December
Things have gotten easier between Austin and Emily since the day of the fire.
Maybe because Emily has stopped hoping. Maybe because Austin said all the things he had been keeping inside of him for so long. Maybe it's because they've been a family for five months now and they've found a rhythm that works for everyone. Of course, the quiet slow-paced days they have now will change once winter gives way to spring and it's time to plant next year's crops, but for now, Emily is enjoying the days they spend as a family cuddled by the fire—reading, telling stories, enjoying each other's company.
Emily isn't inside by the warm fire today, instead, she's outside speaking to Mrs. Palmer who stopped by on her way from town.
"Sissy says you might have some eggs to sell me," she says.
She's eighty if she's a day, skin weathered by too many days spent in the fields, body hunched over the reins she clutches in her wrinkled hands.
"We've got a few," Emily says.
It's a cool morning. Not frigid cold, but definitely colder than it was the day before. If it keeps getting colder, the girls' wish to see snow might be granted. Austin says it almost never snows this early in the winter, rarely snows at all, but Emily thinks it would be fun to see the girls play in the snow. Right now, though, her fingers are freezing and she's shivering. She wishes now she had bought a second-hand coat instead of a brand-new nightgown with the little money she had in Missouri. Austin has never noticed the nightgown, which is no longer new, but she could definitely have used a coat. Austin only has the one and it's too big for Emily anyway.
She has money now, money she could use to maybe buy material to sew a coat. But her sewing abilities still leave much to be desired and, besides, she'd much rather spend the money on buying gifts for her family. After all, Christmas only comes once a year, and this will be the first real one Emily has ever had.
"I'll take what you can give me," Mrs. Palmer replies.
Emily runs to the chicken coop, more to get blood flowing to her cold limbs than to rush the eggs to Mrs. Palmer. She scoops up the eggs that she left there this morning. Eggs keep longer outside, now that the air is so much cooler, so she no longer gathers all of them at once. She finds an old seed bag and places the eggs inside of it before returning to Mrs. Palmer.
Emily hands the eggs to Mrs. Palmer and she presses a nickel into her hand "That's too much," Emily protests, trying to give the money back to her.
"Stuff and nonsense," Mrs. Palmer replies. Her voice is grouchy, but she's smiling. "You take care of those precious girls, you hear?"
Emily nods. As soon as Mrs. Palmer is safely away, she brings the nickel inside and places it in the drawer with the rest of the money she's gotten from selling eggs and teaching adults their letters and numbers. She should be able to buy a few pieces of candy with this money for the girls' stockings and a toy for each of the girls.
The girls are sitting in front of the fire, all the miniature animals Austin whittled for them in front of them. Emily sits down and pulls Mary on her lap.
"I swear, I have the prettiest family that ever was."
Emily looks up to see Austin leaning against the wall. He's smiling down at them. He had been tending to the pigs and stacking some more wood. It's been a colder winter than usual, and they've used more wood than Austin had been planning on this early in winter.
"Come play with us, Papa," Eliza urges.
"Yes, Papa, do," Mary adds.
"Don't mind if I do," Austin replies. He takes off his coat and joins them on the floor. Eliza sits on his lap and they spend a pleasant afternoon telling fanciful stories of what mischief the miniature animals have gotten themselves into.
Dinner is soup, thick with dried meat and potatoes. They eat the meal by the fire, as cozy as any people can be. When Emily looks over the girls' heads, Austin is smiling at her. They stare into each other 's eyes long enough that Emily begins to feel her cheeks flush. Austin is still smiling as he finally breaks their eye contact.
Austin is the most confusing man Emily has ever known. He can be aloof one minute and soft the next. He sometimes looks at Emily like he thinks Emily is someone special. And Emily wants to be someone special to him. Despite what Austin said about never falling in love again, Emily is still in love with Austin. She reckons she always will be.
They tuck the girls in bed together, Austin sitting beside Emily as Emily reads them one of the stories that even Mary has practically memorized by now. They kiss the girls goodnight.
"I'm not quite tired enough for bed yet," Austin says. "Wanna sit by the fire and talk a bit?"
Emily nods. She sits down first and she's a bit surprised when Austin sits very close beside her. She's even more surprised when Austin reaches up and pushes a wayward strand of hair from Emily's forehead. Emily looks at her husband, afraid to say anything that will break the spell.
Emily longs, she longs for more soft touches and more soft words. And she very much wants to kiss Austin again and, even more, for Austin to want to kiss her.
"So, I've been thinking..." Austin drops his hand from Emily's hair and places it on top of Emily's hand. Emily's hand tingles, warmth spreading from where Austin's fingers are pressed into her skin.
It takes her a few moments to realize that Austin never finished his sentence.
"What have you been thinking about?" Emily asks.
"You. Me. Us."
"You said before there wasn't an us," Emily points out. Her heart is beating really loudly, she wonders if Austin can hear it. It sounds loud enough to her to wake up the girls, but she doesn't know how to quieten it. Austin is sitting so close to her, his hand still on top of Emily's. He's so beautiful that Emily could stare into his meadow-green eyes forever and it won't be anywhere near long enough.
"I've been trying so hard to protect my heart that I've been missing out on the best thing that ever happened to me. You are everything I would've ever wanted in a partner. You're kind, you love and care for the girls with everything you have, you bring light into every room you step into. You've had a hard life, been treated unfairly, but you don't complain, you never shirk your responsibilities. And, on top of all that, you're so dang beautiful, inside and out."
Emily blushes. "You make me sound like a saint, I'm hardly that."
"No, you're no saint. You steal cups of my coffee which then you ruin by adding too much sugar to it and you sing so wildly off-key that my ears hurt every time you sing in church."
"I think I liked it better when you made me sound like a saint," Emily replies. But she's smiling because Austin's smiling and everything feels so warm and cozy and possible right now.
"The point is, I can't stop looking at you. I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop wondering how different my life would've been if I had met you before I met Josephine."
"Oh," Emily replies.
"Just 'oh'?" Austin asks.
"I'm not sure what I should say. Every time I say I want us to be a real married couple, you tell me you can't risk it. I—I can't keep putting myself out there and getting rejected, it hurts too much."
Austin scoots closer. He grabs both of Emily's hands. "I know all of this has been hard on you. And you are not to blame for the things Josephine did. But I've been punishing you for her actions, punishing myself too. Thinking I should've done more for her, found a way to keep her by my side, that maybe I'm just not good at being a husband."
