8:43p.m.
Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.
BUDDHA
Five, four, three, two, one.As I'm running down the stairs with my heart climbing into my throat, I look around for five things I can see.
My shoes.
The bannisters.
My wand.
My shadow.
And as I pass by a golden mirror, my face. I'm picking up speed, making sure he doesn't catch up to me. I left my phone back there. I don't care. As long as it's far away from him, I don't care. My anxiety is heightening again, I need to continue.
Four things I can feel.
My feet on the ground below the stairs.
His footsteps behind me.
The kitchen door handle as I open it and run inside.
The wood of my wand, if it had magic, that I would use to hex him out of my life. Forever. It doesn't do me good to dream. I know that now. Instead, I stand by the sink, turn on the faucet and let the water run. The kitchen door opens behind me.
Three things I can hear.
The rushing water in the sink.
My pounding heart.
A voice, calling my name.
His voice. My back becomes ramrod straight and I'm staring at the water, the running water, not putting a cup to drink, not turning it off, just staring at the water as it gushes down from the faucet and into the drain, waiting, just waiting for him to go away.
You ruined his life. He'll never forgive you.
"Jabari?"Two things I can smell.
His aftershave-I know it's his.
For some reason, sauerkraut.
I close my fist on my wand and hold it steady, like it can do real damage. Maybe if I will it, it can. I would wish for anything more than to be in the same room with Aaron Dempsey. What does he want from me?
"Jabari," he says in that deep baritone of his I remember against my ear and throat, "you can't stare at the faucet forever."
"In ten seconds, if you do not leave, I am going to hex you with a Bat-Bogey Hex and I swear, Malfoy, it will be messy," I hiss at him from the sink. He always considered himself as a Malfoy, misunderstood by everyone.
Anyone would be afraid of a Bat-Bogey hex, right? But Aaron chuckles at the thought of being hexed. "You can try, but I've got serious know-how of counter jinxes, Potter. Just need to find my wand. Must've dropped it somewhere."
I stifle a laugh. He was always forgetting to carry his wand during a duel. It was no wonder how I always won.
One thing I can taste.
Guilt.
"Aren't you even going to look at me, Potter?"
And I freeze. He can't be here. He can't be near me. I ruined him. I ruined us. What does he still want with me?
Slowly, I turn around.
There he is. Shimmering blue eyes and blond hair that smelled like bubblegum shampoo. His ears still turn red when he's nervous. And his lips still have their natural sheen-
Why are you thinking about his lips, Jabari?
"Malfoy," I say, with a swallow.
"Potter," he replies with a smirk that will probably send me into a trance. "You grew taller."
"As expected." I look for a compliment. "You haven't lost your annoying sneer."
"Much obliged."
"Is there a reason you followed me, Malfoy?" I jump straight into what has been on my tongue all evening.
"Is there a reason you've avoided me all year, Potter?"
Yes, I want to scream at him. "Just busy with schoolwork," I lie. "O.W.L. year and all."
"School ended weeks ago," he retorts.
"Not everyone's a slacker like you, Aaron. Besides, between you and Hadassah, I don't know who's the real Hermione."
Aaron laughs again and I listen to it because I know this moment will end soon. Just like we did.
And then, we both stop.
And we both stare.
"Am I that bad at party games?" Aaron asks me with another smirk I want to take a picture of. If I hadn't left my phone up there.
"Sorry?"
"You ran before we could even start," he says. "Am I that bad?"
No, you're perfect. "No. I mean, I don't know. I just sort of...panicked is all."
"The house has more than one closet." Aaron smiles this time with a dangerous tint of seduction it takes all my willpower to thwart. "And, no stopwatches, so we could stay longer than seven minutes."
Typical Aaron. I missed his flirting.
"Tempting, but no." I tell him, "I'm just not ready for that yet. With anyone, really."
"Why?" An innocent look crosses his face.
I wish you knew. If only you knew what I did.
"Lifestyle changes, I guess."
"Am I included as one of those changes, Jabari?"
My breath is going to kill me if I don't release it. Somehow, I can't find a way to. "Aaron," I gasp. "I-"
"What happened to us, Jabari?" is what he asks me, with an expression that makes my heart explode. "We were okay, weren't we? We worked. I loved you. I still do. And I know, deep down, you love me, too. Even if you're being a Dolores Umbridge about it."
I fake a gasp. "You did not."
"I did," he shot back. "What're you going to do? Hex me?"
"Take that back."
"Still being very Umbridge-y about the whole situation."
"Malfoy, take that back!" I scream, then point my wand straight at his chest. "Stupefy!"
Aaron grips my wrist and pretends being hit by a Stuuning Charm. "If I'm going down, you're coming with me!"
"Mal-Aaron!"
And in one sudden moment, he's holding me tight and we're both falling to the floor. He lands with a thud on the kitchen floor and I'm right over him, staring into his blue orbs.
My stomach is twiddling and it's not anxiety.
Electricity is dancing up and down my spine. He's holding one of my wrists, the hand with the wand in it.
What are you doing, Jabari?
"If you wanted me on the floor, Potter, you could have just said so." Aaron smirked again. "Stunning Charms aren't very romantic."
"Malfoy, let go of my hand," I warn.
"Ask more nicely and I'll consider it."
"Malfoy, now, or I will take us both out."
"You look cute when you're threatening my life."
I try to pry my hand free and he holds it to his chest, making me fall back down. "Aaron!"
In one swift, fluid moment, as I try to break free, he wrestles the wand from my hand, twists me over and pins me to the floor. He's right on top of me and thoughts that aren't supposed to be running through my head are breaking free and travelling below my belt.
Jabari, you have to end this.
"Who needs a Disarming Charm, when I can get the wand out of your hand myself?" Aaron is grinning now and I have to slap myself and end this, before one, or both of us, get hurt.
"Aaron," I say in a whisper.
"Yes, Jabari?"
"What are you doing?"
"What do you mean 'what am I doing'?" he asks with a scoff. "I'm trying to stop you from cursing me, dummy."
"No," I say softly. "What are you doing? Coming to the party? Following me here? Pretending to get hit by Stunning Charms? Why?"
"For The Boy Who Lived, you're pretty dumb. I'm here because I want you, Jabari. I love you. You never told me why it had to end and it's been eating me up inside ever since that day. Ever since last year. I can't get over the thought of not being with you, of not duelling you in the courtyard with our made-up spells. You used to love those."
My nose is itching. My eyes are welling.
"No, Aaron. You can't love me. I'm a monster. I'm a horrible person. You don't know - you don't understand -"
"Then, help me understand, Jabari. I want to know. I want you. Talk to me."
I'm a monster. No. I ruined your life. If Aaron knew what I did to him, to us, he'd never forgive me.
This has to end.
"Aaron, I'm sorry."
I push him off of me with every ounce of strength I have. He moves and I think he wanted to, because I don't think I'd be able to stop Aaron if he truly wanted to pin me to the ground. But as I start, he grabs my wrist. The tears break free and barrel down my face.
"Jabari, please. Whatever it is, we can work it out together." I hear the plea in his voice when he says, "Please, I don't want to lose you."
I don't want to lose you, too. I want to stay. I want to stay and hold him and tell him that I'm never going anywhere and that I'll always be there because I love him with all of my heart. But I don't. I never did if I could do what I did.
"Bye, Aaron. See you after the party."
Then, I yank my wrist out of his grip and everything around me becomes a blur as I dash out of the kitchen, letting the tears fall, letting the sobs take me.
One more thing I see, hear, smell, feel and almost taste: regret.