HEROIN ━━ peaky blinders

𝟬𝟬𝟵. the wedding

CHAPTER NINE
THE WEDDING

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PROGRESS IT'S NOT LINEAR, they say. You have to fall back to then take a big step, they say. If Carmen had ever had a thought of speaking again, even if it was just for a split second, it was now completely gone. Talking was no option, less choice. And she really didn't feel like this was just a small fallback, this was a whole relapse. She was once again a the very beginning.

She was supposed to feel more like talking now that she realized how necessary it was, she thought. But as much as she tried, it felt like an impossible task. Carmen wasn't talking for a choice now, she simply couldn't do it. There was something, in her mind that didn't let her speak. It didn't matter the many things she had to say, she didn't have words now, she didn't have a voice.

How could she speak, though? What could she say, to whom? Silence has been part of her for a very long time, she now didn't know how to be loud.

Carmen tried to talk to Thomas. At the end he was the one that followed her around demanding her to speak. She thought maybe he knew the way. She was that desperate. She sat in his room for an hour, waiting for him. When he arrive he knew she was in there, didn't even doubt it.

"Carmen," he spoke, after ten minutes in silent. Finally she dare to look at him.

It was useless. They were just two people who knew about the other more than what they thought. Two people with big problems. Two people asking for help with their eyes, but unable to say something. How can she ask for help to the one that was also in the same trouble.

So she stood up and left.

Days had passed. Carmen couldn't write nor read. She stayed in her room. Thinking. For days and days. With the window open and the cold breeze freezing her thought, she thought maybe one of them will stick in her mind, but no, they all got away. She felt really lonely. She hasn't felt that way in a while. It was silence the one that comforted years ago when loneliness hit her, but now it was the very same silence the one that was destroying her.

She didn't have more time to think about it today. She was going to a wedding.

"Jesus, Carmen! You look like a whore," Ada said. Polly hit her slightly with her elbow. But Ada didn't intend to be mean, all the contrary she was surprised and happy to see her sister again, and to see her different. Carmen raised an eyebrow, looking at her reflection, she could smile at Ada's words. She took them as a compliment.

Carmen toss a hand in her pockets, securing her happiness for the rest of the night.

"Don't you think is a bit to much?" Polly said. But Carmen was flattered again. That was exactly what she was going for.

Today she didn't feel like herself. So she put on makeup—smushed black eyeliner and red lips— and a soft pink dress. She wanted something different and big. It was a contrast between sweetness and innocence, and a crying rebel look. She liked it. Even thought nothing about her looks was anything like her, she found herself in the mirror and she felt comfortable somehow.

☆

Carmen was heavily high and drunk.

Spinning around and dancing alone, she could hear some whispering far away—loud talking and screaming right next to her— about her going wilde and Ada concerning everyone with her pregnancy and non stopping drinking. She locked eyes with her sister and both smile at each other.

Carmen's feelings were completely out of her control. She wasn't conscious enough to worry about anything, to think about anything. She liked that feeling. It was good to feel everything so strong and at once, it cancelled the feelings themselves so if was like feeling nothing. And it felt good. To feel nothing. At least for a night.