Manic Diary

Who do i trust?

So as yall should know, I've had a bad history with friendships, after many fake friends, you're given trust issues. The issues just multiply after every friendship.

Currently, I'm starting to overthink things and lose trust in the close people that are around me. They just say some things that make me wonder, "are they telling the truth" because they'll say a complete lie but then act all stupid like they can't remember when I confront them.

I've been close with this person for 3 years now. We're both basically the same person we just look different, except, their personality could be a lie too.

I'm too scared to tell someone about how I feel. I don't want to cause drama, or graduate with no one to say "we made it!" To. I want to have that graduation experience. I came into high school with no friends and I want to leave with at least one.

I'm afraid of being alone.

I'm very suspicious of this person, but if I lose them, I will have no one.

I thought I had found someone that was my soulmate (as friends). The friend I see that everyone has online, the friend that never leaves them, and bonds with them until the end of time no matter what friend groups they've been through.

How do people not get tired when being with the same person for so long? Maybe I'm the problem.

I stick to being honest to remain a good friend, I consider outside opinions because I trust that someone with provide me with the right choice, I make everyone laugh with my lame comebacks, and I stop talking when I feel as if I talk too much.

How am I the problem?

How does one make friends after high school. Do I just befriend my coworkers 5 times the age of me? As I watch all of the other people my age go to parties and do fun things while I play scrabble and drink wine with my coworkers.

How do I escape loneliness. I don't want to go back to that time. Being friendless my entire freshman year. Going a whole day of not saying a word to no one, not even my parents. Going straight home after school just to take a nap, eat dinner, bathe, and go back to sleep. A never ending cycle.

If I was still in that depressing life, I doubt I'd still be alive. I'd rather go through a physically painful torture than to go through that ever again.

I hope and pray that a miracle comes my way to solve this loneliness I dread.

Hopefully my next chapter will be graduation. A happy chapter. Filled with the excitement of going into adulthood.