribs, from the top of her bra straps to her waistline. The light from the moon shines over her completely breathtaking body.

"I wake up every morning with a new one." She says hiding her face by looking at the floor. Then my eyes fall to her wrists. 

"Your always wearing a long sleeve shirt..." i say before she stops me. 

"I wake up with a new cut on my torso, the ones on my wrist, well it's my way of making me feel that im not going crazy, it is my way of making sure i'm not dreaming." 

"Or living in a fucking nightmare, Y/n holy shit!" i say kneeling and pulling her in carefully by the waist to get a closer look at the gashes covering her soft skin. 

Each wound seems to bleed like it is a personal attack and she doesn't even seem to feel it, i run my fingertips over the most healed cut and she doesn't even flinch, i look up to her and see the moon light fractured from behind her head, her body stands still and perfect over me as my eyes trace over her every nerve and her curves that form her frame. For the first time i feel that my emotions toward her are unmistakeable. 

"How is this possible Y/n?" i question her standing to meet her face. 

"I get these revolting dreams that consist of what i think my life was before the Glade." 

She remembers? 

"I don't understand, i don't even think that it was my life." 

"What do you see in your dreams?" I ask her softly. 

"It's a number of different images that flash and change. I've seen the beach but the sand around me pooled in blood, i was in the bush but the trees dripped droplets of red liquid that felt like acid on my skin. I saw long white corridors that where lit by bright lights that flashed every few seconds, each flash a person i had never seen was dead on the floor with gory bullet holes in their heads." she takes a massive breath "And i saw all of you, in tanks drowning and screaming for help, with cords and wires coming out of your bodies, that night i woke choking and throwing up water and i haven't been able to sleep since." 

"How long ago was this dream?" i question. 

"Almost seven days ago." she sighs and sits down holding her knees to her chest. 

"Okay, let's go though it together." i say before sitting in front of her holding her hands in mine. 

"So you dream of these terrifying situations that you feel connected to somehow and each night you dream you awake with a new wound on your torso?" 

"Yes." she says.

"Are you cut anywhere else? besides your wrists and torso." i question. "No just my torso" She replies. 

"And you haven't had another cut since you last slept? which was a week ago." 

"Yes" 

"far our Y/n." i analyse her face and for the first time she allows me to see her completely exhausted. 

She is the most stubborn, head strong, protective person i had met but her face never faded from anything but numb. 

~~~~~~~~

Hello again loves, 

This chapter was a lot harder to write then i first imagined, 

My mind might sound a little crazy with this storyline right now but stick with me i promise it will start to come together and make sense.

i hope your all well! 

and i can't believe it is almost Christmas { for anyone who celebrates } 

if not i hope you are having a wonderful break. 

please vote and comment, it's much appreciated. 

all my love,

-freedom