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Mad, sad, and sassy.
It doesn't work.
I thought protecting my peace and propelling my life forward would bring happiness.
It doesn't.
It doesn't work.
I thought eliminating all the things that never helped any situation would help. Now the constant no's I have to give out and choosing to ignoring certain statements has run me dry. It's hard doing that and it doesn't help anything. It only makes me feel worse, and not cause they make it that way. I constantly and consistently guilt trip myself and I worry about their feelings. All this while knowing deep down that they haven't even given a single thought as to how I may be feeling.
It still made everything worse.
Somewhere in the mix, burning my own bridges feel into place. I declined X'Avion's phone call. I declined the job opportunity. I simply went home after work and stared at the wall while listening to music.
It's like feeling this empty, but so so heavy ball of nothing in the center of my chest. It weighs everything down from my head to toes. The way I carry myself. The way I think. The way I feel. The way I process things. There's a damn near indescribable physical pain.
It hurts to carry it.
What hurts more is the fact that I can't get rid of it. Lord knows I've tried and tried and tried.
The only way I can describe it is that my heart feels as though it's going to explode from the pressure of beating too fast, but in actuality, the only reason I know it's still working is because I'm still alive.
I make sure I realize that. That I accept and bask in that pain because I'm the only one that could understand what worse feels like.
I know deep down that this pain is terrible, but it's bearable because nothing could hurt worse than the pain of not wanting to live anymore.
So I tell myself to suck it up. To be grateful because I'm here and they're people who would die to have what I have, to have these opportunities. That this will never go away and I have to suck it up and deal with what nobody has to deal with it but me.
What's dire is the looming feeling taking over my body. Knowing something's wrong but not being able to identify it. Knowing the fact that even if I could tell someone, I couldnt describe what's wrong and they couldn't guarantee anything but a hospital stay.
It doesn't feel real and yet there's nothing surreal about it.
Somewhere in between me getting in the car and me officially turning it off, the feeling of being completely overwhelmed and exhausted somehow turned into gratitude that I made it home alive. I didn't remember turning my car on, let alone driving down the highway.
I decided to take a quick shower even though I wanted a warm bath. I just couldn't trust that I wouldn't go under.
Changing into my pajamas, I took my place on the bed, occasionally checking the clock. At first I checked it every 10 minutes, but when every 20 minutes turned into every 2 hours, I knew I would go stir crazy before actually losing my mind.
At 2:16, I had enough. I got up, grabbed my keys, and got in my car with no absolutely destination in mind.
I needed to see something, anything that could blow me out this feeling, this state.
I ended up on the other side of town, the side close to the downtown strips. It consisted of a whole bunch of restored old businesses turned into local shops. The only place in that general vicinity that I was familiar with was the park. So I went there, leaving my car to sit by the water.
At first I was skeptical, that I could've done this at home, but I'm here now. Laying on the grass, hearing all the crickets, breathing in all the allergies, all that for it to do absolutely nothing but create a new environment.
I could only hold my head, as every emotion, every thought, some mine and some not, swarmed through my head making my ears twitch occasionally. That's when I realized I was shaking. This instilled a panic. Something is wrong and I just can't do anything about it.
"Just lay down," someone told me, nearly making me jump out of my skin.
"It's me."
Holding my flashlight on my phone and preparing to run all at the same time, I turned the light on just to see X'Avion standing there.
"What are you doing here?" I questioned, scared.
I'd read about something like this happening in a book, thinking it was oh so romantic, in real life it's not.
"What are you doing here? I've been here since 11." He answered sitting beside me, leaving a comfortable distance between me.
"Why?" I asked him, trying to see if his appearance showed this.
"Why haven't you answered any of my questions?" He rebutted, leaning back so that he was resting on his elbows.
"I don't have to answer a thing." I responded, flinging my hand to my mouth as soon as I said it, completely wide eyed and shocked at myself.
"Okay then." He responded, obviously amused before resting his hands behind his head, completely laid out now.
Silently, I laid on my back, mainly because my butt was hurting, looking at the stars above me.
That when it hit me.
I'd been mad, sad, and sassy all in the span of a few minutes. It may not seem like much but it's been so long since I've been able to feel something other than misery. It was like all of a sudden, hat hole in my chest as heavy, but in a way more bearable to carry because I was able to feel something other than what I was feeling.
I felt like I'd finally gotten an opportunity to feel. A moment to be present, completely justified, and safe. That it was appropriate and fitting for me to respond based off emotion.
But it's something about this aura that feels universal. That regardless of what emotion I felt or how I felt, It was okay for me to express the pain I was feeling, related to that moment or not. The disappointment. The anger, the fear.
I could feel the breeze, hear the wind rustling. I could feel every single scar, physical and not. I could express the feeling of being unwanted. All the fucking effects of stupid old anxiety. I could curse up a storm if I wanted too. I could eat an entire 2 tubs of Bluebell icecream if I wanted to.
It stayed this way for a long time it seemed like.
I didn't realize that I'd cried myself dry, that my back was sore for laying there so long. I admired the sun. The way it came seemingly beneath the ground and through the clouds. The clouds were still there and heavy and yet the sun's beautiful rays were still able to shine through in all kinds of colors and the design changed as your head turned.
Finally, I turned my head seeing X'Avion laying beside me, still a respectable distance away. I saw tears streaming down his face as well. It didn't pain me though. Somehow it brought comfort, that maybe he was experiencing something similar to what I was, that he was comfortable doing this here.
Turning back to focus on the sky above me, I watched the stars slowly fade away, letting him have his moment, unknowingly creating one I'd never forget.
