Something Beautiful (Andy Biersack X Noah Sebastian)

35

Either a shower or bath had become their favourite aftercare activity, and since the hotel bathroom had a bathtub, it seemed stupid not to make use of it. That, and Andy had complained that he couldn't possibly stand up in the shower for more than two minutes.

They'd been quiet for a while, Andy half-lying with his head on Noah's chest, chin level with the water. His legs were bent so that he could fit in the tub, and Noah's hands were absently playing with his hair. 

"I don't feel gay," he said, as though he'd been having a conversation with himself in his head and accidentally said part of it out loud. His voice was soft, thoughtful, and he moved his hand from beneath the water to Noah's knee. 

By now, Noah had gotten used to Andy's often abrupt statements, and knew that the fact Andy spoke that way to him as frequently as he did was only possible because of how comfortable he felt in Noah's presence. While of course Andy said a lot to most people - watching even just one interview made that pretty clear - much of what he said was usually trivial, light hearted. There were many instances when he was very quiet, when he had thoughts, opinions, but kept them to himself because he didn't know if the people around him would bother to listen. But Noah always, always listened. 

"I don't feel gay," he repeated, and nothing else. It sounded to Noah like he was confirming the statement. 

"Okay," Noah said. "Well, sexuality is a spectrum, you know?" He begun to plait strands of his hair. 

"No, I know, but...I don't know what I am. I always thought I was straight and everyone always assumed I was, and now I'm naked in a bath with a man and suddenly it's like, what the hell am I?" 

"I don't think everyone assumed you were," Noah said. "I wondered if you were at least bisexual when I first saw you acting in American Satan. I can only imagine other people think that, too." 

"Why would I always think I was straight if I'm not?" 

"I don't know, denial? Fear of the unknown?" 

"Why did you think I was bisexual?" 

"You just kinda gave that vibe, I don't know how to explain it. I think your femininity played into it a lot for me, not to be stereotypical or anything. Of course men can be masculine and like other men. But something about you just struck me as not straight. I guess maybe because I was eliciting the same traits before I really came to realise I was bisexual, you know? I never really got along with the whole idea of men being really masculine." 

"You're pretty masculine, though." 

"I mean, I have muscles and a male voice, but I don't think I'd call myself a super masculine man, though. I suppose it depends on your perception of masculinity." 

"You're more masculine than me," Andy said, then in a much quieter voice while drawing his fingers down Noah's tattooed thigh, "Sometimes I don't really feel like a man at all." 

"Yeah, I kind of figured that." 

"You did?" 

"Well, yeah." 

"Oh." 

"I think it's something you have to come to terms with in your own time. I didn't want to bring it up without you mentioning it first. I'm not saying you can't identify as a man, obviously. You absolutely can. But if you don't, or just don't always, that's completely okay, too." 

"I don't know. Just...it feels, like, not right to say I'm gay. Which is stupid because clearly I am. Like, what else would you call the fact I like dick and not pussy? It's not like I'm bi, or anything. Because I don't like women. Like, I have no sexual attraction to them. But I just don't feel gay. I don't know what I feel, but just...saying I'm gay feels wrong? And then I'm like, is that because I don't entirely feel like a man all the time? Like, I guess I wouldn't be gay if I wasn't a man? But then sometimes, most of the time, I do feel like a man. So I just...I'm fucking confused. Is that fucking stupid? It feels fucking stupid."