I can't help to love you

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Jessica was so stupefied by what she saw that she started talking to herself, like a character from some 70's comic book that just couldn't help but share her thoughts with the reader.

"What am I doing?"

Two years prior she refused to wear anything that reached higher than her knees; she tried her best not to attract too much attention and, overall, rejected anything stereotypically feminine. It was already unbelievable that she would ever wear that kind of dress... but doing it on that day, of all days... at the anniversary of someone's death?

"What was I thinking...?" she cursed at the ceiling as she fell back on her eternally messy bed. "I must be– what am I doing?!"

Not just any person's death. Peter's. Although she stopped talking aloud the question still ran circles around her head: who was she to even set foot in that household? What happened to that law she imposed herself to save Peter's friends from all that trauma?

The state of her room fit a lot better with her mind than it did with her looks. Sure, a bedroom of her own didn't require obsessive order like the S.H.I.E.L.D. apartment but it wasn't an excuse to leave it in utter chaos, with her bizarre looking dumbbells next to her raggedy bedsheets among more junk. It seemed that she would only ever tidy her house when someone else's presence would force her to.

Her surroundings only agitated her more so Jess took a deep breath and isolated herself. Now that she was serene she asked herself those questions again but not in the accusatory manner they took before. Now they were earnest and she was genuinely trying to answer them: why would she go there? Whatever happened to her secrecy?

A new question arose now and she tried to answer that before the others: why was she beating herself up so much?

It had been two years since Peter passed. Two years since things started making sense, when she realised that she never was him. Objectively it shouldn't make sense for her to doubt anymore but her feelings didn't care. She just didn't want to see any of those familiar faces. Even though the memories had gotten nonsensical and blurry, it was still hard.

It was like relapsing into an old vice. She knew she wasn't him, it's just that sometimes she had to remind herself and for that she needed reasons, both the proof of her individuality taken from her true memories of the past two years and also the present reason for her to subject herself to this:

Peter deserved to be remembered; May was kind enough to invite a stranger like her; she had to check on Gwen, make sure that MJ was ok.

She got up from her bed, realising that her driver must have been waiting by then and the same must have been true for Lana. She would probably have to convince her, too, in some way.
She looked at her reflection again. This time she wasn't scared because she wasn't Peter. She was Jessica and she was pretty, healthy and proud of herself for all the progress she made.

She wasn't doing this for herself, she was doing it for him.

"...my brother."

—------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Déjà vu literally means "already seen". It's only natural for anyone to get a weird feeling when visiting a place they used to know. There was nothing natural with what Jess was feeling.

Just how long will it take for those extraneous memories to leave her mind? Would she miss them once they were gone...?

"Are you coming or do I have to convince you like you did earlier?!" Lana asked, seeing that Jessica had frozen in place.

          

Jess snapped out of it and caught up to her friend, though she was still a little nervous. "Sorry, it's just...well–" looking for a way to excuse herself while still not raising too much suspicion, she said: "-it just feels so wrong seeing that sign."

Lana couldn't help but agree, matter of fact she was actually trying to ignore the sign that announced the house was for sale.

The two walked all the way to the door and, once again and to Lana's annoyance, Jess stopped inches away from the doorbell.

"It seems you were the one in need of a scolding back in the car..."

"I'm just a little nervous is all..." she replied, blankly examining the door's wooden texture, "Aunt– Peter's aunt was so kind to invite us. I don't even know what to tell her..."

It was time. Not now or never, not even do or do not. She couldn't just go back to her lonely apartment.

But as she tried to knock, a girl from the other side already opened the door, though by the way she was looking elsewhere it seemed that she didn't know they were there. When they finally locked eyes, they were both equally surprised.

Seeing that the blondie was scared and the brunette's brain was elsewhere (like always), Lana immediately introduced herself: "Hi, I'm Lana! Lana Baumgartner. I know you won't remember me but we went to school together for, like, two seconds and–"

However, she promptly informed her: "Yeah, of course I remember. I saw you in the news and told May to invite you." Hearing that, Lana seemed pretty darn happy. The blue eyed girl still looked a little lost as she looked back at the other girl and introduced herself: "I'm Gwen Stacy. And you are?"

Seeing that she was so straightforward, it was only right that Jessica would be the same but it was difficult. For some reason it was even more awkward than when she met Kitty, perhaps because with her she was given some time to prepare with the mask on.

"I'm Jessica Drew." she meekly replied but, for Gwen, it didn't ring any bells at all.

So Lana explained: "You know... Spider-Woman?"

Jess sighed, her eyes rolled and she said: "Yeah... that."

She was visibly embarrassed but Gwen was quite the opposite. "Oh! Why didn't you say that sooner?" she asked and to Jess' surprise she almost seemed ecstatic. As she welcomed them in, Gwen said: "May talked about you quite often." finally explaining her good mood.

"She has...?" the brunette asked, shocked that the lady would remember her after only really meeting once.

"Of course. I really should thank you, too. Those were some frightening times and if you hadn't been there..." Truth was, Gwen didn't know where she would be without May.

As they walked into the living room, Jess got to see the silver haired lady looking at a picture and the time it took Gwen to call her and for her to turn around was barely enough for her to prepare to see her eye to eye.

At a first glance, May seemed completely serene, perhaps she was only a little sorrowful. Jessica was tense, this was nothing like the dreams but she still tried her best. "Good morning, Mrs. Parker. It's so nice seeing you..."

It didn't take very long for May to realise who this girl was, not after seeing her bronze hair or hearing her voice, just as insecure as it was that gloomy day. And so, with a little smile that made her wrinkles more noticeable she invited her to hold her hands and said: "I'm so glad you could make it!"

She gently and fearfully took her hands in hers and said: "I just had to. How could I refuse on this day?"

As May looked at her features she couldn't help but remark: "As sad as it sounds, I really should have guessed you were this young. These days it seems that you all are..."

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