Caged By Him

Chapter 90

It seems like everyone is doing their best to move on and successfully managing to do so. Except me. I'm still stuck on him. He owns me. It's like his love is still coursing through my veins and I'm completely succumbing to its control over me.

Feeling overwhelmed by my thoughts and emotions, I burst into tears. Sobbing heavily as I feel my cheeks heat up and I strain out constricted wheezes.

I wonder when this pain is going to end. I'm sick and tired of feeling like this. I've reached my limit and I'm close to losing my mind. Every day I feel like I'm suffocating and nothing is getting better.

"Pull yourself together." I whisper to myself, wiping the tears that are streaming freely down my face and taking a deep breath.

I look up from the ground and stare into the garden as I watch Eric crawling around in the grass, nearing in to one of the benches.

I watch as my little boy tries to stand up from the grass, holding on to the bench. He manages to do so but unsteadlily wobbling in his place. He tries to take a step forward but falls down.

Immediately, he starts to cry, making me stand up and go over to him.

"Come here, sweetie." I whisper against him as I carry him back with me. He nestles his face into my neck as I kiss all over his small head.

"Please don't be difficult today." I sigh, carrying him over to his seat that I set up for him next to me. Recently, it's as if he's gained a new personality. He's being so clingy with me and it's not that I mind. It just requires much more attention.

I place him there so he can play with the toys that are built into the chair but he starts jumping up and down in his seat.

"Mama." He mumbles in his soft voice as he sniffles, gesturing me to hold him up.

That was his first word. I vividly remember the day he said it a month ago. It was a bittersweet moment where I was content to see our baby growing up. But then I spent the rest of that evening upset because Tristan isn't here to witness any of this.

I hoist him up from his seat and place him on my lap as we sit together in the garden, watching the water trickle down the waterfall. I look down at Eric as he sat quietly on my lap while I rocked him back and forth.

I know this is not a conventional way to raise a child. He should be playing with kids his age. And although, Tristan has provided him with everything he can need here, I know he deserves more than this.

Then again nothing about my life has been conventional. I started living alone at fifteen, I got married at nineteen to a man seven years older than me, had his baby at twenty and now I'm a widow at twenty one. That thought makes me laugh to myself.

It's only normal that I use humor as a coping mechanism to how miserable I'm doing right now.

For a while I just sat there and contemplated while I rocked Eric softly. I look down on him and realize he's asleep, explaining the quietness.

I stand up with struggle as I hold him against me and take him upstairs to his room. I set him down in his crib and watch him as he turns around before giving into the soft mattress and falling asleep.

I make my way downstairs in order to make something to eat. But before I go down the stairs, I take a glance at his office. I recall always coming in here.

I go inside and look around. Somehow, his scent still lingers around here. I divert my attention to his desk and walk over to sit in it. I look over the now dusty pictures of me on it and my chest tightens.