Either a shower or bath had become their favourite aftercare activity, and since the hotel bathroom had a bathtub, it seemed stupid not to make use of it. That, and Andy had complained that he couldn't possibly stand up in the shower for more than two minutes.
They'd been quiet for a while, Andy half-lying with his head on Noah's chest, chin level with the water. His legs were bent so that he could fit in the tub, and Noah's hands were absently playing with his hair.
"I don't feel gay," he said, as though he'd been having a conversation with himself in his head and accidentally said part of it out loud. His voice was soft, thoughtful, and he moved his hand from beneath the water to Noah's knee.
By now, Noah had gotten used to Andy's often abrupt statements, and knew that the fact Andy spoke that way to him as frequently as he did was only possible because of how comfortable he felt in Noah's presence. While of course Andy said a lot to most people - watching even just one interview made that pretty clear - much of what he said was usually trivial, light hearted. There were many instances when he was very quiet, when he had thoughts, opinions, but kept them to himself because he didn't know if the people around him would bother to listen. But Noah always, always listened.
"I don't feel gay," he repeated, and nothing else. It sounded to Noah like he was confirming the statement.
"Okay," Noah said. "Well, sexuality is a spectrum, you know?" He begun to plait strands of his hair.
"No, I know, but...I don't know what I am. I always thought I was straight and everyone always assumed I was, and now I'm naked in a bath with a man and suddenly it's like, what the hell am I?"
"I don't think everyone assumed you were," Noah said. "I wondered if you were at least bisexual when I first saw you acting in American Satan. I can only imagine other people think that, too."
"Why would I always think I was straight if I'm not?"
"I don't know, denial? Fear of the unknown?"
"Why did you think I was bisexual?"
"You just kinda gave that vibe, I don't know how to explain it. I think your femininity played into it a lot for me, not to be stereotypical or anything. Of course men can be masculine and like other men. But something about you just struck me as not straight. I guess maybe because I was eliciting the same traits before I really came to realise I was bisexual, you know? I never really got along with the whole idea of men being really masculine."
"You're pretty masculine, though."
"I mean, I have muscles and a male voice, but I don't think I'd call myself a super masculine man, though. I suppose it depends on your perception of masculinity."
"You're more masculine than me," Andy said, then in a much quieter voice while drawing his fingers down Noah's tattooed thigh, "Sometimes I don't really feel like a man at all."
"Yeah, I kind of figured that."
"You did?"
"Well, yeah."
"Oh."
"I think it's something you have to come to terms with in your own time. I didn't want to bring it up without you mentioning it first. I'm not saying you can't identify as a man, obviously. You absolutely can. But if you don't, or just don't always, that's completely okay, too."
"I don't know. Just...it feels, like, not right to say I'm gay. Which is stupid because clearly I am. Like, what else would you call the fact I like dick and not pussy? It's not like I'm bi, or anything. Because I don't like women. Like, I have no sexual attraction to them. But I just don't feel gay. I don't know what I feel, but just...saying I'm gay feels wrong? And then I'm like, is that because I don't entirely feel like a man all the time? Like, I guess I wouldn't be gay if I wasn't a man? But then sometimes, most of the time, I do feel like a man. So I just...I'm fucking confused. Is that fucking stupid? It feels fucking stupid."
"No, of course it's not stupid. You don't need to label yourself if it's stressing you out. I'm sorry if I made you feel like I was pushing you into saying you were gay." Noah loosened the plait and combed his fingers through Andy's hair.
"I just...I don't know how to describe it."
"You said you don't like it when I call you 'good boy'? Do you think that has something to do with it?"
"Oh. I don't...maybe? Like...sometimes someone calls me a man, or, like, says 'him', and it makes me feel weird. I don't know. It doesn't make sense. I'm sorry. I know it's dumb and - "
Noah always made an effort to listen to Andy entirely before speaking, specially because of what he'd learnt about people telling him to shut up when he was talking about something that he cared about, but sometimes, he had to cut him off. This was one of those times, and he said, "No, sweetheart. It's not dumb at all."
Andy moved to sit up further, then turned to face Noah, almost sloshing water onto the floor. "It's not all the time, just sometimes. Like, all the other times you've called me that, I've been fine with it, but then tonight, it was like, oh, that feels bad. You know?"
"Does me calling you 'babygirl' ever make you feel that way?"
"No. I love that one. I love all the girl ones."
"I can refer to you as a girl more if that makes you feel good?"
"You already do that a lot."
"Yeah, but if you want it more. Like, what about pronouns? What if you were she/her sometimes? How would that feel?"
Considering the suggestion, Andy looked at Noah's chest, at his tattoos. It wasn't like he'd never thought about his gender, because he had many times. People used to call him a girl all the time when he was wearing his Andy Sixx makeup, so there was no way he could have avoided thinking about it. But to use different pronouns? To identify as anything other than a man? He'd never really thought he could do that. "I don't know," he answered. "That seems kind of drastic?"
"Can I try something?"
"What?"
"Just tell me how this feels to hear, okay?"
Andy nodded.
"My girlfriend is so pretty, I'm so lucky to have her."
Andy's eyes flicked up to meet Noah's. He said nothing. Truthfully, he hadn't expected Noah to take him so seriously but was relived that he was.
"How does that feel?"
"Can you...say something else using that?" He was playing with Noah's fingers, unable to hold eye contact with him but wasn't quite sure why.
Noah smiled. "Alright. Uh...someone asked me the other day who I was texting. I told them it was my girlfriend and that she was having a rough day."
"That feels...I don't know? Not wrong, but also, I don't know if I really feel like a woman, either. I don't dislike my dick or my low voice or anything; I actually like them, so I don't know if she/her is right? But then sometimes maybe it would feel good? But not always? That sounds weird, and...I don't know. I don't know." He shook his head, sighed. "I just...Noah, I don't know."
"Hey, it's okay. You don't need to know right now. Gender is confusing and there's nothing wrong with needing time to figure it out. You know I'll love you and want you whatever you identify with, and I'm sure everyone else will, too. There's no need to rush or panic over it, okay?" Leaning forwards, Noah put his palm to Andy's cheek. "You take as long as you need to think it over, and we can talk about it whenever you want to, alright? If you need someone just to reassure you that it's okay, you know I'm your man. Hell, I'm your man for everything, babydoll."
Andy nodded against his hand. "Is it not...annoying?"
"No. Stop saying that about things that bother you. Nothing you say is annoying."
"The entire world would disagree."
"That's just not true. I'll put my fingers in your mouth again if you keep talking yourself down."
"I liked it when you did that so if you want me to stop talking myself down, give me a threat that's actually threatening."
"Okay," Noah said. "I'll never put my fingers in your mouth again."
Andy scowled.
"Are you feeling all good after saying 'yellow' earlier? If you wanna talk about it at all, we can."
"I was green after that. Like, really green."
"Good, I'm glad. I was really green, too."
"Would you say if you were yellow? Or red, even?"
"Of course I would."
"Okay. Just...you always say I don't have to ever do things just because I think you'd want me to, but I don't want you to do that for me, either."
"Babygirl, everything we're doing is very much okay with me, I promise. If I didn't wanna do something, I'd tell you. Okay?"
"Yeah. Okay. Good. You're the best Dom."
Noah hummed. "Are you telling me you have multiple?"
"One for each letter of the alphabet."
"Babygirl has been busy."
"Babygirl is always busy."
"What's the guy for X called?"
"Xylophone."
Noah laughed. "Of course."
"He's kind of annoying though. Grating voice."
"I bet."
"Q is worse."
"Oh yeah?"
"He's called Queen of England." Andy couldn't keep his straight face as he spoke, giggling before he'd gotten to the end of the final word.
Noah shook his head, laughing with him. "You're ridiculous," he said affectionately.
"You love it."
"I do love it."
"Do you think I could just think about the pronoun thing for a while? I know it's annoying to- "
"What did I just say?"
"Okay, okay. Sorry."
"Sorry..?"
"Sir."
"Good girl. What were you saying?"
"Just...I don't think I want to use different pronouns yet, but maybe later? Like, once I've had some time to think about it all? Is that okay?"
"Why wouldn't that be okay? You can take as long as you need, darling, I'm not going anywhere. You just let me know when you need me to call you something different and I will, no problem, okay?"
Andy nodded. "Okay. Thank you. Really. I never talked about this before."
"You know you can talk to me about anything."
"Yeah."
"And the only time I'll make fun of you is if you use your murder plan on someone. Because its so bad-"
"Shut up, no it's not. It's flawless."
"We've been over this-"
"It's flawless," Andy cut in.
Noah shook his head. "I'm never going to win that argument."
"No. And don't you use one of your threats to make me give in, it won't work."
"It might."
"Won't."
"We'll see."
Andy just pouted and leaned forward into Noah, forehead against his chest. He exhaled heavily as Noah pushed fingers into his hair, a strange combination of content and confused at the same time.
